Understanding hurtful behavior is part of mental illness

This teaching is for those who would like to help some others or themselves, who felt hurt and angry by some past hurtful experiences, and continuing to feel hurt and angry by those past hurtful experiences, and for many years onward, they would behave in the way that hurt themselves and others out of those hurts and anger either wittingly or unwittingly, while blaming the past hurtful experiences and those who inflicted hurtful behavior onto them for all their failure and unhappiness in life, and for their own reaction of hurtful behavior onto themselves and others, to have clearer understanding towards hurts and hurtful behavior, and be free from such ignorance and suffering.

People would want to think and believe that forgiveness is the key to be free from hurts and be free from anger due to those hurts. There's nothing wrong with that. However, the thinking and belief about "I want to forgive and I have forgiven those who had hurt me" without thorough understanding towards hurts and hurtful behavior won't free the minds from continuing be disturbed by the past hurtful experiences and feel hurt and angry in the present and for the rest of one's life, and would hurt oneself and others out of those hurt and anger, even after many years.

There are some people who refuse to forgive and continuing to feel hurt and angry, and blaming those past hurtful experiences as the cause of their own hurtful behavior and unhappiness in life. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's their freedom to think, feel, act, react and behave as they are.

Meanwhile, there are many people who would want to be free from hurts and anger, who would want to be able to forgive and let go, or who think and believe that they have had forgiven those who had inflicted some hurtful experiences onto them in the past, but somehow, they would still be disturbed very much by the remembrance towards those hurtful experiences and continuing to feel hurt and angry, and would behave in the way that hurt themselves and others out of those reactions of hurt and anger deriving from remembering the past hurtful experiences in the present moment, while thinking and believing that it's the responsibility of those who had inflicted hurtful experiences onto them in the past for ruining their life for behaving in the way that hurt themselves and others, for all their failure and unhappiness in the present moment and the rest of their life.

There is the thought/belief of "I was being hurt by some others who had done something bad, wrong and hurtful to me, and I deserved to feel hurt and angry, and I deserve to continue to feel hurt and angry, and it's their responsibility for all my unhappiness and my hurtful behavior now." This is because the mind didn't or doesn't understand about hurts and hurtful behavior.

Some would even blame themselves for other people's hurtful behavior. "I was bad and I am not good. That's why I deserved all those hurtful behavior from others."

Regardless of whether intentionally or unintentionally, wittingly or unwittingly, randomly or deliberately, people who inflict hurtful behavior onto themselves or others, is all out of ignorance.

Out of ignorance, some minds are intentionally and wittingly inflicting hurtful behavior onto others to hurt others randomly or deliberately, while some are unintentionally and unwittingly inflicting hurtful behavior onto others that hurt others, randomly. Both conditions are a form of mental illness. Those who are not mentally ill, they will have sufficient understanding, awareness and self-control towards their own behavior, action and reaction.

None can reason with those who are ignorant, who are mentally ill, who would behave in the way that hurt themselves and others, wittingly or unwittingly.

It's not something bad or wrong, if the minds are under the influence of ignorance and are mentally ill, where they don't have understanding, awareness and self-control over their own behavior, action and reaction. Just that those behaviors are hurting themselves, their lives and some others.

We can say that it's unfortunate if we reluctantly come/came in contact with a mentally ill unknown person who inflicts/inflicted hurtful behavior onto us randomly, even if it's someone that we know within the family or friend circle. We acknowledge the consequences of other people's ignorant destructive behavior and clean up whatever mess that is necessary, and move on our life without being determined by the destructive behavior of those who are ignorant and mentally ill. We don't and shouldn't blame ourselves. We don't and couldn't blame those who are ignorant and mentally ill, who have no awareness and self-control over their behavior. There is no need forgiveness either. Neither do we need to let go anything. There is no hurt, or anger, or hatred towards the destructive behavior inflicted by those who are ignorant and mentally ill.

We can choose to move away from those who are under the influence of ignorance or mental illness, if we don't want to continuously dealing with the ignorance or mental illness of others, or we can choose to be there to look after them even though we have to deal with their ignorance or mental illness. There's neither right nor wrong either way.

If out of our own ignorance, we have expectation towards all or most of the human beings in the society, especially those whom we know, who are our family members or friends, may it be our parents and siblings, or partners/lovers/children/teachers/leaders, that they should behave and treat us in certain way and shouldn't behave or treat us in certain way, and we feel hurt and angry by their ignorant hurtful behavior inflicted onto us, either intentionally or unintentionally, and continuously to feel hurt and angry for many years onward, and out of those continuous hurt and anger, we ourselves would constantly behave in the way that hurt ourselves and others, while justifying that our suffering, unhappiness and hurtful behavior is all because of those undeserving past hurtful experiences inflicted by bad and wrongful people, then know that, it's our own responsibility for not having the correct understanding towards the modification of the mind, the mind perception of names and forms, actions and reactions, attachment and expectation, and more importantly, the cause of all kinds of hurtful behavior deriving from human beings that hurt oneself and others, either randomly or deliberately.

At the moment when we are experiencing some hurtful experiences, it's normal that we feel pain physically if there's some physical injury, and feel hurt and angry mentally or emotionally. But, after that moment, if we continuing to feel hurt and angry mentally and emotionally, it's due to our own ignorance of grasping or attachment. Even if there is some physical damages that cannot be undone, but what's the point of hurting ourselves further with mental and emotional pain that doesn't need to be there, but we keep feeding them out of ignorance and attachment?

The hurtful experiences might have caused some permanent or momentary physical damages, and might cause momentary mental and emotional disturbance for some time, but it doesn't and couldn't cause prolonged mental and emotional pain unless we ourselves 'grasp onto' and 'allow' those hurtful experiences to determine our life onward and affecting our physical, mental and emotional well being. It's the responsibility of those who inflicted hurtful experiences onto others for inflicting some physical injury or some mental/emotional disturbance in others as it happens, but afterwards, it's our own responsibility if we don't understand that all kinds of intentional or unintentional hurtful behavior are deriving from ignorance and mental illness, just like any destructive natural disaster deriving from the selfless nature that causes random damages to lives and properties and the surrounding environment itself, and we don't want to let go, or don't know how to let go, and continuing to feel hurt and angry for the damages that cannot be undone, and out of those continuous self-empowered reaction of hurt and anger towards the past hurtful experiences, we behave in the way that hurt ourselves and others, either randomly or deliberately, while blaming those ignorant mentally ill people who had inflicted hurtful experiences onto others, or blaming the natural disasters that generated random damages, for 'making' us to behave in the way that hurt ourselves and others for our entire life.

Dealing with undesirable hurtful experiences as it happens, is already energy exhausting. Out of grasping or attachment deriving from our own ignorance, we continue to be dealing with our own self-responsible and self-empowered reactions of continuous hurt and anger towards the past hurtful experiences, is even more energy exhausting. It's unnecessary.

The minds that have correct understanding about the modification of the mind, they don't and won't argue with or save hatred towards anyone, not to say, to argue and be angry with and save hatred towards those who are under the influence of ignorance and mental illness, who can't reason, who have no awareness and no self-control, who behave ignorantly and hurtfully, or blaming them for 'causing' all our failure and unhappiness in life, or blaming them for our own hurtful behavior inflicting onto ourselves and others out of our disappointment, hurt, anger and hatred towards who/what hurt us.

Those who are free from ignorance, who are free from hurts and anger, who understand the mind and who have truly forgiven or let go all kinds of past and present hurtful experiences, they have no aversion or problem towards remembering or talking about all the past hurtful experiences, and being undetermined or undisturbed by remembering and talking about any past unpleasant hurtful experiences, without self-blaming or blaming others for all kinds of hurtful experiences deriving from the ignorance and mental illness of others.

Those who think and believe that they have forgiven those who had hurt them in the past, but they still feel hurt and angry by remembering or talking about the past hurtful experiences even after many years, and they have aversion towards talking about it, as they continue to feel hurt and angry upon talking about it, it means that they haven't understand towards hurts and hurtful behavior, and they haven't really forgiven and let go.

It's everyone's freedom if they want to continue feeling hurt and angry, and 'allowing' past undesirable hurtful experiences to determine and affect their life in the present and for the rest of their life, and out of those reactions of 'hurt' and 'anger' towards remembering the past hurtful experiences, they are behaving in the way that hurt themselves and others, thinking and believing that "It's because of you, I am behaving like this. My life is ruined by you and your hurtful behavior. I am hurting myself and everyone else now because of your hurtful behavior and what you did to me in the past. It's all your fault." Or, they can choose to understand, and stop hating or blaming all those who are ignorant and mentally ill, who behave/behaved hurtfully due to ignorance and mental illness, either randomly or deliberately, not allowing the past hurtful experiences deriving from the ignorance and mental illness of some others to determine or affect their life in the present moment and the rest of their life, and be free.

Out of ignorance, many minds are not aware of themselves are under the influence of ignorance, where one has no correct understanding, awareness and self-control, and hence, one constantly feels hurt and angered by the ignorant hurtful behavior of some others, as well as constantly acting and reacting in the way that hurt oneself and others, out of disappointment, hurt, anger and hatred towards what they perceived as 'hurtful', 'undeserving', 'wrongful' and 'disappointing', either randomly or deliberately. Oneself is also suffering from ignorance and mental illness.

Mental illness is something very common that present in many human minds functioning under the influence of ignorance, including highly educated and knowledgeable people who have a 'normal' family, work and social life, but many people would see 'mental illness' as something 'bad' or a 'taboo' and would be offended to be referred as mentally ill. Only those who are aware of the presence of ignorance or mental illness in one's mind could help themselves to be free from ignorance or mental illness, to stop hurting themselves and others, before it's becoming uncontrollable.

Mental illness doesn't only limited to those who have lost the ability to look after themselves mentally and couldn't have a 'normal' family, work and social life, or need to depend on medications everyday. But anyone who can still live a 'normal' life, but are highly sensitive, attention seeking, defensive and offensive, who are being over-powered by the desire of craving and aversion, who would behave in the way that hurt themselves or others in different ways, out of ignorance, out of disappointment, hurt, anger and hatred, either wittingly or unwittingly, randomly or deliberately, being determined by other people's judgment, expectation, praise and criticism, action and reaction, to evaluate and determine themselves and their life, while blaming others' bad and wrongful behavior for causing them to have hurtful behavior, failure, disappointment, anger, regret and unhappiness in life, they are indeed suffering from certain degrees of mental illness. It's not a criticism. It's not a shaming. It's not an attack. It's to be aware of what is going on in our own minds, to do something about it before it's too late.

If we have truly understood, forgiven and let go, there's no continuous hurt or anger towards anyone or anything from the past or in the present moment. It's our own responsibility for our own action and reaction towards other people's action and reaction. No one can ruin our lives or take away our happiness, unless we allow it to ruin our lives and take away our happiness, even if there are some damages that cannot be undone. When we come to the end of our lives, we will realize that it really doesn't matter. But why suffering so much until the end of life to realize "It really doesn't matter"? Why not now while we are still living? My mother, my father and my brother had all passed away. Life was greatly difficult for them. When they passed away, it really didn't matter about who suffer less or who suffer more. I'm glad that my mother, my father and my brother smiled through the hardships and laughed after crying when life was too hard.

Inquire the truth of everything.

Expectation from the yoga students towards the yoga teacher

"How come the teacher didn't say anything about whether my execution is good or not, or whether I'm doing the postures and movements right, or not?"

In most of the "yoga classes" (yoga asana exercise classes), the teacher or the instructor will go around and adjusting the body of the students, correcting their poses and movements, and telling them whether they are good and whether they are doing it right, and constantly give encouragement to them to try harder, to do something that they don't want to do, or are not comfortable doing, or what they think they can't do. And of course, there's nothing wrong with that.

In the yoga class of learning and practicing yoga to eliminate ignorance and egoism to free the mind from suffering, the teacher seldom or does not go around adjusting or correcting their physical positions or movements, or give them appraisement whether they are good, or not, whether they are doing it right, or not. Because how they look in the positions or how well they execute the movements are irrelevant towards the elimination of ignorance and egoism to free the mind from suffering.

Wisdom and compassion and the ability to let go and forgive, is nothing to do with making the body more strong and flexible to be able to perform many yoga asana poses beautifully or to mastering the skill to perform the yoga poses. It's about putting the body in certain positions within the ability and comfort of the physical body and holding the positions comfortably as long as the body can stay in those positions comfortably without struggling, in order to bring the mind to be in the present to calm down and quieting the restless mind, to prepare the mind for meditation. And this is nothing to do with whether the yoga practitioner is performing the yoga poses in perfect alignment or not in the yoga asana practice.

Even when a person can perform all the yoga poses nicely in perfect alignment and executing all the movements correctly and gracefully also doesn't guarantee that this person is or will be free from ignorance and egoism and impurities of anger, hatred, jealousy, pride, arrogance, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment, agitation, depression, hurts, regret, guilt, craving, aversion, ill-will, ill-thinking, fear and worry, and so on, if this person doesn't work on eliminating the egoism that feeds ignorance that gives rise to suffering and all sorts of disturbs and unhappiness.

The teacher who teaches yoga delivers the teachings and the guidelines for the practice to the students to perform their practice, and the teacher might or might not be observing their practice from time to time, but at the same time, without interference, judgement or expectation, allowing the students to experience the teachings while practice what they learn from the teacher about the teachings and the practice, disregards whether their understanding towards the teachings and the practice is perfect or imperfect, and whether they are following the guidelines accordingly, or not, but to inquire the truth of the teachings and the practice through their own direct experience, to develop understanding and awareness towards their own body and mind, to become the observer or the teacher towards their own mind, without attachment, identification, judgement, comparison and expectation.

The students learn to develop self-independence and self-discipline. They don't need to depend on a 'teacher' to tell them whether they are doing their practice correctly, or not, as they should be able to have the basic awareness of whether they are practicing correctly, or not, by being aware of the consequences of the action of doing the poses and movements. For example, the teacher teaches the students who have never seen fire, "Fire can burn your skin and flesh and it might cause painful sensation and damages. And hence do not touch the fire." and if the students still want to touch the fire, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and got burnt by the fire, that is not the teacher's responsibility. The teacher cannot be there every seconds watching the students to make sure they don't touch the fire so that they won't hurt themselves. The students will have to learn from their own direct experience and be responsible for looking after their own well-being. Just like parents can give advice as much as they can to their children, but they cannot be there all the time to control their children how they should act or react or behave, making sure that they only do good and the right thing, and don't do bad or the wrong thing.

Only the students themselves will know whether they are practicing yoga, or not. People can be doing yoga poses everyday for years, but they might not be practicing yoga at all, including yoga teachers. It's not about looking at the teacher and trying to imitate the teacher or other people. The yoga practitioners learn how to perform all their actions, practice, duties, and responsibilities out of compassion, without egoism, being free from attachment, identification, judgement, comparison and expectation towards the actions, the practice, the duties and responsibilities, as well as the result or fruit of the actions, the practice, the duties and responsibilities.

If the students don't feel comfortable while putting their body in a particular position or executing particular movements, they shouldn't proceed further or force their body to continue to perform the position or movements that the body feels discomfortable or painful, whether it's due the limitation of their body, or there's mind blockage of fear and worry, or it's due to incorrect understanding towards the practice. If it's due to their incorrect understanding towards the practice, the teacher will redeliver the guidelines of the practice to them, without expecting them to be fully understanding the practice right away.

The students learn to be aware that all their experiences, whether it's okay or not okay, are all impermanent. Through their own awareness and understanding, they learn how to make appropriate adjustment to put their body into the positions comfortably, or execute the movements in the way that suits their body most, without expecting a teacher constantly be there to make adjustments for them. Everyone has a different body with different condition and limitation. What is comfortable for some people might be very painful for other people. There's no best way to execute the movements or the best perfect look of the positions or poses, it's just what the body can do comfortably, in this present moment. And no body is aware of what is going on in one's body and mind but oneself, not even the yoga teacher.

For those who have been doing yoga poses for many years, how they look and how they feel in the poses or movements could be different in every practice. It is the truth of impermanence and selflessness. One can't even look and feel the same in one's different sessions of practice, then why should one look and feel the same as any others or the teacher in particular in their respective practice?

So what if some people's body are really inflexible and weak, and they don't look like everyone else while performing the yoga poses or while executing certain movements? It doesn't mean that they won't be able to realize unconditional peace and love or to let go and forgive something that is hurtful. It's really unimportant and irrelevant about the physical ability and limitation in the realization of selflessness, unconditional peace and love, and the ability to let go and forgive something that the mind perceives as bad, wrong, undeserving, hurtful, painful or disturbing.

A yoga teacher allows the yoga students to take their time to find their own way of putting their body comfortably in the poses without pushing or forcing their body beyond its limitation or disability in the present moment, or adjusting their body and mind by themselves to adapt and accommodate the practice, the poses or the movements with care and responsibility from themselves towards themselves.

What the students can do or cannot do, what the students want or don't want to do, and how the students interpret and execute the teachings and practice or how they look in the positions or movements are the students' freedom and responsibility. The yoga teacher is not here to control and judge every action of the yoga students. After learning the teachings and practice by coming in contact with the teachings from a teacher, it's up to the yoga students to interpret and perform the teachings and practice in their own pace, in their own way, by experiencing and inquiring the truth of these teachings and practice.

The students should be learning how to be aware of their practice and understand the practice via direct experience, without attachment, identification, craving, aversion, judgement, comparison and expectation, and don't depend on the teacher to look at their practice and constantly telling them about how good or bad is their practice. It's not about how perfect do they look in the positions and how good they execute the movements, but it's about via the positions and movements, they learn about what is going on in their minds, about the ignorance and egoism and the consequences of ignorance and egoism, about the suffering and the cause of suffering, about the impermanence and selflessness of the physical body and the activities of the mind of all the ceaseless thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, reactions and impurities.

In order to perform the exercise safely so that the yoga practitioners won't generate stress or injury onto the physical body has nothing to do with executing the yoga poses or movements in perfect alignment. It's by understanding and listening to their own body, just do what their body can do comfortably in this present moment, in a relaxed manner, without forcing or pushing their body beyond its limitation, without trying to follow the standard of the perfect alignment, there's no stress or risk of injury. In contrast, while trying to perform the positions or movements according to the perfect alignment that is beyond their physical limitation, to look exactly like other people or the teacher, building up tension from attachment, identification, craving, aversion, judgement, comparison and expectation, could generate unnecessary stress and injury to the body and mind while trying to perform the yoga poses perfectly according to the standard of perfect alignment. Putting the body in the perfect alignment also doesn't guarantee that the mind is or will be free from ignorance, egoism and suffering. People who are physically fit, strong and flexible, and can perform many yoga poses skillfully in perfect alignment, are not necessarily be free from ignorance, egoism and suffering.

Be free.

Be compassionate towards suffering minds

It's not as easy as we would like it to be, to free the mind from suffering.

Though people might show sympathy towards other people's suffering, those who have always been having a good life condition, might not truly understand the suffering that some other people are going through physically, mentally and emotionally, due to some traumatic painful life experiences.

We can't tell people, "Hey, be grateful for all the little good things that you have. Stop being miserable."

We can't tell people, "Hey, be positive. Everything will be all good and nothing bad."

We can't tell people, especially when our life is in good condition, "Hey, life is so good. Don't be so unhappy and bitter."

People are allowed to be unhappy or bitter, especially when they are going through some difficult moments. It's everyone's freedom for whether they want to be free from unhappiness and bitterness, or not.

People might have gone through or are going through some really difficult or disturbing or painful moments, where we might have no idea how hard it is to be in their place. Even though people might smile, make jokes and laugh like everyone else, but deep in their mind, there might be some painful suffering that other people are unaware of.

It's not difficult for those who have realized the truth to be able to let go even the most difficult and painful experiences, without vengeance. But it's not easy for those who haven't realized the truth to let go what was/is deeply troubling their minds.

It's perfectly understandable that some of the suffering minds have become 'hard' and 'bitter', and we should be compassionate towards these minds that have become 'hard' and 'bitter' unwittingly, due to having been through some difficult traumatic life experiences that are not in their control and not what they wish for.

It's normal that the suffering minds that are 'hard' and 'bitter' would feel very uncomfortable or irritable, disturbed and disgusted when hearing the teachings of yoga about letting go, forgiveness and compassion. It might take them a long time to be able to allow the mind to be open, to be aware of the suffering, without identification with the suffering, but to stand as a witness towards all the painful life experiences, and be compassionate towards the mind has to unwittingly go through some difficult traumatic life experiences, and suffers. And as yoga teachers, we can only be compassionate towards these suffering minds without judgment, but with thorough understanding and acceptance, knowing that none can take away another person's suffering, but the mind itself to free itself from ignorance and egoism, the root cause of all suffering.

Think again, if we think we are compassionate beings...

Real compassion is unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, forbearance, patience and respect towards all beings without discrimination of likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, based on what our minds believes what things are and how things should be. The mind is completely free from egoism, identification, attachment, judgment, expectation, craving, aversion, and all sorts of impurities like anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment, feelings of hurt, feelings of guilt, regrets, ill-will, ill-thinking, fear and worry...

So, think again, if we think we are compassionate beings and identify ourselves with the quality of a 'compassionate being'...

Om shanti.

How to free ourselves from being trapped in painful sorrow and hurtful feelings...

Forgive, forget, compassion, meditation, being in the present moment now...

Forgive ourselves or the mind, as it is our/the mind's own responsibility for allowing the mind being in the state of painful sorrow and feel hurt, and continuing being in that state of painful sorrow and hurt. Forgive others, who might intentionally or unintentionally generate actions or speech that inflict painful sorrow and hurt to our mind.

Forgiveness needs to be followed by forgetting. Forgive and forget, by letting go, or more precisely, it's not about completely wipe-off the memory of the unpleasant experiences from the memory storage or only remembering the pleasant experiences that made us feel good and happy, but it's about stop feeding the idea of "I was being hurt by this and I am and will be continuing being hurt by it", and allowing that idea to eventually drop-off by itself. Then even though one will remember some unpleasant experiences from time to time, but those memories can no longer affect or disturb the mind and there's no hurtful feeling upon remembering those unpleasant experiences. Not attached towards the past experiences whether pleasant or unpleasant experiences. No craving or clinging onto the pleasant experiences that we liked. No aversion towards the unpleasant experiences that we disliked.

To be able to forgive and forget, we need to be able to be compassionate towards all beings, including oneself is also one of the beings. Being compassionate towards ourselves means we stop hurting ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally by letting go of anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment, fear, worry, hurtful feelings, painful sorrow, anxieties, expectation, and etc. When we know how to be compassionate towards ourselves, naturally we are being compassionate towards other beings, as we won't intentionally generate any hurtful thoughts, actions and speech towards other beings when ourselves is at peace, being free from all kinds of impurities and negativities.

Meditate regularly to train the mind to be in the present moment now. Meditate by simply observing the natural incoming and outgoing breath. Allow the breath to be what it is, without judgment, comparison or expectation. This will free the mind from being determined or influenced by both pleasant and unpleasant past memories or experiences. Be free from being influenced by future anticipations, imaginations, speculations, hopes and expectations. Be free from craving and clinging onto the pleasant experiences, and be free from aversion towards the unpleasant experiences. Eventually the mind will be in the present moment now, naturally and effortlessly.

When the mind is free from the past and the future which doesn't exist at all in the reality of the present moment now and being free from craving and aversion, the mind will be free from all sorts of disturbance, affliction, painful sorrow, hurtful feelings, doubts, anxieties, dissatisfaction, disappointment, fear and worry. The mind is at peace.

It is not what is happening or what had happened that is/was unpleasant/painful/hurtful which cause us to experience painful sorrow or hurt. It is the untrained or impure mind that has generated all these painful sorrow and hurtful feelings in the mind itself when the mind comes in contact with the reality that it doesn't like and doesn't want, and when it doesn't come in contact with the reality that it likes and wants. The mind endlessly tricks or deceives itself. It feels upset or unhappy or hurt because the perceived reality is not being the way that it likes it to be. We are fooled by our own mind.

As pleasant and unpleasant feelings arise due to the reactions in the mind towards remembering the past memory of experiences that it liked and disliked. Memories (past experiences) are a bunch of rapid moving images projected in the mind based on whatever the mind comes in contact with through the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body sensation and thinking faculty. When there is attachment, we get caught in the stream of all these images, thinking that they are one piece of 'something' that has the good and bad quality that we like and dislike, and will either gives us happiness or unhappiness. When there is no attachment towards all these images, these images are just countless images arising and passing away in the mind. They have no power or intention to give happiness or unhappiness to the mind.

If we know how to keep the mind being in the present moment now, or to be in the state of meditation, there's no attachment towards whatever that is happening right now, not to say whatever that had happened in the past, whether these pleasant or unpleasant experiences are something that we like or dislike, agree and disagree with. As everything that the mind is experiencing now, are just countless images arising and passing away. They have no particular meanings or qualities to be something happy or suffering, nor to give us happiness or suffering. It's ignorance and egoism in the mind that give particular meaning/quality to all these impermanent and selfless names and forms that the mind perceives through the senses.

When there is no attachment towards whatever the mind perceives through the senses, there is no need to practice forgiveness or to forget anything, as there is nothing there for us to forgive and forget. All memory towards pleasant and unpleasant experiences are just impermanent images in the mind arising and passing away.

Unpleasant memory of the past unpleasant experiences might continue to reappear in the mind from time to time, but they no longer determine or influence the mind to feel unhappy or hurt. This is real forgetting. It is free from continuing being determined or influenced by past pleasant or unpleasant experiences for how the mind feels in the present moment now. It doesn't mean that we completely don't remember anything that we experienced in the past, or deleting all our memories of past experiences.

It is the craving and aversion towards certain meanings or qualities that the mind projects onto the names and forms, that cause itself to feel happy or unhappy based on whether the mind comes or doesn't come in contact with the reality that it likes and dislikes, wants and doesn't want.

Wake up from this delusion, and be free.

It is not about changing the reality that we don't like and disagree with into something that we like and can agree with. It is allowing the reality to be what it is, even if it is not pleasant, it is not something that we like or can agree with.

Those who realize this teaching, they don't need to receive any kind of 'spiritual healing' to 'be healed' from any 'painful sorrow' or 'hurts', as there's no painful sorrow or hurt existing in these minds.

Om shanti.

Love and peace to all who feel hurt and angry with other beings ignorance...

Ignorance is the same in everyone, anywhere. We, ourselves are also being influenced by ignorance, but on different levels. No matter how different is everyone's behavior and thinking, or degrees of ignorance, the nature of all kinds names and forms is the same, which is, selflessness and impermanence.

Letting go of anger and hatred doesn't mean that we ignore or deny the reality. Being aware of the reality as it is, but remain at peace, undetermined by the reality regardless of whether it is pleasant or unpleasant, without generate attachment, craving or aversion. It is being compassionate towards ourselves. Why hurt ourselves, and continuing hurting ourselves with anger and hatred towards other people's ignorance and their ignorant behavior?

When we hurt ourselves by being angry and hating towards something that we think and believe as wrongful and hurtful, we are being over-powered by ignorance. How can we expect the world to be free from violence when ourselves are full of violence of anger and hatred?

We can help the world to be a better place if we realize wisdom and compassion, being free from anger and hatred, and at peace. There will be less a being generating violent thoughts/actions of anger and hatred into the world. How can we expect the world to be better when ourselves keep vibrating negative energy into the world with all sorts of impurities.

Love and peace to all who feel hurt and angry towards other beings' ignorance and ignorant behavior.

Love ourselves by be kind to ourselves. Be kind to ourselves is nothing to do with treating ourselves with nice things and pleasant enjoyments. Be free from resentment of anger and hatred, fear and worry, is truly being kind to ourselves. Those who know this, they don't even need to forgive anyone or anything. It doesn't mean that we just stand there and allow others to continuously abuse or hurt us physically/mentally/emotionally out of their ignorance, but, we can choose to move away from such ignorance of ignorant beings and behaviors.

Om shanti.

May all beings be happy?

If we truly and sincerely mean it when we say 'May all beings be happy' with the correct understanding of what it means, we won't have any unhappiness or dissatisfaction about anyone or anything.

We won't make enemy with anyone.

We won't hurt anyone intentionally, including ourselves.

We love everyone and everything for being what they are, as they are.

Ourselves will be at peace. As we won't have anger, hatred, jealousy, discrimination, fear and worry towards anyone and anything, if we truly wish everyone happiness.

We cannot make other people happy, it is everyone's own freedom and responsibility to be happy, or not.

But, certainly we can wish everyone be happy if they want to.

And so,

To whom we like or dislike, agree or disagree with, know or don't know, met or haven't met,

To whom who like or dislike us, agree or disagree with us, know or don't know us, met or haven't met us,

To whom we think they are good or not good, wise or unwise, kind or unkind, selfish or unselfish, pure or impure, near or far,

To whom we think they had hurt us, or is hurting us, or may hurt us intentionally or unintentionally,

To whom in our mind and not in our mind,

To all human beings and non-human beings, living beings and non-living beings,

To myself,

May All beings be happy.

x x x x x x x x x x x x

If we think we can't wish all and everyone to be happy, as there are some people or beings that we don't want them to be happy, or think that they don't deserve to be happy, and we want to wish them unhappiness and suffering.

It reflects that we are so unhappy and suffering. We are hurting ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally, when we are over-powered by such intense resentment, anger and hatred towards other beings.

Then,

May we realize compassion, forgive all and everyone, and let go of resentment, anger and hatred.

May we be free from unhappiness and suffering that derived from resentment, anger and hatred in ourselves.

May we love ourselves, be kind to ourselves.

x x x x x x x x x x x x

If due to any reasons, we think ourselves don't deserve to be happy.

Then, at least, wish all other beings be happy.

May other beings be free from unhappiness and suffering.

But, don't forget, we are also one of the beings that need to be loved and forgiven.

May we realize compassion, and love ourselves, be kind to ourselves.

May we forgive ourselves.

If we can't do that, then wish 'nobody' be happy.

As in truth, we all are 'nobody' anyway, and the selfless nature of all and everything doesn't need to be happy.

It is unconditional peace itself.

Om shanti.

The practice of letting go and free ourselves from continue being hurt by past unhappy experiences...

There is no doubt that when somebody does something through speech or action that is hurtful to our feelings, we will feel hurt, upset and angry...

We have the rights to feel hurt, upset and angry in this very moment when somebody does or says something that is hurtful in this present moment... As that painful feeling of being hurt is a normal reaction towards some speech and action that our mind/ego recognizes as something "hurtful", or it is a consequence derives from somebody's "hurtful" speech and action.

In this very moment when the hurtful speech or action is happening, it is the responsible of that person for his or her "hurtful" speech and action that is causing us to feel hurt in this present moment... But, this is only valid in this very moment when it is happening. Afterwards, if we still continue to feel hurt, upset and angry, then it will be our own responsibility for allowing ourselves continue to be hurt and feel hurt, even though that "hurtful" incident has already gone, it doesn't exist in the reality of the present moment now, but it only exists as part of our memories...

We are the one who is responsible for allowing ourselves continue to be hurt repeatedly over and over again by our own attachment towards our past unhappy memories... This hurt is no longer the responsibility or consequences of other people's hurtful speech and action, but it is our own responsibility...

To love ourselves, to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, it is our own choice and freedom to free ourselves from continue being hurt by past unhappy happenings or past painful experiences by forgive other people's hurtful speech and action or wrong doings, by letting go of the past instantly...

Memories will still be there, either it will get stronger or gradually fade away, depending on how much energy we feed to them, but they are just a bunch of happy and unhappy memories... We cannot erase all the unhappy memories that we don't like... But for sure, we can practice letting go of the past instantly by letting go of the attachment towards the past experiences whether they are good or bad experiences... Memories will be there coming and going in our mind, but they have no more power to influence us for how we feel in the present moment now...

And in order for us to be able to let go of the past unhappy experiences, we need to know the truth about how come we feel hurt and who is responsible for it?

By understanding the connection between the past memories and our emotions and feelings, and knowing what is going on when we felt hurt in the past and why we continue to feel hurt by the past unhappy experiences in the present moment now, and knowing what is being kind and compassionate towards all being including ourselves is also one of the beings, we need to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and love ourselves, we will know that the only way to heal ourselves from painful experiences is by letting go of the past instantly, by practicing forgiveness and letting go...

To forgive other people's wrong and hurtful actions and speech, is being kind and compassionate towards ourselves... Let go of anger and hatred... Free ourselves from continue being hurt by past unhappy experiences which don't exist in the reality of the present moment now, but only exist as a phantom that lives in our memories playing tricks onto our feelings in the present moment now, which is meaningless and wasting our energy to entertain it...

It is not about denying or ignoring our feelings. It is about to feel or be aware of what we are feeling now in the present moment, allow all these feelings to arise and pass away, and let them go.... It doesn't matter if they are good feelings or bad feelings, happy feelings or unhappy feelings, pleasant feelings or unpleasant feelings, feel or be aware of their presence in this very moment, and let them go...

Be happy.

My life stories - Part 9

My life Stories - Part 9 
Stories from my past memories - childhood, family, friends, growing up, poverty, integrity, dreams come true, finding peace and happiness, Buddhism, Yoga, and now...

(Updated November 2020)

In March 2012, I drove more than 2000 Km on a road trip that lasted three weeks. I was taking a break from running yoga retreats and also wanted to know more about Malaysia. I also wanted to concentrate on my own yoga practice and practice yoga with some old friends as well.

My husband wanted to participate in a three days Vipassana silent meditation retreat in the newly opened vipassana centre at Penang Hill in Penang Island. It was the centre’s first course which only allowed participation from old students. It’s like a trial course to ensure the centre is ready to run longer courses.

We left Langkawi a few days earlier to visit a few historical towns in Malaysia before going into Penang.

We sent the car to the car ferry port at Tanjung Lembung on the day before, and then we took the passenger ferry in the early morning that brought us to Kuala Kedah to pick up our car from the car ferry port located just next to the passenger ferry port. We took the scenic old road (K1) driving at around 60 Km an hour towards Sungai Petani. It was really a nice drive as the road was in good condition, and the scenery was beautiful and calm overlooking the green paddy fields, with hills and trees along the way.

We had a quick stop at Pantai Merdeka. There’s nothing much to say about the place, except the nice sea breeze. There’s no beach for swimming. We also went to Bujang Valley or Lembah Bujang in Malay to visit the historical site of Malaysia where the archaeologists and researchers found historical traces of Hinduism and Buddhism artifacts dated more than 2000 years old. It was an eye opener for me to know about the history background of Malaysia.

We stayed in Sungai Petani for two nights in a new budget boutique hotel called T+ Hotel located opposite the Pantai Medical Hospital near the Sungai Petani exit from the North South Highway. It was a very nice and reasonable priced hotel. There was big enough space in the room for me to do some yoga asana practice.

We left Sungai Petani and arrived in Penang two days before the meditation retreat. We found a guesthouse called Red Inn Heritage in Love Lane off Lebuh Chulia. It was a very nice backpackers place with very friendly and helpful staff. They gave us a small room with outside shared toilet, but it doesn’t matter as long as I could continue my yoga asana practice in the room – in a space about 3 x 6 feet.

We got up at 4.00 am. My husband made use of that coolest time of the day to do some writing in the common sitting area of the guesthouse. He was writing for a collection of short stories to be published in Malaysia soon. Meanwhile I did my personal yoga asana and pranayama practice in our room for about two and a half hours.

Later when the gentle morning sunlight came, we went for a walk around the streets of George Town. It’s the best time to walk outdoor in the early hours to enjoy the cooler temperature in Malaysia. We enjoyed Penang very much walking along the main streets and side streets in the old heritage site of George Town, and tasting the local street food and fresh fruit juice. The nutmeg juice, passion fruit juice and ambra juice were fantastic.

After the morning walk and breakfast, we drove around the island via Tanjung Bungah and Batu Ferringhi heading towards Balik Pulau and came back through Bayan Lepas. It was a nice drive. We also visited an old Nutmeg confectionery on the way, where my husband tasted the homemade nutmeg juice. His lips went numb for a while after drinking the juice. It was a harmless mild reaction towards nutmeg. Nutmeg juice is believed to be good for digestion and wind relieving.

We came back to the guesthouse and took a nice shower and continued to walk along the streets exploring George Town. We enjoy walking. We walked a lot everywhere we go – in the city or the country side. It is a very good gentle exercise for everyone of any age.

In the evening, my husband started to complain about pain in one of his ankles. This was probably because of walking too much over these two days. It depends on our body conditions. Sometimes too much exercise within a short period of time isn’t necessarily good for the body. Everything has to be balanced. If we feel muscle tightness or soreness, or easily get tired after a short and gentle exercise, then it’s the body telling us that we need to do more regular physical exercise to improve overall fitness. It might be a sign of Calcium deficiency as well.

Because of the sudden intense pain in his ankle, my husband wanted to see a doctor before attending the silent meditation retreat. I asked the man at the fruit juice stall for recommendation of a good Chinese Medicine Therapist in Penang. He recommended us a Chinese “Tit Da” who has a small consultation room inside a food court in Lebuh Kimberly.

A very kind couple sitting next to us overheard our conversation. They offered to send us to the place with their car. We took their offer as my husband felt so much pain in his ankle on every step he took. The couple was very helpful by leading us to the Chinese doctor and introduced us. It seemed like he was quite well-known for the locals in Penang. The price for consultation and massage treatment for muscular-tendon injuries is also very reasonable.

While the Chinese doctor was rubbing some medicine oil onto my husband’s foot and massaging his foot, he looked at my feet and said to me, “Your life is very hard. You had to work and support your family ever since you were very young.”

I smiled and replied, “Yes, I know. But it doesn’t matter as long as I am happy.”

He said, “It is very lucky that you can let go everything easily, or else it would be very suffering for you.”

I smiled.

He then looked at my feet again, and said, “Your parents don’t love you.”

I laughed and replied, “My parents love me very much.”

He was very insisted, “Nope. Your parents don’t love you or care for you, but they only concern about the money you bring back home to them.”

I kept quiet and smiled, as I didn’t need to argue with him whether my parents love me or not, or whether how much my parents love me to determine how much I will love them in return. What he told me didn’t make me unhappy or upset. I am not influenced by what other people say. I am also not determined by how much other people love me, or how other people treat me, or what is the response from other people towards my love and care for them, for how I treat other people and be kind to them. But, it gave me a reflection about there are many people easily being disturbed, influenced and manipulated by what other people say.

There are people who are easily being disturbed or influenced by what other people say, especially words coming from a fortune teller, or astrologer, or religious person, or spiritual person, or respected person, or good friend. How many people’s life or relationships were damaged just because the fortune teller told them something that made them feel bad, angry, unhappy and worry, and have doubts towards the people whom they loved even though nothing is happening?

If a fortune teller told a woman about her husband will leave her one day for another woman, this woman will be so unhappy from then on, and doesn’t trust the husband anymore, even though the husband is very loving and doesn’t have any intention or interest to have any love affair with another woman. Eventually, this woman becomes paranoid and will generate lots of tension in the relationship, and cannot trust or love the husband sincerely. She is always worrying that the husband will be with another woman. Eventually if the husband can’t take it anymore and break down, and gives up this relationship, it’s not because the prediction from the fortune teller is true, but it’s the woman herself being so ignorant that she would rather believe in a fortune teller’s word than believing in herself and her husband who loves her very much and sincerely. It’s a pity. How many relationships were broken because of this cultural practice of fortune telling?

Everyone has the freedom to their thoughts and say what they want to say, but we don’t have to blind-believe in what other people say, or be influenced and determined by what other people think and say. We don’t need to go to fortune tellers or astrologers to find out about the future if we know how to live in the present, be free from craving and aversion, fear and worry. We would do our best in life and allow life to be what it is, without expecting life to be the way that how we like it to be, or not to be the way that we don’t like it to be.

* * * * * * * * * *

It’s true that my life was very hard. He was right about that. That was what I perceived in the past too. A hard life, poor me.

It’s true that if I wasn’t be able to let go easily, I would be very unhappy and miserable having such a ‘hard life’.

He was right when he said that my parents were expecting money from me all the time. That was because they had no choice but to depend on me to bring home some money, because my sister and brothers are living in difficult conditions. I am the only one that they could rely on for helping out the living expenses of the family. There’s nothing wrong with supporting our parents if we are capable to do so. I had been supporting my parents since I was fifteen years old until they passed away. But, I am very glad that I was given the opportunity to be kind and compassionate towards myself and other beings, as this family is also one of the beings. It doesn’t mean that my parents don’t love me when they expect me to support their living. They loved me and everyone in the family very much.

Meanwhile some people are having children because they believe and expect their children would and should support their living later in life in return. They expect their children to carry out the duty of a child towards the parents, to look after them and support their living when they are old. While the children are being told that it is an obligation to support their parents and family in return. Those who think they are obliged to support their parents and family, but they are not willingly to do so, or they are not capable to do so, will be very unhappy, under pressure and exhausted mentally and emotionally. Some might feel guilty or blame themselves for being unable to look after or support their parents. While some people want to feel good about themselves by supporting their family, as it makes them feel proud about themselves for being able to give, for being a ‘good’ child or ‘good’ human being. They give is not for the sake of giving, but to gain some sorts of satisfaction about themselves in return. There’s nothing wrong with all these conventional thinking and belief, but yoga practice is to free the mind from all these conditional thinking and belief of the egoistic worldly society.

No one is obliged to support their family, as what the conventional worldly thinking and belief say so. But people would support their family, especially looking after their old parents, unconditionally out of love, not out of obligation, if they are capable to do so, if they want. There is no pressure or ill-feelings of guilt and pride in this act of kindness. People shouldn’t feel bad about themselves if they are not able to give to their family or to support their parents, and don’t need to feel proud if they are capable to do so.

All the hardships were in the past. I let go the hardships. I don’t hold onto hardships.

Although before they passed away, I still needed to support my father and my brother who had to look after my father 24 hours a day and he couldn’t work at the same time, but it really didn’t matter as long as I was still able to give. I am grateful that somebody who was dear to my father whom my father felt comfortable with, was taking good care of him. I won’t feel bad or unhappy if I was not able to give anymore, I would let them go.

I don’t need to continue to feed the past unhappy memories that doesn’t exist anymore, or let them influence how I should think and feel, to behave, to act or react in the present moment now. These past memories can’t determine the future either. I freed myself from being the slave of past happenings or memories. Meanwhile, by sharing my past stories might bring some light to someone who is going through hardship or is unhappy in life just like what I had went through.

There’s no secret and it’s not difficult to be free. Just keep practicing letting go. Forgive, and let go. Understand, and there will be nothing to let go.

In the past when I was deluded by ignorance, I felt and thought that my parents didn’t love me or care for me. But what my mind perceived about my parents couldn’t determine that my parents were bad parents or had treated me badly. It was all my own delusion and personal projection towards them that I felt and thought they were being unloving and unfair to me. I was really miserable, angry and full of hatred because of my own projection derived from incorrect understanding. I had shouted at my parents ruthlessly hurting their feelings many times, but they were never angry with me for my heart-breaking behavior and had accepted me as I was, and they allowed me to express how I felt and thought. Even if they had treated me badly which they didn’t, it really didn’t matter. I could still love them and care for them out of compassion.

After I understood about life and realized love and peace in myself, I stopped seeing there’s any problems or unhappiness in my life. I only feel gratefulness and contentment for the unconditional love and formless support that my parents and the universe had been giving me even though at certain stage, I felt and thought that they didn’t love me or care for me in the past out of my own projection.

Sometimes our parents caught up in some difficult moments in life to support our living until they can’t pay much attention to their children. They are physically and mentally exhausted by working very hard to provide the family with a better life condition or just to make enough for living, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love their children. I can truly understand it now, but not in the past though. That’s why I was very unhappy and angry. In the past, even though my father earned very little salary every month, he still can afford to bring us to the seaside for picnic on every weekend or brought us to the cinema for a movie, to spend his free time with his family. He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, and didn’t go out for entertainment at all, except being with us, with his family. It was only after the financial crisis in our family started, it’s no longer for us to have such outings and activities anymore. There were times during the difficult moments, we didn’t have food or money for the next meal.

When life is hard and there is no food on the table to feed their children, how could anyone think about some other things, not to say, to provide some leisure enjoyments to their children? It doesn’t mean that the parents don’t love their children. When they can provide the basic necessities for living out of love, they will also want to give the best education and living environment to their children to have a better life and brighter future. But, sometimes in the process of striving to give as much as they can give to their children, they can’t manage to take care of everything at one time. They only have one head, two arms, two legs and one body. While working hard for living they cannot be with their family all the time.

Some unhappy and angry children who hate themselves or hate their life and their parents, they might blame their parents for given birth to them while they were not financially stable enough to feed their children and couldn’t afford to bring them up in a comfortable environment. But, take a look at so many financially secured families with children, are they all happy and in peace and harmony? It’s not necessarily that being financially secured is a guarantee that the children will be happy and well loved. Without a high income also doesn’t determine that the children in that family will be unhappy and unloved. Love is not measured by money and life condition. It depends on each individual about how much we understand about life and how we cope with different living environments and conditions.

It’s not necessarily the fault of the parents when the children continue to be angry and unhappy about life as they grow into adulthood, blaming their parents for their own unhappiness.

Maybe in some cases of an unhappy family are due to irresponsible parents who neglect or abuse their children deliberately, but the grown up children should learn to take responsibility for themselves and their life no matter how much hardship they had been through in their childhood. There are people who came from broken family or had had some very bad childhood experiences with their parents, they still can be very successful and happy in life now. It really depends on ourselves whether we want to be disturbed and determined by our parents’ ignorance and be miserable all the time, or we can forgive and let go, and move on our life, and be free.

Whether the parents had succeeded or failed in providing what the society thinks and believes as appropriate growing up condition to their children, as their children we should be thankful and grateful for all their sacrifices and hardships that they had gone through. Sometimes our parents had done their best, but still life could be very hard on them. They might also feel depressed, exhausted, disappointed and frustrated in life, and when they come home from work, if the children complain, shout, cry and demand for this and that, or misbehave, it can be very tough for the parents as well.

Some children understood the sacrifices and hardships that their parents had gone through, and be grateful and appreciative towards whatever life had brought to them. They strive to do well and be happy in life to repay their parents with love and understanding, and provide a happy living environment for their parents. There are also children who couldn’t understand their parents’ sacrifices and hardships, and be angry and hating their parents for neglecting them, or didn’t support them, or didn’t give them what they want, or putting too much pressure on them to do well in life while they were growing up. And they continue to be unhappy, angry and dissatisfied in life after growing up and even after having their own family, and they blame their parents to be the reason why they are unhappy in life.

In this era, it’s rare to have parents who can have a flexible or short hour job to support a family and give maximum attention to their children at the same time. My mother was a stay at home house wife who took care of us the whole time before our family financial crisis. Then she had no choice but to go out to do some business to help out the living expenses during the financial crisis. She worked wasn’t because she was greedy or being ambitious, or wanted to be a successful business woman, and neglected us to chase after her own dream.

Even if she was chasing after her own dream after having a family, there’s nothing wrong with that. A woman, whether single or married, with or without children, should be able to have her dreams come true and has her own time doing something that she likes to do, even if she has certain duty and responsibility towards her family. Everyone will be busy at some stage in life and we might not be able to do everything at one time. Tolerance, adjustment, understanding and support should come from the children towards their parents as well, and it doesn’t has to be merely coming from the parents towards their children.

It’s not easy to be parents, especially when they try to do their best to be good parents. Some children complain about their parents didn’t support them enough. Some complain about what their parents give them is not what they want. Some complain about the parents didn’t care for them or didn’t pay enough attention to them. Some complain about the parents pay too much attention on them and make them feel pressured. Some complain about the parents don’t love them, while some complain that the parents love them too much. One expectation clashes with another expectation. Parents who have expectations towards the children, and children who have expectations towards the parents, and they all are disappointed towards each other due to their own expectation. This is all the play of ignorance and egoism.

Nobody can give me stress or put pressure on me, as nobody can influence me with their expectation or projection onto me. I don’t have to bother about other people’s expectation towards me, as I didn’t even have expectation towards myself. As this ‘I’ is just an impermanent name and form. It’s neither something good nor bad. It’s just what it is.

I don’t need to behave as what other people think I should behave.

In the end of life, who cares about how others think and judge and expect about “I”? This mind doesn’t mind.

A mad person and a liberated being, they both might behave the same, they both don’t bother about how the world think or judge about them, but one is without awareness and self-control, and is restless, while the other one is with awareness and self-control, and is peaceful.

I was, and I am grateful for what life had brought to me in the past, and what life gives me in the present moment, even if the experiences were not and is not always desirable, pleasant, or easy.

“I” am not affected, or influenced, or determined by other people’s thinking and behaviors, or how others treat me. Not even my parents or my partner in life can determine me for how I should think, feel, behave, act and react. “I” am not even responsible for “my life existence”, how can anybody else be responsible for “my life”? This life of the body and mind belongs to all the elements and energy, influenced by the law of nature, cause and effect, impermanence and selflessness. All these names and forms don’t belong to “I”. “I” don’t own “this life”. One day “this life” will come to an end. It’s not in the control of “I” about how long this body and mind will continue to be functioning and existing. Anytime the heart will stop beating, the lungs will stop breathing, and the body will decompose. Moreover, this “I” is not even I.

Just like I don’t own happiness. And certainly I do not create happiness. Peace is always there whether I am aware of it, or not. “I”, or the ego can be miserable sometimes even though peace never comes or goes, never increases or decreases. “I”, or the ego is always too busy with the impurities in the mind, being busy with reactions towards all the perceptions of name and form through the senses.

Nothing is more important than being happy and grateful towards ourselves, and loving ourselves as we are. Whether we think there’s nobody love and care for us, or there is really nobody to show love and care for us, or we are being treated badly or unfairly by others, as long as we know how to love ourselves, unselfishly, unconditionally, compassionately, everything will go into their respective places. Loving ourselves is the initial manifestation of compassion. And compassion is the key to ultimate freedom from suffering.

I stopped looking for love and attention from the world or from anybody. I don’t need to look for love and attention from others for me to feel love. Loneliness doesn’t exist in me, wherever I am, alone or being with somebody. Some people still feel lonely even though they have family and many friends being with them. Because loneliness isn’t coming from being alone. It is a feeling of emptiness or void that is nothing to do with whether there is some other people being with us, or not. Many people don’t like or have fear towards loneliness or emptiness. If we want to be free from loneliness, we need to know the Truth of who we really are, and realize non-separateness or oneness. Loneliness doesn’t exist because “I” don’t really exist. The mind perceives loneliness as the mind thinks it’s separated from what it perceives. Physically and mentally there is a sense of separateness, and is limited by time, space and causation. But beyond the body and the mind, beyond the perception of names and forms, there is no separateness.

Everyone has the freedom to apply judgment onto anything and anyone, but we don’t need to be determined by other people’s judgment, not even judgment coming from this mind towards itself, or what the mind thinks is judgment coming from me to myself.

Whether they are good and happy experiences or bad and unhappy experiences, all experiences are part of the mind purification process. I am grateful and thankful towards all kinds of experiences in life.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After sending my husband to a meeting place for the participants of the Vipassana silent meditation retreat in Ayer Itam at the foot of Penang Hill, I drove towards Kuala Lumpur by myself. I stayed 4 nights in a budget hotel called De Nice Inn in OUG square at Old Klang Road. It’s an okay hotel with helpful staff, but they didn’t have non-smoking rooms. The room smelled badly. I let the room air out for one whole day and the smell of cigarette was gone. The room was small, but I managed to squeeze in my usual yoga asana practice while staying here.

Besides doing my own practice in the hotel room, I had arranged to meet up with some old students and good friends in their home to practice yoga asana with me during my few days in Kuala Lumpur, to encourage them to develop self-practice at home. Their lives are very busy with many responsibilities of a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a charity club member, a community member, a full time mother, driver and tuition teacher to their children, as well as the maid for the house doing all the cleaning, washing, cooking and grocery shopping. Taking some time out of their busy schedule to do some yoga practice regularly at home to look after themselves is not that easy.

After spending four days in Kuala Lumpur, I drove to Penang to meet up with my husband and then drove back to Kuala Lumpur again as my husband wanted to attend a monthly reading session in Bangsar organized by Sharon Bakar, an important influencer who promotes the reading and writing scene of Malaysia.

We stopped by Taiping and stayed two nights at a reasonable priced new hotel called Hotel Taiping Perdana. The room was big and the staff were very efficient and friendly. We walked into the town and tasted some of the local hawker’s food. We also went to the Lake Garden and enjoyed a splash in a river nearby called the Burmese Pool. Taiping is a very peaceful quiet town.

From Taiping to Kuala Lumpur, we took the old road (K5), but it wasn’t a nice road with lots of potholes. We stopped by at Kuala Selangor for dinner and decided to join the fire-flies watching boat tour. We almost turned back halfway as the road to the fire-flies watching jetty was very dark and narrow, and the signs were not very clear. There were many people waiting to go on the boats, so we decided not to do the trip this time as we might arrive too late in Kuala Lumpur, and my friend was waiting to receive us in their home. Somehow, we still ended up arriving late. The traffic from Kuala Selangor to Subang was congested that evening. We found out the next day from newspaper that the congestion was because Klang was hit by a flood that day.

On this second trip to Kuala Lumpur, we stayed with my friend and her family in their home in Subang USJ. It was a very beautiful home stay experience. It was a very lovely harmonious home. My friend and her husband are a very loving and cheerful couple. So are their children – open-minded and cheerful. We received warm welcome from the entire family and had a few days of great sharing. My husband had a wonderful time being with the kids and chatting with my friend’s husband. The elder daughter who was only nine years old at that time, but already played piano for four years. She played a very nice piece of music on our first night there. Both the children spoke excellent English and communicated very well with my husband. They were very self-disciplined on looking after their homework and studies. It’s not surprising that they always had very good results in school.

I did a yoga asana practice session with my friend. The children also joined in imitating what we were doing for fun.

After 17 days of travelling, we finally headed back to Langkawi. It was a long journey from Kuala Lumpur to Kuala Kedah. We took the North South Highway (E1) this time. As usual, we made a stop-over at Penang for one night. On the next morning, we continued driving towards Kuala Kedah to send the car to the car ferry-port before 1.00 pm. And we made it for the 1.30 pm passenger ferry to get back to Langkawi Island.

It was nice to be back to our little simple home.

PS: The ‘Tit Da’ Chinese doctor mentioned that my husband is a man who loves and cares for his wife very much. That’s very true. I truly appreciate my husband’s love and care for me, without intention, without expectation, without attachment, and without craving and clinging.

READ ON...

Confused relationship mixed with love and hatred?

Lately there are some readers find Be Happy's Blog through this search word - "confused relationship mixed with love and hatred"...

We might be interested to know about "love and hatred in relationship", maybe it is coming from our own life experience or from other people's life experience, it is beneficial for anyone and any relationships for us to know about why a love relationship can turn sour and bitter, and have hatred towards our partner and the relationship...

From the point of view of Yoga teachings about the mind, the ego, the feelings, desires, ignorance, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, attachments, suffering, compassion and the law of impermanence, here are some explanations why there are quite many confused relationships mixed with love and hatred in the world...

Before we can love another person and get into relationship with anyone, we need to have love in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves and are happy with ourselves as we are, and not having expectation that our lover or partner will make us happy or expect the relationship will give us love and happiness...

To love ourselves, we need to be able to accept ourselves as we are in the present moment as it is... Then only we can love ourselves and be happy with our own self as we are... If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, and don't know how to love ourselves, how is it possible for us to accept other people as they are and know how to love other people as they are? If we are not peaceful and have no love, how can we share peace and love with others?

We will be very disappointed by our own expectation, and the relationship will definitely turn sour and bitter if we expect our lover or partner or the relationship to give us love and happiness, to make us happy and be loved... It's because nobody and no relationship can give us love and happiness... Love and happiness is coming from within ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and accepting ourselves as we are, whether we are in a relationship with someone or not...

If we don't have love in ourselves and are not happy with our own self as we are, and trying to get love and happiness from other people or from relationship to get rid of the incompleteness and emptiness in us, then no matter how much our partner love us and be nice to us, we will never be satisfied and happy...

At the beginning of a relationship, two people must be in love with each other and decided to be in a relationship sharing life together.

But, as time goes by, impermanence strikes... Physical condition changes, appearance changes, abilities change, mentality changes, things change, environment changes, the state of mind changes, feelings change, hormones change, likes and dislikes change, what we want and don't want change...

After spending some time together getting to know each other deeper, exposing our real personality in front of our partner, we realize that we don't really like or love our partner as much as before, because we start to see the qualities in our partner that we don't like about... The feeling of love become lesser and lesser, and one day, it's completely gone... We are not in love with him or her anymore... It's heartbreaking for our partner to know that we are not in love with them anymore, if they are still in love with us... They might get upset and be angry with us... And they have the rights and should be allowed to be upset and angry with us...

Even when we feel in love with our partner more than before as time goes by, that is because we start to see more qualities in our partner that we like about...

This is definitely nothing wrong... It is the Truth of impermanence.

It is also the Truth of "We don't really love anyone at all, but we only fell in love with some qualities that we like and agree with in that person at that moment... Maybe it's the physical body, the face, the entire appearance, the sexuality, the energy field, the personality, the way that he or she talks and moves, the way that he or she treats us, what he or she does, what he or she likes and dislikes, what he or she believes, how he or she thinks, and etc..."

Once those qualities in our lover or partner changed into something different from what we like and want, or when what we like and want has changed, we like and want something else, then we don't feel love or interest in this person anymore... And from then, everything that our partner do and say will annoy us easily and this will turn into feelings of disgust and hatred towards our partner and the relationship...

When we are still in love with the qualities in our lover or partner, everything that our lover or partner say and do is nice and positive... When we stop loving the qualities in our lover or partner, then everything that our partner say and do is not nice and negative...

Our partner and the relationship doesn't have the qualities or intention to make us happy or not happy, to give us love or not... It is the projection from our own mind's expectation that we will be loved and be treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, then we will be happy and feel love... And if we are not being loved or treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, we will be unhappy and feel frustrated... From frustration it becomes anger, and from anger it turns into hatred...

When we say we love someone, know that we don't really love that person... We are selfish. We only love what we like and agree with... Once it changed into something that we don't like and don't agree with, we don't feel love for that person anymore and replace with disgust, disinterest and hatred, because we couldn't find pleasure, excitement and happiness in the relationship with that person, because we cannot love him or her as he is, as she is, as changes happen in us and in our lover or partner from moment to moment... We cannot find satisfaction in our lover or partner or the relationship now, because they are not the things that we like and want anymore...

This is a cruel reality about love relationship, but it is the Truth...

So, if we feel hatred in a relationship, ask ourselves this question, "Do we really love this person?" or "Are we just in love with the qualities in that person that we like and agree with?"

If we really love this person, we won't have hatred towards this person or this relationship... We will be able to accept our partner as he is or as she is, and able to accept the relationship as it is, even though there are constant changes in us or in our partner or in the relationship... And if we really know what is unconditional love or selfless love or unselfish love, we won't have any expectation in getting love and happiness from our partner or from the relationship... Even if we don't get any love in return, we are fine because we love ourselves. We have love and happiness in ourselves. We do not depend on our partner or any relationship to give us love and happiness...

And if we feel hatred, then that clearly indicates that we don't really love this person. How can we hate someone that we really love? That indicates that we only love the image of that person that we built up for him or her, we only love the qualities that we expect from him or her, but we hate the reality of that person being what he is or what she is, but then this reality is not something that we like and want... That's why we feel love and hatred at the same time in a love relationship...

Sometimes the feeling of hatred is not about our partner not being the person that we like and want, but it is from ourselves being dissatisfied with ourselves, looking for compliments from our partner to fulfill that imperfection or incompleteness in us, and if we couldn't get that from our partner or from the relationship, we will be more disappointed and frustrated with ourselves, and turn that frustration and anger towards our partner and our relationship as well, blaming our partner or the relationship causing us unhappiness...

We think we are angry with our lover or partner, but actually we are angry with ourselves...

Sometimes it is just some hormonal changes in our body that generates the feeling of disgust, disinterest and hatred. That is nothing to do with whether our partner is being loving and nice to us or not. Even though our partners love us very much and treat us the way that we want them to treat us, but due to the hormone changes influencing our mood very much, we'll still feel like "we don't love our partner", or "we hate our partner", or "we hate our relationship", or "we hate ourselves", or "we hate our life"... If this is the case, then by changing our lifestyle, do some exercise regularly, eat some healthy choice of food, stop eating junk food, stop abusing the body and mind with unhealthy inputs, have a healthy sleeping pattern, balancing work, rest and play, will help to balance up the hormone system in our body and will change how we feel and don't feel...

Sometimes we feel anger and hatred towards our lover or partner or the relationship, it is because our partners did something or said something that really hurt our feelings, we cannot forgive and hold on to that bitterness, and it turn into anger and hatred towards our partner for hurting us... We need to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves by letting go of anger and hatred... Forgive and let go whatever had happened... If our partner is still hurting us with his or her actions and speech, we can choose to let go of this relationship, in order to allow ourselves to heal ourselves, to love ourselves, to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and not allow ourselves continue to be abused or hurt by that person, even if we love that person very much and don't feel like leaving him or her.

If our lover or partner really loves us, they won't be abusing or hurting us so much... And if they really love us, but at the same time unwittingly, whether intentionally or unintentionally hurting us through actions and speech, that must be something isn't right going on in his or her mind... He or she is in suffering. He or she is not happy, not peaceful... And if this is the case, we won't have anger and hatred towards him or her, because we will be compassionate towards his or her situation or condition...

Some people are being over-powered by drugs or alcohol, and cannot control their own actions and speech, and generates hurts to their lover or partner, physically, mentally and emotionally... But, when they come back to sanity, they feel so guilty and regret for what they have done... If this is the case, this person needs to help himself or herself to come out from this suffering... We cannot do anything to help this person if he or she doesn't want to help himself or herself to be free from drugs or alcohol abuse... Sometimes we have to let go this relationship, but we can continue to help this person to come out from his or her problems, if we love this person, but this action of helping is out of compassion, and not as a person in the relationship being responsible or obligated to help this person...

If our lover or partner is taking pleasure in their actions and speech to hurt us physically, mentally and emotionally, that means he or she is very sick, mentally sick... And he or she is in great suffering being totally deluded by ignorance... We should be compassionate towards him or her, and won't be angry with him or her... We don't have to continue to be in this relationship if we don't want to, and let him or her takes responsibility for himself or herself... We cannot take responsibility for his or her ignorance. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves... We cannot expect our lover and partner to take responsibility for our mentality and behavior, or to remove the ignorance for us, just because they are in a relationship with us...

If things can be fixed, we can try our best to fix it. If things cannot be fixed, we have to let it go...

No matter what reasons that induce the feelings of anger and hatred in relationship, most important is that we need to be able to forgive and let go... Free ourselves, free our body and mind from anger and hatred is more important than try to please other people, or to help other people to come out from suffering, when we ourselves need to be helped and healed. We need to love ourselves, accept ourselves as we are, and then we are able to love someone else, and accept other people as they are... Even though they don't love us or didn't treat us the way that we want them to treat us, we will still love this person as he is or as she is, out of compassion, without asking any love and appreciation in return...

And if continue in a relationship will only bring further unhappiness and suffering onto one of us or the two of us, because we cannot change how we feel about the other person, or change how the other person feels for us, then it is better to let this relationship go... May ourselves be happy, and may our lover or partner be happy... We might meet some other people who can teach us how to love ourselves and be happy in any relationships... We allow the universe to bring us the one who is our partner and our teacher as well... Who knows maybe days later, or weeks later, or months later, or years later the two people will love each other again, and want to start a new relationship with greater understanding and unconditional love...

We should be able to be free and be happy with ourselves whether being in a relationship or not being in a relationship...

If being in a relationship that doesn't allow us to be truthful and honest for being what we really are, then this relationship won't last long, even though we love that person very much and want to be with that person... If we try to please the other person by presenting ourselves pretend to be somebody with the image and personality that he or she likes, we will be exhausted and unhappy... There's no meanings in preserving this relationship...

If we are really angry with our lover or partner whether there's a reason or there's no reason for that anger, we should be able to let our lover or partner know that we don't feel good and we are angry... And if he or she really loves us as we are, they won't mind about it and will accept that in this present moment now, we are not in a good mood, and not necessarily that there is a problem in the relationship...

We don't need to find faults nor blame anyone for our anger and unhappiness as this will energized the fire of anger and unhappiness. Even this anger and unhappiness will pass away... It's impermanent... After a few moments, or a few days, or a few weeks, or a few months, that feeling of anger and unhappiness will be gone... Why want to ruin a fine relationship just because of some common feelings of up and down that exist in everyone, that are impermanent?

If we really love someone, we should be able to allow that person to be able to freely express his or her present feelings and emotion, and give support to him or her... Develop an open-minded understanding that sometimes (especially when we are still not being free from identification with the ego yet), we can be disturbed, we can be imbalanced, we can be fragile, we can be not so kind, we can be selfish, we can be emotional, we might have anger, we might have jealousy, we might have disappointment, we might have dissatisfaction, and etc... And through this understanding, we allow ourselves and the other person to be who we really are, to express freely and honestly how we feel, and be able to be "not so nice" and "not so loving" once in a while... We are not perfect, and we cannot expect our partner to be perfect all the time...

Go and find love and peace and contentment in our own self first, before we get into a relationship and telling our partner, "I love you..." when we don't really love ourselves and are not happy with ourselves, and expect to find love and happiness from our partner and love relationship... Expecting our partner and love relationship will give us love and happiness to remove the feelings of loneliness and unhappiness... We will be very disappointed because our partner and the relationship cannot give us love and happiness... They cannot take away the loneliness and unhappiness in us...

Love and happiness is coming from within our self, when we are free from attachments, craving and aversion... Momentary feelings of love and happiness that come from getting what the ego likes and wants, and having our desires fulfilled, and not experience anything that we don't like and don't want, are conditional and impermanent... As long as craving and aversion is there, we can never be fully satisfied, or be truly happy for being what we are and accepting everything as it is...

There is nobody nor any relationships will give us love and happiness, if we don't have love and happiness in ourselves... If we feel love and happiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we love ourselves... If we feel hate and unhappiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we don't love ourselves...

We will be disappointed and feel frustrated in the relationship, when we realize that our partner and our relationship cannot give us the things that we want, such like love, happiness, completeness, satisfaction, pleasure, and etc...

The warm happy love feelings and satisfaction that we think they are coming from our relationship with our partner, and our partner is loving us and being nice to us, it's conditional, it's limited, it is not real happiness... Why? Because if there is some problems occur in our relationship, and our partner stop being loving and are not nice to us anymore, do we still feel warm happy love feelings and satisfaction? Nope, we don't... Instead we will feel so unhappy, angry, hating and disappointed...

We feel love and happiness it's not because our partner love us, but because they love us the way that we want them to love us... Even if our partner love us, but not love us the way that we want them to love us, we won't be happy and satisfied. In fact, we will be angry with them... Where is love? There's no love... We only love our own selfish intention and expectation towards our lover or partner and the relationship... When our intention and expectation is being gratified, we feel good and happy... But when our intention and expectation is not being gratified, we feel unhappy and angry... Do we still want to say that we love our lover or partner?

If we both have love and happiness within ourselves, then both of us can compliment each other without trying to expect the other person to give us love and make us happy... This type of relationship will last long, even though sometimes we have mood swing, and sometimes there are ups and downs in life...

Every time when we feel angry with our lover or partner, know that it is nothing to do with our lover or partner... It is because we are angry with the reality of things that are not the way that we like them to be... Our likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement, craving and aversion are not being gratified, that's why we are angry and disappointed... It is not because of our partner's behavior is not nice, but it is because we don't like or don't agree with the way things are, especially when our partner didn't behave the way that we "expect" them to behave...

It is okay that sometimes we don't feel love or we feel angry in a relationship with someone... Allow ourselves and our partner to experience impermanence of feelings and moods... Feelings of love will pass... Feelings of hatred also will pass... What remain is unconditional love that is beyond feelings of love and hatred that keeps the relationship growing and lasting...

Real love and happiness is unconditional and will not change... It is always there in us, no matter how is our relationship with someone, or how is our partner treating us, or whether our partner will fulfill our desires, or having qualities that we like and want or not...

May all be happy whether being in a relationship with someone or not...

Om shanti...

Be happy.

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Additional notes :

Feelings always changing... It's impermanent. That's why sometimes we feel love, sometimes we don't feel love... It's normal.

Unconditional love is being kind and compassionate towards any beings without selfish desires, selfish intention, judgment, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, expectation and attachment... It's selfless and unconditional...

There's no differences between us and everyone else. We love everyone including ourselves. There's no differences between "my" family or not "my" family, "my" friend or not "my" friend, people whom I know or don't know, people whom I like or don't like, people whom I agree with or disagree with, people whom I think they are good or not good.

And we do not expect love, gratitude and appreciation in return. There is no anger, hatred, jealousy, disappointment, unhappiness in compassionate love. Just like the sun, the air, the water, the earth and the space are always there giving and providing all the necessary elements and energy for everything to be exist in the universe, without any desires, intention or judgment or comparison or expectation or likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement... They never ask anything in return...

They don't get upset and angry or disappointed when the people polluting the earth, the water and the air. The space doesn't mind when people start to think that they "possess" the space as their own private space. The wind doesn't mind that the people harvest the wind and make money out of it... The sun doesn't get upset when people condemn the sun is too hot or too much, causing them skin cancer or skin burn... The sun has no intention to benefit anyone to be exist, nor cause anyone discomfort or painful suffering... The sun has no expectation that anyone will be grateful and thankful for its contribution for everything to be exist in the universe... (If we don't want to get skin burn or skin cancer, we take responsibility for ourselves, don't stay under the sun for too long...)

They are always there providing and giving for everything to be exist in this universe... It doesn't matter what are the reactions or judgments coming from the beings about the water is too much or too little, the air is too strong or too weak, the sun is too much or too little, the earth is too soft or too hard, the space is too big or too small...

Selfish passionate love comes with our selfish desires, intention, judgment, expectation, and possessiveness... Expect "my..." to be there for me, support me, love me, appreciate me, take care of me, to be grateful and thankful for "what I did for you and how much I love you..." and etc...

When our desires are not being gratified, when we don't get what we want from "my...", we get upset, angry, unhappy, disappointed...

Passionate love based on qualities, names and forms that I like and want. If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I like about you, then I feel love for you... If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I don't like about you, I don't feel love for you, I feel disgusting for you...

If you do things and say things that I like and agree with, I am happy and I love you... If you do things and say things that I don't like and don't agree with, I am angry and I hate you...

In selfish passionate love, we only love something that we like and agree with, but we cannot love something that we don't like and disagree with...

Compassionate love is beyond all qualities, names and forms... No love, no hate... Beyond likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement... We don't have to love or hate anything or anyone... We accept and respect everything and everyone as it is...

If we can love "our" family, "our" friends, "our" parents, "our" siblings, "our" girlfriend or boyfriend, out of compassion, there is no unhappiness, anger or disappointment... We don't own them, and they have no obligation to love us or satisfy our desires or to make us happy... Even if someone we love doesn't love us at all, it doesn't matter... We won't feel hurt from not getting the love that we want... If we are compassionate... We don't need to get love from anyone, because we are love itself...

We have no desire for anyone to give us love... We don't need to... There are unlimited or abundance of love in us already... And we can love anyone without expectation...

That's why selfish possessive type of passionate love relationship ends up sour and bitter, full of anger, hatred, unhappiness and disappointment... It's because our desires are not being fulfilled... We didn't get what we want... The relationship didn't turn out the way that we want... "My..." didn't treat me or behave the way that I want them to treat me or behave...

You see, it's all come from what "I" want and what "I" like... We make ourselves suffer and unhappy... It's not the people that we love or people in the relationship with us that make us suffer and not happy...

Om shanti...