Move away from the conditions and influences that empower the ignorance and egoism in one's mind

If the mind is mentally and emotionally independent, then this mind can mix and interact with anyone, and engaging in all kinds of worldly ties and connections, social activities and interactions. This mind won't be influenced by all kinds of condition and influence coming from everyone and everywhere.

If the mind is not mentally and emotionally independent, where it is easily being conditioned and influenced by the conditions and influences coming from everyone and everywhere that are detrimental to one's mental health, that empower the ignorance, egoism, impurities and restlessness in the mind, where the mind keeps behaving in the way that hurt oneself and those in one's life, unwittingly, and then, telling everyone, "You are imagining all this," or "I am sorry. I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate you very much," or "Get over it. Let it go. We all are not perfect. We all make mistake," while keep repeating the similar behavior, and repeating saying the same sentences to be justifying one's behavior, then this mind really needs to move away from such condition and influence, even if they are one's family, parents, siblings, spouse, or friends.

People talk highly about family love and support, but if domestic abuse is happening in the family, one needs to move away from the family. It's not wrong, or selfish, or unloving, to help oneself, to be kind to oneself, to look after oneself. Unless, one is mentally and emotionally independent, and has already transcended all kinds of experiences, and is not being disturbed or affected by any kinds of abusive behavior, where oneself isn't being determined and influenced by such experiences to also behave in such way that hurt oneself and others, while knowing how to not empowering the ignorance and ignorant behavior in others by covering up and justifying the ignorance and ignorant behavior in others, even if they are one's beloved family.

A mentally disturbed father was being abusive towards his children, while his wife or the mother of the children was covering up and justifying such abusive behavior, and then, the children growing up behaving exactly like the father and the mother. Everyone is behaving hurtfully under a disturbed state of mind, while covering up and justifying for one another's behavior out of family love and support. None can help such family, as anyone who tries to help will be recognized as 'the enemy that tries to hurt the family' by the entire family, where everyone justifies, "There's nothing wrong with our family. We all are good and loving people. We love and support one another very much. You are the one that is trying to hurt our family."

Pretending to be strong, and becoming a bully, in order to stop oneself from being bullied by others, is not a solution at all. One doesn't need to be strong or become a bully. One just needs to walk away from the bullies.

Look after one's mind, so that one can truly love, appreciate and be kind to oneself and all and everyone, while not being determined or influenced by any conditions or influences, and not being disturbed, or affected, or hurt by all kinds of ignorance and ignorant behavior in anyone.

All kinds of love and connection

Regardless of family, friendship, relationship, community, spiritual or transcendental love and connection, allowing all kinds of love and connection to be present or absent, and being what it is, as it is, regardless of whether agreeable or disagreeable. Without chasing after, longing or clinging towards all kinds of love and connection. Without expectation towards all kinds of love and connection to be or not to be in certain way.

Learn how to love oneself selflessly before anything else

Love that comes with attachment, craving and expectation will only bring pain to oneself and those whom one thinks one loves very much, but not really.

Love that is free from attachment, craving and expectation will bring peace to oneself, regardless of whether others love oneself, or not.

Only those who know how to love oneself selflessly, know how to love others selflessly.

Only those who are free from attachment, craving and expectation towards oneself, know how to love others without attachment, craving and expectation.

Those who love oneself and others selflessly don't need to receive love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation and companionship from others to feel good and meaningful about oneself and everything. They don't need others to love them for them to love others.

They love themselves and others as they are.

Those who don't know how to love oneself will try to do many things in order to please others, with craving and expectation towards giving and receiving love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation and companionship to and from others, in order to feel good and meaningful about oneself and everything. But then one will feel bad and meaningless about oneself and everything when all these names and forms are absent.

Those who know how to love oneself and others selflessly maybe doing many things for oneself and others, but it's not about pleasing oneself and others, so that oneself and others will feel good and meaningful through giving and receiving love, acceptance, acknowledgement, appreciation and companionship among one another.

This is the yoga practice, to realize selfless loving kindness beyond chemistry influenced conditional passionate sensual feelings of love.

Those who know this, are free.

Lockdown expose the mental state of many people

After many days/weeks of observing lockdown in many different countries, not just that the process of lockdown could help to contain the global epidemic effectively, but unintentionally, it also helps to expose the mental state of many people, where many people themselves are not aware of their own mental state that is not so well. Some people appreciate and enjoy the many days/weeks being with their family/relative/friend physically under the same roof at this time being, but there are also many more people are starting to behave in the way that is not how they usually behaved due to being restricted from the freedom of going somewhere and doing something that one likes and familiars with, as well as being physically constraint in a limited space all the time being with the family/relatives/friends.

People are worried about those who lives alone during this time being, and encourage companionship of family, relatives or friends staying close together under the same roof during the lockdown for a prolonged period of time, but actually, that could be generating or exposing more 'human interactive problems' among one another physically/mentally/emotionally than those who lives alone.

Some people are developing momentary mild mental stress/instability due to anxiety towards the present situation, but some are already suffering from mental illness/breakdown even before the lockdown that never been treated properly as they weren't even aware of it, but now, it's being 'forced' to be exposed due to there's not enough personal time and space where two or more people are being 'stuck' together physically sharing the same limited living space under the same roof being refrained from their many out of the house social leisure activity with some other 'beings' or just to be having some personal time and space being alone by themselves to 'escape' the 'tension/stress' built up at home being with the people that they live with.

The accumulating tension, stress, frustration and dissatisfaction are not only deriving from anxiety generated towards the pandemic situation, but also from dealing with the 'normal yet abnormal' human's behavior of the other members living in the same house undergoing the process of lockdown. People under stress are starting to loose their limited patience/tolerance and behaving aggressively towards one another who live under the same roof. It's not strange that there will be more and more family/relationship problem brewing slowly/rapidly and domestic abuse are increasingly happening everywhere.

Meanwhile there will be somewhat 'mentally/emotionally healthy' people are appreciating the 'enforced' time and space being with their loved ones and learn how to be more patient and tolerant under this lockdown situation for a prolonged period of time.

 

(Updated in August 2021)

After a prolonged ‘failed’ ongoing lockdown authorized by certain ‘authority’ that think they know what they are doing but actually they don’t really know what they are doing, that doesn’t really help to contain the pandemic, but generating further stress to the common people as they are losing their livelihood and maybe also losing their loved ones due to the disease, on top of dealing with fear towards contracting the disease and fear towards being prosecuted under the many added ‘new’ rules and regulations that are being introduced from time to time with the ‘intention’ to curb the pandemic, and hence, there are more and more people are suffering from intense anxiety and depression due to financial and health crisis, especially living in areas that are under an authority that didn’t provide sufficient finance and health care assistance to their people.

 

The many ‘information’ towards the vaccines that are circulating on social medias also doesn’t help. However, everyone have their own freedom of thinking, belief and choices towards any information about vaccines, especially the role of vaccination, as well as whether certain people might have certain health complications or allergies that don’t allow them to take certain drugs or any form of vaccines, even if they would prefer to be vaccinated against certain diseases. Everyone have the freedom to express what they think and desire, and what they do or don’t do with their body or life existence. Everyone also take the responsibility towards one's desire and the consequences of one's desire.

 

For yoga practitioners, it’s not about how all the others think, believe and desire, not to say, to reason everything based on what others think, believe and desire, but one would reason and inquire what are the most beneficial actions that can be done in this present moment for helping the entire world to move forward, without being influenced by any particular thinking and belief in the world of ignorance and egoism. More importantly, yoga is not separated from science. Life is science. Human’s body mechanism is science. Human’s behavior is science. Hormones, secretions, bodily organs and systems, cells, atoms, neurons, muscular and bone structures and etc, are science. Selflessness and Impermanence is science. How everything exist, change, and ceased existing, is science. The nature’s law of cause and effect is science. Yoga of silence is science beyond names and forms.

 

One is fearless towards making the appropriate decision and the consequences of one’s decision, uninfluenced by one’s family and friends and community’s different opinions about the vaccines. There’s no perfection in any decision and action. There are pros and cons in any actions. The fearless beings perform actions based on what is most beneficial for the world to move forward, without attachment, identification, judgment, or expectation.

 

The teachings of yoga doesn’t discriminate any kind of names and forms, not to say, anyone’s decision towards getting vaccinated, or not, especially in a prolonged pandemic situation. The difference between yoga practitioner and non-yoga practitioner is whether one inquires the truth of everything without being influenced by any particular worldly thinking and belief that are under the influence of ignorance and egoism to judge everything, or not.

Meaning / Purpose of life existence?

Most minds look for the 'meaning/purpose of life existence' in certain qualities of names and forms, of worldly affairs, actions, activities, interactions, relationships, achievements, objects, conditions, quality of life, contributions, selfless service, and etc.

"Find something or do something in life that make you feel meaningful that give you the sense of purpose of life existence, so that life wouldn't be meaningless and purposeless." That's what many people think and believe and propagate. People are suffering from 'meaninglessness' or 'loneliness' because they try to find the 'meaning/purpose of life' in the worldly names and forms (conditions/relationships/actions/activities/experiences/achievements) that are limited by impermanence and selflessness, that are conditioned by time, space and causation, that are perishable.

There's nothing wrong with the minds finding 'meaning' or 'purpose' of life existence in certain qualities of names and forms, of worldly affairs, actions, activities, interactions, relationships, achievements, objects, conditions, quality of life, contributions, selfless service, and etc. Especially when there's no attachment towards all the perishable qualities of names and forms that give the mind the sense of 'meaning' or 'purpose' of life existence.

Those who practice yoga or Buddhism, they don't seek the 'meaning' or 'purpose' of life existence in anything that is subject to impermanence and selflessness, that is perishable. Even 'life', or 'life existence', or anything that is existing or related to this 'life existence', including the physical body and the modification of the mind, all actions and the fruit of actions, and the 'yoga practice' and the result of the 'yoga practice', regardless of 'good' or 'bad' qualities and 'positive' or 'negative' elements, are all subject to impermanence and selflessness.

For those who practice yoga or Buddhism, the very basic inquiry is to look into the physical body and the modification of the mind to see the truth of impermanence and selflessness of the existence and function of the physical body and the mind, that allows the mind to drop off the attachment and identification towards the physical body and the mind perception of names and forms and the related worldly life existence, as the basic foundation that leads the mind towards Self-realization, realizing selflessness/egolessness/'I'-lessness/oneness/namelessness/formlessness/attributelessness.

The physical body needs constant maintenance, to be fed from time to time to be functioning/existing/surviving, while generating/disposing many by-products at the same time, and constantly balancing between physical/mental activities and rest. When it didn't get fed enough, it will feed on itself ('eating' itself), withdrawing energy, liquid, minerals and nutrients from the body itself to feed itself to be continuing functioning/existing/surviving. If the energy supply stopped for more than a certain period of time, when it no longer can function/survive by 'eating' itself, the body will stop functioning and decomposing, or 'death' takes place. 

 

There's nothing good or bad, positive or negative, happiness or unhappiness, meaningfulness or meaninglessness, purposefulness or purposelessness about the birth and death of the physical body (of oneself and others), and all those impermanent changes of growth, decaying, aging, deteriorating and illness/injury/pain/discomfort in between birth and death. It's the same as the modification of the mind perceiving all the names and forms of a life existence through the senses via the sense organs of the physical body, that rely on Prana/energy/food/oxygen/water/nutrients/minerals supply to be functioning, constantly changing selflessly under the influence of all kinds of inputs/elements/Gunas/cause and effect.

Once the mind goes beyond the attachment and identification towards the selfless and impermanent function/existence of the physical body and the modification of the mind, then all kinds of 'pleasant/unpleasant' relationships/experiences/possessions/qualities of names and forms are just being what they are, neither meaningful nor meaningless, neither purposeful nor purposeless. There's no need of finding/having a 'meaning/purpose of life existence' in the worldly life and all that exist in it. Though one can 'cherish' all the good and happy moments/experiences with all and everyone that one loves and appreciates, but without clinging onto or labeling 'this and that' as meaningful or 'this and that' as the purpose of (my) life existence. It's like watching 'the loved ones' or 'the precious ones' passing away one by one, while being aware of this is the truth of all existence of names and forms that are impermanent and selfless. It's just whether the mind can make use of 'this' and 'now', the perception of a worldly life existence in this present moment to transcend 'itself', or 'the stream of continuous thought current of a worldly existence of names and forms/objects of the senses', or 'the ignorance towards itself'.

One just makes use the physical body, the thinking mind, the knowledge, the learning, the education, the skills, the talents, the conditions and the opportunities to be doing something for oneself and others. Without the need of the 'meaning/purpose of life existence'.

Above all, the one that needs to have the 'meaning/purpose of life existence' to feel good and meaningful to be existing, is the ego.

Broken / complicated relationship involving third party?

Broken/complicated relationship involving third party is not something uncommon nowadays.

There might be different kinds of situation exist in any relationship. It doesn't matter what kind of situation, most people would think and believe and expect that two people should commit themselves to be loyal and faithful towards one another being in a 'committed' relationship, if oneself has no sincerity to be 'committed' and 'faithful' in a relationship, then just don't get into a relationship with anyone, as whether wittingly or unwittingly, oneself will cause 'hurts' to the other person in the relationship with oneself. But in many relationships, two people have love for each other in the beginning, and want to be in a relationship together, but after some time, the 'feeling of love' is less, or is not there anymore, where they don't feel love towards the partner anymore, and either they don't want to be in the relationship anymore, or they would want to look for the 'feeling of love' in other love affairs/relationships with other people.

For example, A and B is in a so called 'committed' relationship, while B is also having an open or secret love affair/relationship with C.

In such relationship that involved 'third party', most people would think that A is the 'victim', while B and C are the 'selfish and immoral' bad people that are hurting A. A should deserved sympathy and support from others, while B and C should be blamed and condemned for being 'selfish and immoral and hurtful'. But for those who understand 'love' and 'relationship', no one is being a 'victim' and no one is being 'selfish/immoral/hurtful' bad people in a broken/complicated relationship.

There's neither right nor wrong in 'love relationship' even if it's 'broken', whether with or without involving third party. It's just a relationship didn't turn out to be the way that most people desire/expect it to be, as well as there's no 'love' in such relationship. And there's nothing wrong if there's no 'love', or an expected relationship is non-existing, or a relationship is discontinued, for any reason.

If there's love in the relationship, the relationship won't be broken/damaged, it's either a relationship that continues or discontinued/came to an end, due to any reason, in peace. If there's love from oneself towards the partner, one will have loving kindness, self-control and decency to not commit in any behavior that would be 'hurtful' to the partner in the relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Even if there's 'feeling of love' in the relationship in the beginning, and the 'feeling of love' is impermanent, it will change and disappear. But, if there's love, then even though sometimes the 'feeling of love' is less, or not there anymore, one will still be kind to the partner in the relationship with oneself, and would not behave in the way that would be 'hurtful' to the partner, not because of the sense of 'commitment' or 'obligation' towards a 'committed' relationship, but out of loving kindness.

There's nothing wrong either if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry thinking and believing oneself is being 'a victim' of other people's unloving/unfaithful/hurtful/immoral behavior. Everyone has the rights and freedom to feel what they want to feel and react the way that they want to react. But then, one must also understand that if one feels hurt/disappointed/angry, it's because one doesn't really love the partner as he/she is, one only loves one's desire and expectation towards the partner and the relationship has to be in certain ways. One has desire and expectation towards the relationship and the partner to be in certain way, and when things turn out to be not the way that one desires or expects, when one is getting something that one doesn't like, doesn't want and doesn't agree with, and when one is losing what one likes (the relationship and the partner being in certain ways that one desires it to be), or what one likes (the perfect faithful loving partner/relationship) is no longer available, or is 'disturbed', or has changed into something else, that's why one feels hurt/disappointed/angry. It's not because the partner or the relationship is 'bad' and 'wrong' that cause the 'hurts/disappointment/anger' in oneself, but, it's because one doesn't love the partner as he/she is, but only loves what one likes/desires/expects.

It's how everyone/human beings/the untrained egoistic minds react towards 'ungratified desires' of "This is not what I like and want and expect.", or "I am not getting what I like and want, but I'm getting what I don't like and don't want." or "This is something wrong/bad/hurtful/undeserving happening to me."

If there's correct understanding towards 'love' and 'relationship', then there would be no hard/hurtful/bitter feelings where people can let go the relationship in peace, one won't see oneself as 'a victim of the unfaithfulness/betrayal of the partner in a broken relationship' or 'a victim of the intrusion of the lover of one's partner that causes my relationship to be broken'. And there's no blame or condemn towards the partner and the lover that they should be guilty for being 'the selfish bad people that cause this relationship to be broken/damaged'.

This is really nothing to do with whether the partner and his/her lover in the love affair/relationship are being 'selfish', 'unfaithful', 'disloyal', 'immoral', 'bad' and 'wrong', or not. It's about how oneself thinks, understands, feels and reacts being in such situation, where one's partner is involved in a love affair/relationship with another person.

If a person would commit in a love affair/relationship with another person other than the one in a relationship with oneself, whether wittingly or unwittingly, it indicates that this person doesn't really 'love' the partner. He/she loves it's desire for satisfaction. When he/she is not satisfied with his/her partner, when he/she is not getting what it desires/expects from the partner, he/she will be looking for something/someone else to gratify its desire for satisfaction, love, passion, pleasure, interaction, or lust. And that's common 'human's nature', or the normal behavior of the untrained minds under the influence of desires.

Everyone has the rights or freedom whether they want to love anyone, or don't want to love anyone, or stop loving someone, or having too much 'feeling of love' that needs to be shared with many people at the same time, or want to be in many different love affairs/relationships at one time, or whether they are satisfied/dissatisfied being in a 'committed' relationship with somebody.

If one truly loves the partner in the relationship with oneself, one will love this person as he/she is, even if the partner doesn't love oneself, or stop loving oneself, or being 'the god/goddess of love' who needs to 'love' as many people as possible. One doesn't need to be in a relationship with this person, to possess this person to be mine. One doesn't expect this person to be faithful and loyal, or expect the love from this person doesn't change, or won't disappear, or 'should be for me only'. One allows this person to have or don't have the 'feeling of love' for oneself, or stop loving oneself, or doesn't love oneself, or prefer to love and be with someone else. One can let go the person that doesn't love oneself, or let go a relationship that doesn't have 'love' or couldn't continue, in peace, and allow this person to love and be with other people that he/she loves.

One won't feel hurt/disappointed/angry towards the partner who doesn't love oneself or towards the relationship that is not the way that how most people would like it to be. Because if the partner loves oneself, then there's no need any expectation from oneself, without the sense of obligation to be committed and be faithful in a relationship with oneself, but out of loving kindness towards oneself, he/she will have self-control and decency, where he/she will not do anything that would cause 'hurts' or 'damages' to oneself or this relationship, not even behind one's knowledge, regardless of whether there's the 'feeling of love' existing, or not. One would know how to 'keep a respectful distance' with others who have the tendency to 'fall in love' with oneself, as one doesn't need to look for satisfaction in 'love affairs/relationships'.

One cannot expect 'love' from anyone, but allowing others whether to 'love' oneself, or not. One cannot expect how other people should love oneself or behave in a relationship, but allowing others to love us the way as they are. There's no such thing as "Once you love me and being in a 'committed' relationship with me, you will have to be forever faithful and loyal to me, and loving me only." And if, one realizes that the partner doesn't love oneself, one can choose to continue or let go the relationship, in peace, without bitterness. There's neither right nor wrong, either way.

There's even no need of 'forgiveness', if one truly loves the partner as he/she is, even if the partner is being unfaithful, as one is undisturbed/unhurt by the partner's 'unfaithfulness' at all, but would let go of him/her and the relationship. One doesn't feel bad about oneself or thinking that one is not good enough, if the partner doesn't love oneself, if one knows love.

Unfortunately, many people couldn't let go in peace, and be disturbed by hard/hurtful/bitter/angry feelings that doesn't help to make things better, and might do things that hurt oneself or the partner and the people whom the partner loves.

There's nothing wrong if one realizes that oneself doesn't love the partner, and one should be honest and straightforward to let this person knows that "I don't love you." or "I don't feel love for you." or "I don't want to be with you in a relationship." or "I want to be with someone else." This honesty won't hurt, if people are matured enough to understand 'love' and 'relationship'. But it would cause deeper 'hurts/disappointment/anger/hatred' by being untruthful to oneself and the partner, pretending that one loves the partner very much, but in truth, one doesn't love the partner, and one won't be satisfied being with that partner, and would try to find satisfaction in some other love affairs/relationships with other lovers. People who are matured enough would let go the person whom they love very much to be with the people whom this person loves, in peace. That's love.

When two people don't hurt one another out of dissatisfaction/disappointment/anger/hurts, then even though there's no 'feeling of love' from one or both of them, or they are not in a relationship, that's love. Where/what is love, if one or two people keep hurting each other out of feeling of hurts/anger/disappointment being in a relationship that is not the way that they like it to be?

If people are not matured enough to accept 'honesty' or 'the truth' in peace, when people whom they think they love very much are being honest and straightforward telling them that "I don't love you." or "I don't want to be in a relationship with you." or "I want to love and be with someone else.", then it's their own responsibility if they don't like that honesty or the truth, and react with feeling hurt/disappointed/angry for losing what they like and want, or not getting what they like and want, but getting what they don't like and don't want. And this relationship won't be peaceful and harmony anyway, even if they continue to be in a relationship, because they don't really love whom they think they love very much. There will be lots of 'tension' and 'unhappiness' derived from 'ungratified desires' and 'expectation' in this relationship all the time.

Be free, to love or be loved, or not.

Untrained mind is being conditioned by remembrance of past experiences

The untrained minds are being conditioned and determined by the remembrance of the past desirable and undesirable, pleasant and unpleasant, happy and unhappy, or good and bad experiences to think, behave, desire, act and react in the present moment now, constantly missing and longing towards the past experiences that were desirable, pleasant, happy or good, while continuously being disturbed by the past experiences that were undesirable, unpleasant, unhappy or bad, influencing the relationships and interactions with the others in the present, as well as projecting/anticipating into the future longing for experiencing the similar desirable, pleasant, happy and good experiences, while rejecting towards experiencing the similar undesirable, unpleasant, unhappy and bad experiences, full of tension and anxiety derived from aversion and defensiveness or self-protection.

It's not about trying to erase or forget all the past memories of all kinds of pleasant/unpleasant experiences, but it's about the ability of being unattached towards all the past desirable/undesirable experiences and live in the present without being conditioned or determined by the past happy/unhappy experiences influencing one's relationships and interactions with other beings in the present, being free from missing and craving towards something 'nice' that doesn't exist in the present, being free from fear and aversion towards something 'not nice' whether it's existing or non-existing in the present.

Many people who have been through broken relationships in the past, and are continuously being affected and disturbed by the past undesirable/unpleasant/unhappy/bad experiences of the broken relationships, will more or less be determined by the past experiences to influence how one thinks, behaves, desires, acts and reacts in the new relationship with somebody else in the present, full of tension and anxiety being over-powered by defensiveness/self-protection being in the new relationship. Oneself is not peaceful while generating unnecessary tension into the new relationship, for being unable to be relaxed and immersed into the new relationship with some other people in the present even when other people are being genuine and loving towards oneself. There's no peace in this kind of relationship where one or both party is being conditioned or determined by the past undesirable relationship with some other people.

There's this thinking in the mind, "Oh, I am a victim of other people's selfish unloving and wrongful behavior. I was so nice and loving to the person in the relationship with me, but this is what I got in return. I am ill-treated. I am hurt. I am broken. I am vulnerable. That's why I feel like this and behave like this. I deserved sympathy and empathy and loving kindness from other people. I need to learn how to protect myself from being hurt again." This mind is not free, even though there might be many people think and believe that by showing sympathy and empathy and loving kindness towards this 'suffering' mind will relieve the pain in this mind, and this mind might feel 'better' and 'loved by others' via receiving sympathy and empathy and loving kindness from others, but it doesn't take away the ignorance in this mind, unless the mind starts to see the truth of what is going on in the mind.

Some minds also try to redeem what they think they deserved in return for all their love and sacrifices that they had put out in their past broken relationship while being in the new relationship with somebody else. Some minds even redirect their frustration and anger that they had been accumulated from their past broken relationship towards the person in the present relationship with them.

Be free.

Freedom in all kind of relationships

Some minds are troubled/disturbed by the existence of relationships that are not the way that they would like it to be, and some minds are troubled/disturbed by the past relationships that were not the way that they liked it to be, while some minds are troubled/disturbed by the absence of relationships that they would like to have. The ever-restless clinging mind is always looking forward for 'something' that isn't here, or a 'reality' that is not what it is in the present. There's nothing wrong with that, as it is the nature of the impure egoistic mind, just that the mind is not free.

The minds that don't know and the ones who think they know but they don't really know what is going on in the mind of attachment and non-attachment, there is no peace or freedom regardless of whether they have a few or many relationships, or don't have any relationships. The minds are being determined by the existence and non-existence of relationships, the quality of the relationships and the impermanent changes of the relationships. The minds are not being in the present, being determined or disturbed by the past pleasant and unpleasant experiences/memories and future anticipations/non-anticipations, as well as being determined by the perceived reality in the present.

The minds that attached onto worldly passionate thinking and belief in search for the sense of self-esteem, confidence, fulfillment, happiness and meaningfulness in the qualities of names and forms or relationships are not free from the impure modifications/reactions of the mind perception of dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hurts, regret, guilt, loneliness, boredom, meaninglessness, fear, worry, grief, painful sorrow and suffering, and be disturbed upon coming in contact with the names and forms or relationships that are not the way that the minds like, agree with and desire.

The minds that know what is going on in the mind of attachment and non-attachment, they are peaceful and free as it is, regardless of whether they have a few or many relationships, or don't have any relationships. They are not determined by the existence and non-existence of relationships, the quality of the relationships, or the impermanent changes of the relationships. The minds are being in the present without being determined or disturbed by the past pleasant and unpleasant experiences/memories and future anticipations/non-anticipations, and being undetermined by the perceived reality in the present.

They love, unconditionally/compassionately. They don't fall in/out love. They love all and everything as they are, as it is, without expecting or interfering with all and everything have to be in certain ways.

They are free to give, or not. And when they give, they give their best within their ability and capacity of what is possible and available in the present, without attachment towards the actions or the fruit of actions, being free from discrimination, identification, intention, expectation, greed, possessiveness, clinging, craving and aversion, and allowing others whether to accept, receive, appreciate and be thankful towards what they give, or not, and thus being free from dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hurts, regret, guilt, loneliness, boredom, meaninglessness, fear, worry, grief, painful sorrow and suffering, and be undisturbed upon coming in contact with the names and forms or relationships that are not necessarily the way that most mind would like, agree with and desire.

There's no judgment and expectation towards others for how others think, believe, behave, act and react, desire and don't desire. There's no 'should' or 'shouldn't'. There's only actions and the consequences of actions.

All kinds of violence/conflicts start from "Desire of expecting, interfering, changing, controlling, over-powering and oppressing others' thinking, beliefs, behaviors, actions and reactions to be the way that 'I' think and believe it should be."

There's neither right nor wrong when the dispassionate minds don't perceive sadness or grief towards the dead ones while the passionate minds perceive sadness and grief towards the dead ones. It's just the different modifications of mind perception/reactions functioning either under the influence of ignorance, or free from ignorance.

These dispassionate attachment-free minds are being perceived by the worldly passionate minds, including many of the 'yoga practitioners' and 'yoga teachers' in the world as 'wrong', 'negative', 'heartless', 'feelingless', 'cold', 'selfish', 'self-centered', 'uncaring', 'unloving', 'unsympathetic', 'inhuman', 'madness', 'weird', 'abnormal', and so on. All these judgments/labels derived from the worldly passionate minds don't affect or disturb the dispassionate minds being peaceful and free as it is. It's everyone's freedom for how they perceive, act and react, judge and expect, or seeing what they want/like to see and not seeing what they don't want/like to see.

"How can a 'normal' human being don't feel sad or grieve for the death of another being, especially someone who loved you and whom you love and related to you dearly? It's so wrong and inhuman."

Indeed, that's how most minds think, believe, behave, act and react - 'Normal' human beings should behave, act and react in 'certain ways' and shouldn't behave, act and react in 'certain ways' based on the worldly thinking and belief about what is 'right and wrong', 'should and shouldn't'.

For the minds that know, there's nothing 'wrong' with all the different kind of mind perceptions, way of thinking, belief and disbelief, behavior, actions and reactions. It's just the minds that don't know what is going on in the mind, they are functioning under the influence of ignorance, while being ignorant towards ignorance, and thus, being disturbed by the modifications of the mind perception/reaction towards all the perceived agreeable/disagreeable names and forms, and all kinds of dissatisfaction, disturbance, hurts, restlessness and suffering arise in the mind. There is a desire/need of receiving kindness, interaction, understanding, acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgment, and there's perception/reaction of hurts and the desire/need to be healed from hurts.

It's like when the ignorant mind experiencing something that it perceives/recognizes as 'hurtful' and 'wrongful', it feels hurt and angry about something, and there's a desire/need to be healed from 'hurts' and 'anger'. But when the mind sees the truth of 'hurt' and 'anger', being free from ignorance, the mind no longer perceives/feels hurt or angry about anything. There's no desire/need to be healed from anything.

Be free.

Seeing the truth of all relationships with beings and things

All kinds of relationship with beings and things don't exist to the minds that are free from ignorance and egoism.

All kinds of relationship/connection between 'I' and other beings and things exist due to the perception of separateness out of ignorance and egoism.

Upon the realization of non-separateness/oneness, being free from ignorance and egoism, there's neither 'I' nor 'I' am being separated/different from something that is not 'I', and hence, there's no 'I' and something that is separated/different from 'I' being connected in a form of relationship.

There's neither being in certain relationships nor not being in any relationship.

There's neither good relationship nor bad relationship.

There's neither craving towards 'good relationships' nor aversion towards 'bad relationships'.

Upon seeing the truth of all kinds of 'relationship' with all beings and things, the mind is free from all kinds of suffering/affliction/painful sorrow/fear/worry derived from attachment/identification/clinging/craving/aversion towards all kinds of beings and things.

'Relationship' and the attachment/identification/values/meaningfulness/gratefulness/appreciation towards good relationships with family, friends and relatives, and other form of beings and things exist in the minds that are under the influence of ignorance and egoism.

It's very difficult for the minds to see the truth when there is intense attachment/identification/clinging/craving/aversion towards the existence or absence of all kinds of good and bad relationship with different form of beings and things that the mind likes and dislikes, agrees with and disagrees with, and desires and doesn't desire. These minds sway restlessly and ceaselessly between happiness/joy/meaningfulness and unhappiness/painful sorrow/meaninglessness, being determined by the existence or absence of desirable and undesirable 'relationships' with all beings and things.

The body and mind that was born into a 'family' and a living environment with many kinds of difficulty, challenge and suffering, and be surrounded by 'friends' and 'relatives' that are under the influence of ignorance and egoism, is considered 'a good and auspicious transition' on the path of yoga, that helps this mind to be determined and undistracted towards transcending the mind perception/modification of impermanent and selfless worldly life existence of names and forms.

When the mind is still under the influence of ignorance and egoism, this kind of difficult/challenging/disharmony 'relationships' with 'family', 'friends' and 'relatives' are being perceived as the cause of 'suffering' for this mind. The mind falls into a state of bitterness/dissatisfaction/disappointment/meaninglessness/depression/anger.

When this mind is free from ignorance and egoism, this kind of difficult/challenging/disharmony 'relationships' with 'family', 'friends' and 'relatives' are indeed 'the teachings', 'the Dharma', 'the teacher' and 'the stepping stones' that lead the mind towards liberation. There's no bitterness/dissatisfaction/disappointment/meaninglessness/depression/anger exists in this mind.

Most minds forgo the path of dispassion and renunciation to silent/annihilate the modification of the mind to transcend impermanent and selfless worldly life existence due to attachment/identification/clinging onto and appreciating/indulging in good/harmonious/desirable 'relationships' with 'family', 'friends' and 'relatives' as well as other beings and things that are impermanent. And that's their freedom for what they think and feel and desire.

The dispassionate minds see the truth of all kind of 'good or bad relationships', and be free.

When there's doubt whether in the yoga asana practice or in life

When there's doubt whether in the yoga asana practice or in life, especially in relationships, we learn to take responsibility to make decision for ourselves, either we go beyond the doubt and endure whatever difficulty or challenge that we think we are dealing with, and make some adjustments to adapt and accommodate whatever difficulty or discomfort, proceed with what we want to venture, or, if we think we can't go beyond the doubt, we can let go what we would like to do or have, without regret or guilt towards the decision that we made, no matter what is the outcome or consequences of our decision made.

When we attempt to perform certain yoga asana poses that we are not familiar with and there's doubt towards our physical ability or fear of the risk of injury, we learn to take the responsibility to make decision for ourselves, either we go beyond that doubt and proceed with the attempt to perform the yoga poses without tension or fear or struggle or pushing the body beyond its limitation, especially when the body is capable and is ready to do the poses, but the mind has doubt and fear, and it doesn't matter if we still can't do the yoga poses after we have tried our best, or if we think we can't go beyond that doubt, we think and believe that our body is not capable or is not ready to do the poses, we can let go of trying to perform those yoga poses in this practice session. There's no regret afterwards towards the decision that we made for ourselves.

It's really not important whether we can perform all the yoga poses, or not. It's about learning how to deal with fear and doubt while we perform the yoga asana poses. It's okay if we can't go beyond the fear or doubt in this present, but we can try again in the next practice, or the next next practice, it doesn't matter if one day finally we can perform the yoga poses without fear or doubt, or we still can't do them even after many attempts for many years. It's really not important and it has nothing to do with the realization of unconditional love and peace.

It's the same as in life situations, especially in relationships. When there's doubt in a relationship and we are not sure whether we want to continue to be in the relationship, or not, we can either go beyond the doubt and do our best to develop unconditional love, patience, tolerance, acceptance, adjustment, adaptation and accommodation to over-come whatever difficulties that we think we are encountering in a relationship, or if we think we can't go beyond the doubt, if we think we can't have the unconditional love, patience, tolerance, acceptance, adjustment, adaptation and accommodation to continue the relationship that is challenging for one or both parties, we can just let go of the relationship, even though we think we love the person in the relationship with us, as loving someone doesn't mean that we have to be in a relationship with that person, to 'keep' the love, the person and the relationship to be mine and ours.

Sometimes we have to let go a relationship out of love, real love. As loving each other doesn't necessarily mean that two people are suitable to be sharing a life together in a relationship or living together under the same roof.

It's okay if we are aware that we are not as loving or kind as what we would like us to be. We don't have to love anyone, because most of the time, we don't even love ourselves, we only love what we like and what we want. And it's okay if we don't love anyone or ourselves, as long as we are aware of it. It's okay if we realize we don't really love the person in the existing relationship with us. And it would be better to be aware of "I don't love you" than to think or believe that "I love you", but at the same time "I'll do and say things that would hurt you and our relationship, because I don't really love you, but I only love what I like and what I want. And I am unhappy or feel disappointed, angry and hurt when I don't get what I like and what I want in this relationship with you."

There's neither regret nor guilt, once we made a decision and we take the responsibility for the consequences of our decision made.

Some people do not want to make decision for themselves and ask other people to give them advice and make the decision for them, so that, if the consequences of the decision made turn out to be good, everyone will be happy, and if the consequences of the decision made turn out to be bad, they can blame other people for it.

Be free.

The power or function of memory is neither good nor bad

Most people, are interested in boosting the power or function of the memory. So that one can remember as much as possible all the knowledge and skills that one has been learning, to do things, to remember everyone and everything that one has come in contact with from the past to the present. Otherwise, for most people, there's no meanings or values in life existence, if one doesn't remember any knowledge or skills that one has been learning and doesn't remember the people/relationships that one has come in contact with and are related to. They want to remember 'love' and 'happiness' and 'goodness' and 'achievements'. People want to remember everyone and everything, and be remembered by others, to be existing, to be meaningful, to be alive.

Meanwhile some people try their very best to forget all those unpleasant/unhappy/painful/hurtful memories that are disturbing and hurting them in the present now.

This power or function of memory is neither good nor bad. It has its benefits to humanity and some defects as well.

If a mind is free from ignorance and egoism, this mind can make use of the power of memory to remember all its learning and knowledge or skills to be doing something that would benefit oneself and others without attachment, identification, judgment, or expectation. One will not have craving or aversion towards the past pleasant/unpleasant experiences/feelings, and will not be disturbed or determined by being aware of the memory of all these past pleasant/unpleasant experiences/feelings, in the present now. There's no judgment or expectation towards oneself or others based on the past pleasant/unpleasant experiences/feelings. There's no suffering or miseries exist in this egoless mind.

Due to ignorance, the ego clings onto the past memories of pleasant/happy and unpleasant/unhappy experiences/feelings.

When remembering the pleasant/happy/accomplishing/satisfying experiences/feelings that are already gone and don't exist in the present, there is suffering/unrest/dissatisfaction derived from missing and craving towards all those pleasant experiences/feelings.

When remembering the unpleasant/unhappy/painful/hurtful/fearful/regretful/guilty/disappointing/dissatisfying experiences/feelings, that are already gone and don't exist in the present, there is suffering/unrest/unhappiness/painful sorrow/hurts/fear/regret/guilt/disappointment/dissatisfaction derived from aversion towards all those unpleasant experiences/feelings, continuously be disturbed or determined by all those unpleasant experiences/feelings, which is unnecessary.

And due to ignorance, people don't just want to have a good and highly efficient function of the memory to remember the past of this life existence from birth till the present which one could barely remember a little bit of here and there without the precise/exact details, there are also many people who 'believe' in various/countless past lives before this life existence, and they are not just very interested in knowing/finding out what were their past lives, but they are also be disturbed or determined by what they think they know about their past lives. And not just that, they also very interested in knowing/finding out what will be their future lives, and be disturbed or determined by what they think they know about their future lives.

When people are dissatisfied with and don't want to confront the reality that they perceive in the present, they try to runaway from this reality that they don't like and don't want, by imagining they have a better/nicer/happier reality in the past or in the future, being in an imaginary reality that they prefer, that they created for themselves, and somehow they might feel better and safer being in that imaginary reality. That's their freedom.

People's minds are already very busy/restless being disturbed and determined by the perceived experiences in the present now, not to say, to also be disturbed and determined by the past memories and the future imagination/anticipation/projection/expectation/speculation. "This is who I was and this is what I am and this is what I will be."

People are being disturbed and determined mentally/emotionally/physically by the ignorant/egoistic attachment and identification towards the desires of craving and aversion, judgment and expectation towards all the perceived names and forms or experiences, whether it's in the present, or remembering the past, or imagining the future.

Maybe people's life in the present is not complicated/excited/busy enough, life is so dulled and bored, that's why people try very best to bring back the past and project into the future, to spice up their life in the present?

So, if past lives exist, and someone somehow 'recalls' some good/pleasant/joyful/meaningful and bad/unpleasant/hurtful/painful/fearful memories of one's past lives, and then so what? Missing the past pleasant past lives experiences and people whom one loved very much in past lives? What if one finds out that the people whom one loved very much in past lives are now one's greatest enemies whom one hates and hurts very much in the present? Or be disturbed by the past unpleasant past lives experiences and people whom had hurt one very much in past lives? What if one finds out that the people whom had hurt one very much in past lives are now one's best friend or lover or family or respected personal whom one loves very much in the present?

It's truly unnecessary.

And so, when one truly realized the truth of what is going on in this mind, and goes beyond all the memories of past pleasant/unpleasant, or rightful/wrongful, or good/bad experiences/feelings, being free from attachment and identification with the past, the last moment and before, then there will be complete freedom in all the relationships with everyone now, in the present, it really doesn't matter what happened just now, or yesterday, or last week, or last month, or last year, or last 20 years. It's only the present moment. And even this present moment is impermanent. And this is actual lasting liberation that comes from the realization of the truth, it's not the same as the momentary 'high effect' of numbing the mind through drugs and alcohol intoxication.

People, including some yoga and meditation practitioners, who like to relate YOGA and MEDITATION or HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS with getting high through drugs and alcohol intoxication, are only trying to momentary escape/runaway from suffering or miseries that they don't want. They'll go back to their suffering and miseries again, once the numbing effect of the drugs and alcohol disappeared. That's their freedom for what they want to do with their body and their mind. It's neither right nor wrong. But, yoga and meditation or higher consciousness has nothing to do with getting high through drugs and alcohol intoxication. People who truly practice yoga and meditation and have gone beyond the attachment or identification with the life existence of the body and the mind don't need to get high or momentary relief by taking drugs or alcohol, as they don't need to escape or runaway from suffering or miseries, as there's none. There's no craving for the momentary pleasant sensations/effects/relieves coming from the effect of drugs and alcohol.

If people couldn't understand this, or one understood this, but one dislikes and disagrees with and doesn't want this liberation due to the mind is conditioned to think in certain ways or believe in certain beliefs, or one understood this, but one couldn't let go attachment and identification, that's their freedom.

It's okay whether the power or function of memory is good or not so good. It's okay if the mind couldn't remember this or that. It's okay if the mind couldn't remember everything and everyone as it was and as it is. It's okay if the mind remembers some past unpleasant/unhappy experiences or feelings. It's okay if the mind couldn't remember some past pleasant/happy experiences or feelings. It's okay if the mind couldn't remember someone who is somehow related to this body and this mind.

Be free.

The relationship between the parents and the children

This article is about the relationship between the parents and the children in 'conventional' family affairs/relationships. It's not about sensitive cases involve 'unconventional' single parenting out of sexual abuse and rape.

Before two people in a love relationship want to create/bring in new lives/beings/children to form a family, they need to know what is love. Real love. Unconditional love. If not, it is the main factor why there are conflicts/unhappiness/affliction exist in many families which create broken children growing up into broken relationships/family of their own.

When the parents create/bring a new life/being into the world, they never, and couldn't ask the permission/consent of this being for creating this life and bringing this being into the world, as this life/being didn't exist until the parents had created this life/being whether through sexual intercourse or higher technology, whether intentionally or unintentionally, whether wittingly or unwittingly. Children are being born without their own free will or consent, but unwittingly out of the parents' desire to have children, or out of both or one of the parents' act of lust even though they have no desire to have any children. And yet, many parents think and believe that these beings/children belong to them, where they think that they have the authority on the children about how they want to treat and bring up the children and whether they will love and care for them, or not. The parents also think that children are born with the obligation, duty and responsibility towards their parents and all the other family members.

There are many parents don't have any intention to have children, but the child is conceived accidentally out of their act of lust, and these children are 'unwelcome' in their life/relationship. Maybe some parents might change their minds to 'welcome' the child into their life/relationships, and will love and care for the child, but some parents might 'perceive' the child as a 'burden' to their life/relationship, and they don't love or care for the child. Some even abandon the child to their relatives, or children homes, or on the streets. Maybe the abandon child will get love and care from some other people, maybe not. Meanwhile, some didn't abandon the 'unwelcome' child, but they don't love the child at all and this generates great damages to the child's overall well-being. The parents don't see that it's their own responsibility for conceiving the child out of their act of lust whether wittingly or unwittingly, and yet, they blame the existence of the child for 'giving' them 'problems'.

Most parents who intentionally and wittingly to create lives/children to form a family think and believe that it is because of love. Two people love each other and want to create children/family that 'belong' to both of them, that they share together. Some parents create/bring in children to build a stronger connection/relationship/bond between the two of them, or as fuel to keep their relationship alive. This is a complete selfish desire to have children, but people don't see it as selfishness. Children are being born because the parents want to gratified their desire to have children to form a family to be the connection/bonding medium for their relationship.

Some parents do 'love' their children unconditionally, but some might not realize that their desire to have children is selfishness, and their 'love' towards their children is conditional/possessive love that comes with great expectation/condition. Some don't even have the love, patience, effort and time to 'nurture' and 'look after' a child, but just because they have the basic instinct/desire to be a mother or a father, and so, they produce children.

Many parents don't realize that there are hidden selfish intentions/conditions in bringing/creating new lives into their relationship/family. Many parents expect something in return by creating/bringing in children onto their life/relationship. They think that by having children it will 'bring' joy and happiness into their life. They think that by having children it will give them meaningfulness in life or take away their loneliness/boredom. They think that by having children it will 'keep' their marriage/relationship to stay alive and connected. They think that by having children, they will grow up to bring back money to support their life. They think that by having children, the children will look after them when they are old or sick. They think that by having children, they will be loved. They think that by having children, it will make their life or relationship complete. They think that by having children, it will make them become a real man and a complete woman.

There are many people get married merely to form a family life and reproduce, which they think it's a 'solution' or 'investment' for them to deal with unhappy relationship/marriage, loneliness, emptiness, old age and sickness.

Many parents have expectation towards their children that the children have to love and care for the parents in return for the love and care that the parents have been giving to their children. They expect/think that all children 'are obliged to' or 'should naturally' show love and care to their parents as it is the duty and responsibility of the children towards their parents. The children should appreciate and be grateful and thankful to their parents for bringing them into the world, feed them and nurture them, and so, all children should show gratitude by giving their love and care to their parents in return. This is conditional love / selfish love / possessive love. And when they think their children don't love and care for them, or don't love and care for them enough, they feel disappointed and hurt. They are disappointed and hurt by their own expectation towards the idea of having children. They don't love their children. They love what they think they can get from having children.

Either they feel sad about their children unloving behavior, or they feel bad and sorry for themselves for being unloved by their own children, or they feel disappointed, hurt and angry with their children for not loving them or care for them after they have been showing lots of love and care to bring their children up, or after they have invested so much 'time', 'effort', 'money' and 'love' for the children's upbringing, welfare and education.

It's common and natural that the parents would feel disappointed or hurt or angry if their children don't love them or don't love them enough, but then know that this is because these parents don't really love their children, but they only love what they think they should be receiving from having a family life by having children. And thus, when they don't get what they think they should be getting from creating/having a family, they react in such way.

If the parents truly love their children, they will love their children as they are and won't be disappointed or upset or feel hurt, even if the children are not good to their parents or don't love their parents, or don't behave the way that what people think all 'good' children should behave, or if they think their children didn't carry out the duty and responsibility of being the children of their parents. People feel disappointed, hurt and upset in children/family affairs is because they think they love their children/family but they don't really know what is love or how to love. This is absolutely nothing to do with how the children treat their parents, or whether the children are being good and loving to their parents, or not.

It's normal for the parents to show love and care for their children, but many don't realize that they have great expectation towards their children to be the type of people that they would like them to be, that the children are obliged to listen to and follow all their commands/wishes, and they must show love and care in return for the parents' love and care for them.

When the parents want to be recognized as 'good parents', 'good father' and 'good mother', they put so much pressure onto the children to make sure they grow up to be 'successful' people that will make their parents, friends and relatives feel proud of. The parents feel proud of themselves to be able to produce and bring up children that appear to be 'somebody' that they feel proud of. Or else, they are frustrated/disappointed with themselves and their children as they couldn't produce and bring up children to be 'somebody' that would make them feel proud of. Meanwhile, the children grow up becoming people who keep looking for acknowledgement from other people, to make people feel proud of them, to feel "I am good enough" in order to feel confident, meaningful, and being loved. Or else, they feel disappointed/depressed about themselves for unable to be 'good enough' to make their parents or other people to feel proud of. And this affects their relationship with everyone else. These are the 'values' that were passing down from generations to generations of what a family means and what to expect from creating a family.

If the children are born out of real love, where the parents have the unconditional love and knowledge of life to give to another life/being unconditionally, then the parents wouldn't think/expect that their children are born with the duty and responsibility as children towards their parents and all the other family members, that the children are obliged to love and look after their parents and all the other members in the family. The parents will just do their best to nurture the children, teach them to love and look after themselves, until the children are independent, they'll let them go and allow the children to evolve to be what they are. As well as the children shouldn't be taught or feel that it's a duty and responsibility for being the children of their parents and being one of the family members, that they are obliged to give something back in return and to love and look after their parents and the rest of the family members. But, out of everyone's own free will, out of unconditional love, out of compassion, everyone do their best to be kind to oneself and each other, to love and look after oneself and one another without expecting anything in return. There's no disappointment, hurt, anger, bitterness or unhappiness. Everyone loves and accepts one another as they are.

It's not because it's an obligation, duty and responsibility, that's why the children 'have to' love and look after the parents and the other family members. It's not because of gratitude towards the parents' love and care for them, that's why the children 'have to' love and care for the parents in return. It's even without obligation, duty or responsibility, a being can show love and care for other beings. It's even other beings don't show love and care for a being, this being can still be loving and kind towards other beings.

May all families have peace and harmony, being free from suffering/affliction/unhappiness that derived from ignorance and egoism of attachment, identification, desires and expectation.

Treat others the way that how we would like to be treated?

"Treat others the way that how we would like to be treated?"

Though this is a good and positive thinking we hear very often from here and there, but we are not free, as we still have expectation towards how others should treat us the way we would like to be treated in return. We will be very disappointed if after we treat others the way that we would also like to be treated the same by them, but they don't. And most of the time, they don't.

Even when we think we have shown lots of love and cares to another being, it's not necessarily that this being will treat us the way how we treat them, or how we would like to be treated in return. 

Be free. Just be ourselves. And let others to treat us the way that they want to treat us. It's their freedom of thinking, action and speech.

We can only appreciate if others treat us the way we like them to treat us, and if they don't, let them be.

Om shanti.

Anger and hatred in love relationship?

Some people came to this blog with the search word "Anger and hatred in love relationship"

If someone feels very unhappy, disturbed, or depressed being in a relationship, and has anger and hatred towards the partner by blaming his or her partner as the one who is responsible for his or her unhappiness, constantly thinking and believing that his or her partner doesn't love or care for him or her, or is being abusive towards him or her, at the same time, out of anger and hatred, he or she is constantly bitching about his or her partner to his or her friends, then there is something not quite right in this relationship.

If the partner is truly so bad and nasty, this person has a choice to step out from this relationship, move on and be free from all the unhappiness for being in that relationship with that partner. But then if this person tells himself or herself and other people, that he or she 'loves' the partner very much, and doesn't want to let this relationship go, then there is something really not right here with this relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being angry towards something that we don't agree with, don't like and don't want, but there's something not right if we have persistent anger, hatred and fear towards the person who is in the relationship with us, and we need to bitch about our partner. How can we say we love our partner very much when we bitch about him or her out of anger and hatred? This is not because our partner doesn't love us. But we don't really love ourselves and neither do we love our partner. We are unhappy, angry and hating is because we couldn't get the relationship the way that we want it to be, and we couldn't get our partner to behave and treat us the way that we like it to be. We didn't get what we like and want, but we are getting something that we don't like and don't want from being in the relationship. It's all about my desires, my happiness, my satisfaction, what I like and what I want.

It's like, "I love this relationship because it gives me certain things that I want, and I don't want to let it go. I also hate this relationship because I couldn't get some other things that I want for being in this relationship."

If the partner is truly so bad, doesn't love or care for us, and being in the relationship is so unhappy and disharmony for us, but for some reasons, out of personal interests or desires, we still want to be in that relationship or being reluctant to let go of the relationship, it shows that there is a problem, but it is not with the partner, it is with us.

Move on. If truly our partner doesn't love us, and is abusing and hurting us whether physically, or mentally, or emotionally. It's meaningless to continue to be in such relationship.

Move on. If life is so miserable by having this relationship, or life can be happier without this relationship.

If we realized that it is our own responsibility, and we think we love our partner, and we still want to be in the relationship, then we need to work on ourselves, learn how to love and accept ourselves as we are, without expecting the relationship or our partner to fulfill our desires.

Be happy.

Know our minds...

The mind never showed interest in something that was always there until the moment it sees, or found certain qualities that it likes, or admires, or attracted to, which directly or indirectly existing along with that particular thing, it starts to show great interest in that thing.

Just like in any kind of relationships among people, including friendships. We never showed interest in some people whom we know for a long time, until the moment we start to see, or found certain qualities that we like and interested in, which directly or indirectly existing along with these people, and then we start to show interest in these people.

This indicates that we don't really like or interested in these people as they are, nor interested in these people for being who they were in the past, or who they are in the present moment, but we only like and interested in some qualities that we like, and which drawn our mind's attention and interest.

Look within, and rest in our very own nature of unconditional love and peace. Love all beings as they are, be free from craving, longing, attachment, possessiveness, projection and expectation. We will never feel disappointed and hurt, or be disappointed and hurt by anyone or anything, when we start to understand how the mind works.

Only those minds that are free from ignorance and egoism know how to love others and be loved by others as it is unconditionally, in any relationships. All the others are just loving their own desires for what they like and want, selfishly...

Be happy.

Impermanence...

Impermanence is the permanent truth of everything with all the qualities of names and forms.

Whenever somebody talks to me about this or that person is very nice, or this or that person is not good, usually I'll just listen, with no comment. Or my reply is, it's not necessarily. Everyone is just being what they are in the present moment. They aren't nice or not nice, good or not good, happy or unhappy. All these impermanent states of mind are not who they really are.

How we think and feel about others, is coming our own mind reacts towards what it perceives through the senses, based on what it likes and dislikes, agrees and disagrees with. Most of the time other people have no intention to be 'not nice' to us, but our own mind perceives it as a 'not nice' treatment from other people, because we expect other people to treat us in certain ways that we like other people to treat us, or we expect other people should treat us the way that we think they should treat us. When we don't receive what we think we should be receiving, our mind is not happy, or dissatisfied and angry.

I am aware that sometimes people may appear to be nice and sometimes may appear to be not so nice, and it's fine. Even if that person is a 'saint' or highly respected person, everyone is allowed to be nice or not nice, or behave differently from time to time. As I have no expectation towards other people how they should be like.

I seldom ask people who they are, where they come from, what they did in the past, what they do for living, and what they want to do in the future, as all these names and forms are not important, because I only see everyone as they are, in the present moment. And even how they are in this present moment now, is also impermanent.

I do not 'fall in love' with anyone who appears to be very nice, nor do I get unhappy with anyone who appears to be not nice, nor do I get disappointed or unhappy when the people who used to be nice, but now appear to be not nice. As I have no attachment nor expectation towards anyone or anything.

I just do my best to be friendly and nice to all and everyone without discrimination of different names and forms. I have no interest in accumulating personal social friendships. But I do my best to be a universal friend to all and everyone.

I see everyone as universal friends, even though there are people who dislike me and disagree with me. They are free to dislike and disagree with me. They are allowed to reject or ignore my friendliness. I still can be friendly and be nice to everyone even if I am not 'their' friend.

If people want to be nice and friendly to me without any expectation, I appreciate and be grateful.

Some people might get offended if they want to be friend with somebody, but that person has no interest to be friend with them. People get offended is because they expect that if they are nice to other people, then other people should also be nice to them, and they don't really want to be friend to other people, but they just want other people to be 'their' friend. And when this desire is not being gratified, they are not happy. Just like when some people fall in love with another person, and they have the desire to be with that person, hoping that person will also love them in return and have a love relationship with them. And if this desire is not being gratified, they will feel so unhappy.

If some people want to create problems, I'll just move away.

Whenever somebody told us that we are so lucky to be living in Langkawi and our yoga studio is so lovely and it's such a very nice place to practice yoga and meditation, I told them that even this lovely yoga studio that everyone loves so much is also impermanent. Someday sooner or later, this yoga studio will not be available. And it's fine. I just appreciate the present moment that it is still available for teaching yoga, for now.

It is fine whether I live in Langkawi or in Malaysia, or not. It is fine whether I am teaching yoga or not.

May all be happy.

Om shanti.

Love vs possessiveness

When we tell somebody, "I love you..."
Do we really love this person? Or we love the qualities in this person that we like and agree with? Or we love what we like and want from this person?

And when we tell this person whom we love, "I want to be in a relationship with you..."
Do we really just want to be with this person? Or we want to possess this person to be 'mine'? Or we love what we like and want from the relationship with this person?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Out of 'love' towards a person or an object, naturally we (the ego) will have the desire to 'own' this person or this object to be 'mine'.

Out of this 'love' or more accurately, possessiveness, we will have fear of losing this person or this object.

When somebody or something comes in between this person or this object and 'I', 'I' will be very unhappy and angry.

For example, if we are in a relationship with somebody, and one day our partner fell in love with another person. He or she desires to be with the other person and doesn't want to continue to be in the relationship with us anymore. Or there's no third party, but just simply because our partner stops having passionate love feelings for us.

Our mind is being conditioned to react in certain ways. We (the ego) might feel hurt, disappointed and sad, and we might do something ignorant that will hurt ourselves and some other people. Or we will feel very hurt, disappointed and angry, and have anger and hatred towards our partner for stopped loving us or being 'unfaithful' to us, and be angry and jealous towards the other person who has 'taken away' the person whom 'I' love very much, and we might say or do something that will hurt ourselves, and hurt our partner and the other person.

As our mind is being conditioned to think how a relationship should be like. We expect the person in the relationship with us should be faithful and loyal to us, or there should be some sorts of commitment between the two of us, and we should be faithful and loyal to each other.

Our mind also being conditioned to think that if we don't 'love' our partner so much, we won't be feeling so unhappy, if our partner wants to be with another person. And because we 'love' our partner so much, that's why we feel so hurt. People like to say, the stronger the love is, the deeper the hatred will be. But this doesn't seem right. Why?

If we truly love our partner, we love him or her unconditionally, without expecting him or her to love us in return, or love us the way that we want them to love us. We will only wish him or her happiness. Even if he or she chooses to be with another person and not us. We will let go of him or her in peace, as he or she feels that to be with the other person is more happy than to be with us. We wish him or her peace and happiness for being with the person that he or she loves, if we truly love him or her unconditionally.

There won't be any disappointment, anger, hurt or jealousy if we truly love somebody unconditionally. As if we are over-powered by anger and jealousy, we might say or do something that will hurt our partner and the person whom he or she loves. Then how can we say we 'love' our partner, if we will do or say something that will hurt him or her, and the person whom he or she loves so much? It clearly indicates that we don't really love our partner, but we only want to possess him or her to be 'mine'. And if somebody is going to take away something that belongs to 'I', 'I' will be angry and unhappy.

Out of attachment and possessiveness towards the relationship and the person in the relationship with us, we feel the need to 'protect' this relationship, we will have fear and worry of losing this person and the relationship that we have. We might do something that will hurt ourselves, or the person whom we think we 'love' so much, and those whom he or she loves so much, when things don't happen the way that we would like them to be.

This type of 'love' is purely egoistic selfish passionate possessiveness and attachment, with selfish desires and expectations. This type of selfish love only bring unhappiness in ourselves and in the person whom we think we 'love' so much. We are being not free to love somebody, full of doubts, jealousy, fear and worry all the time, and the person whom we 'love' also is not free being 'loved' or 'possessed' by us.

Only unconditional love without expectation will promote peace, happiness and freedom in ourselves and in the person whom we love.

If we need to change ourselves to be 'somebody else' whom we are not, or do something to please someone in order to have him or her to love us in return, then this also doesn't bring peace and happiness. As he or she doesn't really love us the way as we are, but will only 'loves' us when we behave the way that he or she likes and agrees with. Or else he or she doesn't want to 'love' us anymore.

We need to allow the other person to be free to be who he or she is, without expecting he or she to be the way that we would like him or her to be.

And thus even though the qualities in us change all the time, our physical appearance, condition and abilities, our personality, feelings and behaviors, our likes and dislikes also will be changing from time to time, but we will love each other as we are, accepting all our changes as they are. We just love unconditionally without expecting anything in return.

If somebody doesn't love us, or doesn't love us anymore, it is not because we are not good enough. We shouldn't blame ourselves when relationship didn't turn out 'nicely' as how we like it to be.

This is our yoga practice. It is in our relationships with everyone, to love without attachment, conditions or expectation. There's no dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, hatred, jealousy, frustration, fear, worry, and feelings of hurt, which derived from attachment and possessiveness.

The point is, in a true relationship, without expectation towards each other, out of each other's own free will, they will be faithful and committed to each other, and won't do anything that will hurt one another. It is not about one or both of them expect the other person should be faithful or expect the other person to give them what they want (For example, some people expect a faithful partner and a happy 'perfect' relationship that last forever). We will experience bitterness or unhappiness in any relationships is because the relationships didn't turn out the way that we expect it to be, or the way that we think it supposed to be. We are let down, or disappointed by our own expectations. It is not because the person whom we love didn't love us, or is not good enough.

We (the ego) are angry, disappointed and unhappy is because we didn't get the things that we want, or things didn't happen the way that we like it to be, or we have lost the things that we think they belong to us. It is not because our partner is not faithful to us, or doesn't love us anymore.

For example, it is not necessarily that we will be satisfied and happy when somebody gives us something. The act of giving or receiving is not what make us feel happy and satisfied if we have strong ego and attachment. We only will feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that 'we like', from anybody, or when we receive anything from the people whom we 'like' to be receiving from. Sometimes we won't feel happy and satisfied when we receive something that we 'don't like', even if it is coming from the people whom we think we 'love'. Or we won't feel happy or satisfied even when we receive something that we 'like', but it is not coming from the people whom we want to be receiving from. If somebody whom we dislike gives us something that we like, we won't feel the same as when it is given by someone whom we love very much. This indicates that we will only be happy and satisfied when we get what we want and the way that we want, it's not because the person who loves us gives us something, and it's not because the things that are given to us are something that we like. It is about the right person gives us the right thing the way that we want.

Can we see how selfish we are? We only 'love' the things that we like and want. We are happy and satisfied only when things happen the way that we like it to be. We don't really 'love' the people whom we think we 'love' very much, if we have strong attachment and possessiveness, and have selfish desires and expectations from the people whom we think we 'love'. And so, we stop blaming our partner for being 'unfaithful' or 'not good enough', or didn't give us what we think he or she should give to us, or didn't treat us the way that we want him or her to treat us, or didn't give us the type of relationship that we want.

No one is obligated to be nice to another person. If we expect everyone should be nice to one another, especially when ourselves is nice to other people, and we expect other people should be grateful and thankful, and they should also be nice to us in return, we will be very disappointed, if they don't. But if anyone will be nice to us out of loving kindness from their own free will, not because we have been nice to them, then we appreciate this loving kindness without attachment, without clinging onto this kindness, or craving for more. Without aversion or fear that this loving kindness is no longer available. As true loving kindness is not about something 'in exchange' for something. It's not about give and take.

Be grateful for other people being nice to us out of loving kindness, not because they are obligated to be nice to us, because we have been nice to them. Give without expecting anything in return, although something might come back to us naturally, but not necessarily the way that we expect it to be. Give out of love, not because we are obligated to give back something in return after we receive something. Be nice without expecting any kind of nice reactions in return. Be nice out of love, not because we are obligated to be nice in return for other people being nice to us.

It doesn't matter there's nobody shows gratitude or appreciation for what we give. It doesn't matter if other people don't like or are dissatisfied with what we give. It doesn't matter if other people criticize or condemn us after we give. We are not determined by praise and condemn, compliment and criticism, success and failure, if we know what is non-attachment towards our actions, and renounce the fruit of actions.

May all be free to love, and be loved.

Om shanti.

My life stories - Part 11

My life Stories - Part 11
Stories from my past memories - childhood, family, friends, growing up, poverty, integrity, dreams come true, finding peace and happiness, Buddhism, Yoga, and now...

(Updated November 2020)

I wasn’t interested in getting into any love relationship or thought of getting married to someone, before I met my husband in 2005. I was nearly 35 years old and had never been in any relationship before, not even went out for a romantic outing with anyone. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a husband.

I wasn’t and am not perfect. I didn’t and don’t intend to be one. I don’t have a nice personality or attractive appearance, and don’t know how to behave appropriately when being in a relationship. My personality and behavior were far away from ladylike and gentleness. For many people, being direct and straightforward are being seen as bad attitude or weakness for socializing and interacting in the society, particularly in a relationship. For countless times, I watched people always being friendly, polite and nice in front of other people, but they couldn’t hold their tongues to complain and criticize about other people behind their back. Of course that’s their freedom of thoughts, actions and speech. But, I would stay away from this type of social interaction and human relationship that is full of hypocrisy and back-biting as much as possible.

In the yoga practice, we keep purifying our minds until there’s no ill-will or ill-thinking about anyone, which would take a very long time for the mind to be purified. There’s nothing to complain or criticize about anyone for anything whether in front or behind their back. When we complain and criticize about others, it’s not because other people are being bad and wrong, or when we compliment and praise others, it’s not because other people are being good and right, but it’s our mind being impure and project impurities of good and bad qualities onto everyone and everything that our mind perceives through the senses, under the influence of personal likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements based on what our egoistic mind believes what things are and how things should be like. It’s not the truth of things as it is.

I never interested to make myself or my appearance to be attractive to attract anyone’s attention and liking. I don’t need that. If anyone doesn’t like me or disagree with my way of thinking and behavior, and if people feel intimidated or offended by my presence, I’ll let them be and I’ll stay away so that they will have peace.

Those who suffer from low self-esteem will easily feel intimidated or offended by anyone and anything, even though nobody is intentionally being intimidating or offensive towards anyone. It has to come from their own effort to be free from low self-esteem, which is part of the egoism. If anyone wants to create unnecessary problems, I’ll leave immediately, and let them take the responsibility for the consequences of their intentions and actions. If anyone doesn’t appreciate me or doesn’t want to be in my life anymore, I’ll let them go. I don’t expect anyone to be nice to me and love me. I never try to please anyone so that they will love me or be nice to me. People will be nice to me and love me if they want, as they like, out of their free will. I will be grateful and thankful for their love and kindness for me. I don’t need to receive love and kindness from other people, to have love or be happy, and to love and be kind to myself and others.

Compassion is not about trying to please everyone to make them feel good, happy and comfortable, by giving them whatever they like and want, to gratify their desires of craving and aversion. But it’s allowing everyone to be aware of what is going on in their minds, and realize the truth of the mind perception of names and forms to be free from ignorance, egoism and suffering. Unconditional love and peace is not coming from anyone or anything outside this body and mind, but it’s always there beyond the impermanent life existence, the function of the body and mind, all our actions and inactions, all the good and bad qualities of name and form, and all our relationships with everyone and everything. It’s there as it is when the mind is free from ignorance and egoism.

My husband said that I am a strange person and beyond confident. I rarely look into the mirror as I don’t mind at all how I look. I also don’t mind about how other people look at me and what they think of me. I am neither highly confident nor over confident, as I don’t need to feel or be confident at all. I don’t feel bad about myself, and I don’t think I am more superior or inferior than anyone. It’s okay if others want to look down on me, that’s their freedom, but I don’t look down on anyone. What others want to think, act and say about other people is their freedom of thinking, expression, action and speech, but what others think, express, act and say about me cannot determine what I am and am not. I don’t look up to anyone either. I respect all my teachers and appreciate those who inspire me, but I don’t try to become like them. I don’t need to agree or disagree with everyone with many different types of thinking, belief, values and behavior. I respect everyone as they are, even if my mind dislikes and disagrees with them based on the thinking and belief in my mind about what is good and bad, right and wrong. And I admire nobody, even when my mind thinks that they are great and wonderful, based on the thinking and belief in my mind about what is greatness and wonderfulness. Most of the time, I don’t comment about anything and anyone. Because everyone and everything are just being what they are, and they are impermanent.

There’s nothing wrong to give praise and compliment to other people to encourage people to do good and continue to improve in all aspects, but the one who needs encouragement of praise and compliment from other people to motivate it to do good and continue to improve is the ego. By giving the ego what it likes and wants won’t help to eliminate the ego, but it’s feeding and empowering the ego instead. That’s why in the traditional yoga classes, the teacher rarely gives praise and compliment, it isn’t that the teacher is arrogant or doesn’t appreciate the students’ good performance, but it’s not to feed and empower the ego of the yoga students. Those who truly practice yoga don’t need any praise and compliment from anyone to motivate them to do good and continue to improve. Naturally, they will do good and continue to improve, intentionlessly and selflessly, without attachment or identification towards their actions and the fruit of their actions.

In many families in the modern society, when the parents want to ask the children to be doing something for themselves or for other people, the parents will try to encourage or motivate the children by giving them something that they like and want as reward after they have done what they were asked to do. It’s about performing actions in exchange for something in return. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, this is completely the opposite of the teachings of yoga. The children will grow up with the idea that they will only be motivated to do something only if they can get something that they like and want in return. Or else, they won’t be motivated to do anything, even if it’s something beneficial for themselves. In yoga, we perform actions for ourselves and others out of free-will and loving kindness, without expecting something that we like and want in return, while allowing the outcome to be what it is.

And so, it’s not easy to be friend with me, not to say, to be in a relationship with me and shares life with me. I do my best to be kind to others, but not in the way that what other people expect kindness to be like. Instead, people might think that I am being unkind to them. But that’s their freedom of thinking and reaction.

After I did my first Vipassana silent meditation retreat in Dehradun, India, I went through a serious purification process where lots of rash and pimples appeared on my face and my whole body for more than one and a half years, I didn’t feel unhappy or worry, and didn’t try to do something to get rid of them. My husband arrived in Malaysia to be with me in 2007 and when he saw me in such condition for many months, he wanted to give me some money to go to a beauty salon to get some treatments, but I said to him, “No need. They will go away one day.” And they went away months later.

Since 2009, I only use hair shampoo once or twice a month and every day I take shower with water only. I use soap only for washing my hands. My travelling wash bag contains only a toothbrush and toothpaste.

I don’t need to celebrate new years, birthdays or anniversaries. I don’t have a wedding ring or wedding photos. My husband once made a ring out of straw that he picked up from the ground while we were travelling in Varanasi in 2008, and he gave it to me and told me that we were ‘officially’ married. On another time, he secretly put three Bodhi leaves in my diary because I told him it was my first time saw a Bodhi tree when we were travelling in Rishikesh. I only realized the Bodhi leaves were there when I opened my diary a few days later. He also gave me three river stones that he found at the riverbank of the Ganges in Rishikesh. My husband doesn’t need to give me material things as presents as I am not interested in material things or presents. He doesn’t need to give me anything or do something to show that he loves me, or for me to feel loved by him and for me to love him. I love him as he is. I only appreciate life every moment, from day to day.

I live every day as it is and step by step. I don’t have future plans for life. I might need to plan travelling itinerary ahead, such as booking flight tickets, but I allow changes to happen anytime. I don’t need to own properties or things. I don’t need to have enjoyments.

People like to say that we should do things that will make us happy, but I don’t need to do anything special that would make me happy, as I don’t need to feel or be happy. I am happy as I am.

I’ll share the stories from the past as it might help others to find a way to peace and freedom. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t help anyone. But, I leave the past at where they belonged, I don’t bring them into the present. Though the past cannot be changed, there will always be changes and unexpected happenings in life in the present moment. There will be some pleasant and unpleasant experiences, desirable and undesirable happenings, and people or things coming and going. I do my best to live life as it is and stay away from unnecessary energy wasting human-made troubles as much as possible, while channeling my life existence and energy into practicing and teaching yoga, and be in peace.

My husband is very different from me. He is gentle and romantic. Once, he tried to be romantic and sang a love song to me in a cafe, but I thought he was just humming a song for himself, and I didn’t pay any attention to him and his singing. When he told me about it later in disappointment, I told him that I would try to learn to be more sensitive towards his love and affection for me.

I had been living on my own for many years, but I never felt lonely. And I fully enjoyed those peaceful quiet moments living by myself and being with myself. I have some good friends when I was living in Kuala Lumpur, and occasionally, I would visit them at their homes or go out with them to have a coffee or lunch together. In the past, I didn’t have to tell or inform anyone about how I felt, what I was doing, where I was going, or when I would be coming back home, until my husband came to Malaysia to be with me. My parents never questioned me about all these things. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, but they didn’t need to worry for me at all.

I wasn’t and aren’t skillful in social interaction or to engage in any social conversations. Most probably it’s because I was never interested in socializing, mingling or accumulating personal friendships. Socializing, mingling and chit-chatting are good for worldly social interaction and public relation, but it is detrimental for yoga and meditation practice. It stimulates the thought waves and strengthens the worldly egoistic attachments, identifications and ideas, and empowering the desires of craving and aversion. We can list out what people usually talk about in a social conversation, and see how much our minds are being influenced and affected by all those daily conversations about worldly ideas and affairs, where restlessness and tension built up physically and mentally until people need to do something or go somewhere to relax and unwind from time to time.

In most conversations, many people talk about the past and the future. Most people want to be friendly and making friendship by starting a social interactive conversation, where they want to talk about themselves and also to hear other people talk about their stuffs. People want to express their opinions and also want to hear other people’s opinions. People want to know about each other and learn from one another. There’s nothing wrong with the worldly social interactions between human beings. But in terms of yoga practice, it’s about knowing thyself. It’s not about knowing other people or want to be known by other people. Minds that are being conditioned by worldly thinking, belief and ideas might think that it is a form of selfishness and rudeness when some people don’t show interest to know about other people. As one of the basic teachings of yoga, one practices dispassion and disinterest towards worldly affairs as well as other people’s affairs. It isn’t that yoga practitioners don’t care about what is happening to the world and other people, but one must look after one’s mind first before one can care for the world and the others efficiently.

When one’s mind is free from ignorance, egoism, attachment, identification, desires of craving and aversion and all sorts of impurities, and realizes unconditional love and peace in oneself, being firmly resting in peace undisturbed by all the impermanent qualities of name and form, then naturally, without any intention or expectation, one will be contributing peace into the world by stop generating unrest and disharmony into the world. By looking after oneself and being peaceful in oneself, is actually loving and caring for the world and the society.

One must learn about oneself and know about oneself by quieting and purifying the mind through self-introspection and self-discipline, and then one will know how to love and care for oneself, before one can actually know about others, and love and care for others. The entire society will become more peaceful and harmony when everyone learns about oneself, knows oneself, and loves and cares for oneself.

Instead of wasting energy in socializing or talking about worldly ideas and affairs, I conserve energy for practicing and teaching yoga. Talking about worldly ideas and affairs won’t help anyone to be free from worldly identifications and attachments towards worldly names and forms, and it won’t make the world to be a better place. In fact, talking about this and that will stimulate the mind, and it doesn’t help to quiet the mind. Yoga and meditation practice is mainly for quieting the mind. The condition of the world will change towards peace and harmony only if each and everyone who are existing and living in the world has self-awareness and self-control, to make an effort to change themselves, to purify and quiet their minds, to be free from ignorance and egoism. The world is just what it is. It is neither good nor bad. It’s the occupants in the world that are projecting good and bad qualities into the world and contributing peace or unrest into the world. The one who is free from good and bad qualities, perceives the world as it is.

Though I am not interested in accumulating personal social friendships, I do my best to be friendly to all. I don’t discriminate people into friends or not friends. There’s no special treatment towards certain people. Those who think they deserve to be treated in certain ways that they think they should be treated, they will be disappointed by their own expectation. It’s everyone’s freedom if people want to discriminate everyone into friends and not friends, and have expectation towards how other people should act and react, behave and response according to their own thinking, belief, values and practice. If people feel annoyed or offended by other people who have different actions and reactions, different behaviors and responses under the influence of different thinking, belief, values and practice, that is their own reaction and responsibility.

In the teachings of yoga, friendliness is about being kind and compassionate towards all and everyone without discrimination, prejudice or bias towards everyone with different thinking, belief, values and practice. We have self-control over our actions and speech to stop generate actions and speech that will cause unrest and disharmony in other people or in the society. We constantly be aware of the impurities in our minds, and unceasingly purify our minds to be free from all sorts of impurities, so that we won’t hurt ourselves and others out of the influence of impurities like anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment, pride, arrogance, desires, lust, feelings of hurts, doubt, fear and worry. It’s nothing to do with accumulating personal friendships everywhere with those who are like-minded and agreeable with one another.

There’s no possessiveness or attachment towards anyone to be ‘my friend’. There’s no expectation towards friendships for getting something that we want, such as love, affection, acknowledgement, companionship, interaction, trust, care and support, or getting rid of something that we don’t want, such as loneliness and boredom. There’s no expectation towards other people that they have to be friendly and nice to us. We allow everyone to be friendly and nice to us, or not. We don’t feel offended when we don’t get the appropriate reactions that what most people expect to be getting from other people. We don’t expect people should react and behave in certain ways according to our own thinking, social ethics, cultural values, belief and practice. We respect all and everyone to be different from us for having different personalities, characteristics, behaviors, opinions, values, policies, thinking and beliefs. We don’t try to interfere with, or to control, or to change other people to be differently from what they are, to be the way that we think they should be, but allowing and respecting everyone to be the way as they are. That is real friendliness.

If people feel hurt or disturbed by other people’s action and reaction, that is their own responsibility coming from how their minds react towards all the perceptions of names and forms, influenced by their egoism of attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion and expectation based on their own particular conditioned thinking and belief. Those who are free from egoism of attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion and expectation based on certain conditioned thinking and belief, will not be hurt or disturbed by anything or anyone.

Being in a relationship and to share living space with another person was a great challenge for me in the beginning. There were lots of things I needed to learn, to adjust, to adapt, to accommodate, to tolerate, to forbear, to accept, and to let go selfishness and the ego. All these are indeed our yoga practice. And I am always learning.

My husband is a good man and a good husband. He is very friendly, kind-hearted and generous. It is very good karma to have him in my life. He loves me very much. I appreciate his love for me and being in my life.

Before we knew each other, I was teaching aerobics dance classes in and around Kuala Lumpur for making a living, while he was working in a refuge in the Pyrenees in France.

We met each other for the first time in the Sivananda Dhanwantari Yoga Vedanta Ashram in South India, where we did the International Yoga Teachers Training Course in January 2005.

Without any intention, we had conversation about yoga and Buddhism for a few times during the one month course. In those conversation, I never asked him where he came from, where he lived, what he did in the past, what he was doing then, or who he was in general. I didn’t even know what nationality he has. I never interested in knowing about the past, or try to know anyone about where they come from, or what they do, or who they are.

He stayed back in the Ashram for another few months after the course ended, while I came back to Malaysia, continued to teach aerobics dance classes and yoga classes. I wrote him a letter sent to the Ashram after I came back, as I felt that he needed Dhamma at that time. The letter was all about Dhamma, there’s nothing romantic at all. He told me later that the letter meant a lot to him, and he had kept the letter with him all the time wherever he went, until now.

Without any intention, we both attended the Advance Teachers Training Course in February 2006. My initial plan was to stay back in the Ashram to perform selfless service for three months after the course ended. I would stay longer if I had more money. But the savings that I had was only just enough for the course and for staying in the Ashram for three more months. I didn’t know that my plan would change, and changing my life too. A few days after we met again for the second time, he asked me if I wanted to travel with him in India learning more yoga and meditation under different schools and teachers after the course finished. I didn’t answer him at that time because I wanted to stay in the Ashram after the course, and I couldn’t afford to go travelling somewhere else. We kept a distance with each other in the Ashram as we respect the Ashram’s rule of male and female students’ segregation, and we didn’t say anything about it anymore.

Just a few days before the course finished, a spontaneous thought arose in my mind during the evening Satsang meditation session, that if he came to me right after the meditation finished and asked me to travel with him in India, then I would go with him. But if he didn’t come to me that night and didn’t ask me that question at that time, then I wouldn’t go with him, but to stay in the Ashram for the next three months. And miraculously, as everyone was leaving the meditation hall, he was waiting for me at the exit and he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the side and asked me in the dark, “Do you want to travel with me in India?” And I said yes. And so, we went travelling together in India after the course ended. He paid most of the travelling expenses and the fees for the yoga course.

We spent two and a half months together, where we came to know each other deeper. We both got really sick from food poisoning for a month from the first day we arrived in Delhi. During that time, we took turn to take care of each other at our worst condition.

Then he went back to France, while I came back to Malaysia without any expectation that we would see each other again. I mentioned to him before, that he could come to Malaysia to teach yoga with me if he wanted. We didn’t really have any contact since then.

He went back to India for the third time in the end of 2006 after finished working at the refuge, while I was in Malaysia. I didn’t go to India. Nine months later after the last time we saw each other, he called me from India one afternoon, telling me that he had booked a flight to come to Malaysia arriving the next day. He came in February 2007 and never left. We got married in the end of 2008.

All relationships and life experiences will have ups and downs. It’s subject to impermanence or changes. When two people who come from different cultural backgrounds with different personalities come together, there will be some conflicts arise from time to time. It depends on the depth of our understanding, acceptance, adaptation, adjustment, accommodation, tolerance, forgiveness and letting go, for us to be able to stay cheerful and happy in life, regardless of all the agreements and disagreements, likes and dislikes, ups and downs in life and in the relationship. But most important is that we need to know what we really want in life for ourselves.

My mother tongue is Cantonese, and my second languages are Mandarin and Malay. Before my husband came to Malaysia living with me, I seldom spoke English in daily conversations except when I taught classes I used very simple and minimal English. My husband and I had many misunderstanding especially in the beginning because my English comprehension was really limited and I also have bad hearing due to constant shouting when teaching aerobics classes under the loud music. My husband speaks very softly. I had to ask him to repeat his sentences again and again. It was frustrating for him. I used to talk very loud and fast, which was really difficult for my husband because he has sensitive hearing and suffers from tinnitus. He suffered a lot from my loud speaking. As years passed by, I started to speak more softly, and slowly. My husband had to keep correcting my English pronunciations and the usage of tenses. It took me few years to learn to pronounce words like egg, eight, three, world, girl, file, wild, duck, abdomen, buttocks, wrists, necessarily, vocabulary, probably, and etc. Even after many years speaking in English, I am still having trouble pronouncing words like thought, thigh, they and there. When I speak in English, I am actually translating directly from Chinese. And there are no tenses in Chinese language. My husband said that he couldn’t understand me and constantly misunderstood what I wanted to say because I didn’t know how to use the correct pronunciation and tenses to tell my stories or when I wanted to say something. But we understood and we learned to be patient and accommodate each other whenever we communicate.

It didn’t and doesn’t matter to me about how other people perceive me, as I am what I am. I accept and love myself as I am. I don’t live my life according to the worldly thinking and belief and the current trends, to fulfill other people’s expectation. Neither will I try to please anyone by pretending to be somebody else whom I am not. If people don’t like something or everything about me, it’s their freedom. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and unhappiness. Nobody can make another person happy or unhappy. If people want to be happy, no one can make them unhappy. If people want to be unhappy, no one can make them happy. When people feel happy is because they are getting something that they like and want, and are not getting what they don’t like and don’t want. When people feel unhappy is because they are getting something that they don’t like and don’t want, and are not getting what they like and want. It’s not because things or people are being good or bad, nice or not nice. My husband’s personal likes and dislikes and his mind perception about me also cannot determine me or change me, for what I am and how I think, act and feel.

We are happy as we are. I can’t make my husband happy. Neither can he make me happy. We can only do our best to be kind to one another.

Most of the time, the truth is not something agreeable or pleasant to the minds that are not free from attachment and identification towards certain conditioned thinking and belief under the influence of ignorance and egoism. Most people perceive their own reality under the influence of particular conditional thinking and belief, they don’t see the truth as it is. Those who are not free from ignorance and egoism might have heard about the truth from others, but they might not like the truth and don’t agree with the truth realized by others, because it’s not their own realization. People perceive everything influenced by the judgment based on their own particular thinking and belief, and they live in their own personal reality. Those who practice yoga and Buddhism don’t blind-believe in the truth realized by others, even if it’s coming from Buddha or any saints and sages. Everyone has to realize the truth by themselves.

People want and expect the truth to be something that they like and want that is agreeable to their own personal worldly thinking and belief. Everyone who attached to different thinking and belief would perceive their own personal reality differently from one another. Everyone has their own perception of reality that is being different from one another and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the universal truth is still the one same truth whether people like and agree with it, or not, whether people think and believe it’s the truth, or not. As the truth is not a belief, or intellectual analysis. It’s the way of everything being what they are, as they are, and constantly changing. But most people don’t want things to be what they are, but they want things to be the way that they like and want it to be, or the way that they think it should be.

Things that matter very much for many people, might not matter to me at all. When people are sad and crying about something, I might not react the same. When people are happy and cheering about something, I might not react the same. I don’t expect anyone to be like me, or to accept me. I don’t expect people to react or don’t react in certain way. I don’t need anyone to like me or agree with me, but allowing everyone to like and dislike, to agree and disagree about anything and anyone, as they are. 

Most people would perceive this as ‘hard’, or ‘stubborn’, or ‘self-centred’, or ‘selfish’ according to the passionate worldly thinking and belief, and that’s their freedom of thinking. Buddha didn’t change to be something else that he was not, according to what everyone liked and disliked, agreed and disagreed with. Buddha lived in the truth and allowing everyone realizing the truth, or not. There’s no desire/intention/aspiration/ambition of “I need to do something to get as many people as possible to realize the truth.”

This also shows that how kind and loving is my husband for him to love me and accept me as I am. It’s a great challenge for him to be in a relationship with me and to share life with me.

That’s also why I am never interested in joining any ‘groups’. I am free to be who I am, as I am. And I am free from getting involve in gossips, vain talks, conflicts, condemn, criticism, argument, and so on. When we have bad things to say about others, it’s not because other people are being bad and wrong, but it’s because our minds are not pure. If our minds are pure, there’s no bad thing to say about others, even if we are aware of something that isn’t good and right about someone based on what our minds believe as good and bad, right and wrong.

Worldly minded people might think that being silent towards things that are bad and wrong is supporting all those bad and wrong things. But, what people think and believe as good and bad, right and wrong, is very subjective, it’s not necessarily the truth of what things are. By being vocally and physically violent towards something that is bad and wrong won’t change the reality of those things being bad and wrong. But everyone must develop self-awareness and self-introspection in themselves to be aware of their own minds, to be initiative to make an effort to purify their own minds, and have self-control over their own thinking, actions and speech.

By telling people that they are ignorant or wrong and bad, won’t make people stop being ignorant or wrong and bad. It has to come from everyone’s self-awareness, self-realization and self-control to be free from ignorance or bad and wrong thinking and behavior.

Although I don’t belong to any groups, but I respect everyone has their own groups, where they think they belong to, or if people feel there’s a need to attach onto certain quality and identification and to obtain certain acknowledgment, recognition and authorization to be who they are. Some people think that they need to mix into certain groups and do anything to be accepted by those groups, to feel that those are the places where they belong, to be interacting and sharing something in common among the people in those groups.

Some people join certain groups for getting some personal gains, or business exchange and benefits. But then they will complain that they are not free to be who they are, and are being ‘pressured’ or ‘forced’ to do things the way that the groups believe how things should be done. As by joining certain groups, there are some standards and qualities, or rules and regulations in the groups that the members have to comply and be recognized as being one of them, or else they will be criticized, or condemned, or expelled. One will have to be like them or behave like them, and one is not free to be oneself anymore. Oneself and one’s life are being watched and interfered by the others all the time, and is being bound to play by the rules of the games once one joined any groups.

Some people don’t like and don’t agree with the way we are, as they can’t understand why we want to keep very low profile, that we are not eager to promote our yoga retreats, and they would try to give us many advice about how we should run our yoga retreats and how to live our lives, even though we never asked anyone for any advice. We let them be free to express their minds to give their opinions. But then when they realize that we are happy with the way as we are and have no interest to follow any of their advice, they would feel offended and disrespected. This is the world, full of such action and reaction. People constantly interfering with other people and easily be offended when things are not being the way that they like it to be. In yoga practice, we refrain ourselves from the egoistic action and reaction under the influence of worldly thinking, belief and ideas.

I have no greed to get any helps or benefits from any ‘groups’ to enhance or improve our social life, or life condition, or income. If I need to do something or to attain something, I depend solely on my own effort to get things done. Or else, I don’t. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t get what I wanted. I also don’t need to attain any encouragement, acknowledgement, support, or companionship from some other people or friends to motivate me to do something that I want to do.

I do things in my own ways and at my own pace. There’s no stress or tension. I’m not ambitious to run a bigger retreat centre with higher capacity and income. We did everything by ourselves (my husband and I) within our own capacity. We didn’t need to rely on any ’employees’ to run the yoga retreats. As it wouldn’t be the same. It would become a business, with higher expenses and costs. We did all the teachings, cooking, driving, accommodation arrangement, emails response, website updates, cleaning, washing, maintenance, and shopping all by ourselves.

If some people don’t understand about what we do, we don’t expect that they should understand. If people aren’t really interested in the traditional yoga practice about quieting the mind through the annihilation of ignorance and egoism, and they don’t have the humility to learn and practice yoga as it is, but they are only interested in joining some fitness yoga exercise classes, and they are not interested in our yoga retreats or what we teach, that’s their freedom. We will suggest to them to go to some other yoga fitness centres that might provide cheap and cheerful yoga exercise classes. As these people are not really interested in learning and practicing yoga. There are many yoga asana instructors in the world that will provide fitness yoga exercise classes to these people who only interested in doing some stretching, strength and flexibility fitness workout, to be able to do many yoga asana poses that they want to be able to do, and to look good and feel good about themselves. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s their freedom. We would appreciate very much to have the free time to focus on our own personal practice.

Many people said that they are interested in yoga and they want to learn yoga, but when they hear the teachings of yoga about dispassion, renunciation and letting go of egoism of attachment, identification, desires of craving and aversion, and expectation, either their minds will start to be opened towards what they didn’t know before, and be able to see what is going on in their minds, or their minds will be rejecting what they don’t know, or what is contradicted with their existing thinking and belief, and they want to run away from what their minds don’t like and don’t agree with. The stronger the ego is, the stronger the rejection towards the teachings of yoga about the annihilation of the ego will be. Everyone has the freedom for what they want and don’t want. People don’t have to practice yoga that is not the way that they like it to be.

I just do my best within my ability and limitation. Some people being optimistic and they think and believe that they can change the world, that’s their freedom. Even Buddha never claimed that being enlightened and be free from ignorance and suffering could change the world. Buddha didn’t have intention to change the world or had expectation that the world will be changed by his enlightenment, his presence or the teachings of Buddhism. He just shared the path towards liberation.

No doubt that the existence of everything and everyone are inter-dependent on many others. But, everyone has to work independently towards liberation. When serious Sadhaka advance in their practice, they will renounce the world and go into seclusion for at least five or six years cutting off all kinds of communication with family and friends completely. Nowadays, many people who identify themselves as ‘yoga practitioners’ or ‘yogis’, who say that they love yoga and like doing a particular style of yoga asana practice, they are not really interested in dispassion and renunciation. And that is their freedom of what they want to do with their life existence.

I believe in the one same nature in everything, which is the truth of impermanence and selflessness. I see the same nature in everything, despite all the different qualities of name and form that exist in everyone, that generate separateness, discrimination, likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements. From separateness, there arise craving and aversion, conflicts, discrimination, fear, anger, hatred and jealousy in us. Though I do things in my own way, I don’t feel myself as an individual being separated from any other beings even though I don’t join any groups or attach onto certain identifications to be who I am. I don’t need to obtain any recognition or support from any social groups to be somebody.

What I do and don’t do is just actions and inactions, it’s not I. Whatever I experienced in the past and am experiencing now, it’s not I. Whatever qualities I had or didn’t have in the past, and what qualities I have or don’t have in the present, it’s just part of the impermanent and selfless modification of this mind. There’s no I. The many ‘I’s that exist in the entire blog about My Life Stories telling all the stories here is just the impermanent and selfless mind.

This mind has no expectation towards this life existence, or towards itself and other minds, or in its relationships with anyone. Neither will it be disappointed with itself or other minds, as it doesn’t expect anything. By having expectation won’t change the reality that it doesn’t like into something that it prefers, and this mind is not interested at all to change other minds to be the way that it thinks they should be.

And so, it’s really not easy to deal with or to live with a person like me. As I can be very ‘stubborn’ or ‘hard’ in my own way. I let people think what they want to think, and say what they want to say, and I am still what I am. I never try to please anyone and I don’t need anyone to please me. I don’t try to interfere with others’ freedom to be what and how they are. I let people to be happy or unhappy, and to take full responsibility for themselves. I have no intention to make anyone unhappy or to hurt anyone deliberately. I can wish everyone peace and happiness. I can wish everyone be free from unhappiness and suffering. But I can’t and don’t make people become peaceful and happy. People are peaceful and happy is because they are free from ignorance and they allow themselves to be peaceful and happy. I let everyone to be what they are. I can’t control or dictate their thinking and feelings, what they like and dislike, what they want and don’t want. If they want to be ignorant or unhappy, and attach onto qualities of name and form to be who they are, I’ll let them be.

I do my best to help people who need help, like my family and friends and people who come to learn about yoga, but I can't help anyone if people don't want to help themselves. If people don't help themselves, I'll let them be, even if they are my family and friends. It's their freedom of what they want to do with themselves and their lives. If I can't help due to some limitation, I'll let it be. It's not necessarily that everyone will like and agree with the way that I try to help other people, as I help other people not necessarily in the way that they expect it to be according to the worldly passionate thinking and belief. I don't take away or solve people's problems, but allowing them to realize the cause of their problems, to learn how to not attach to their existing problems and stop generate unnecessary problems. Some people appreciate that while many people won't appreciate that, as most people expect help in the way where someone can take away or solve all their problems for them.

Nowadays, many people who think they are mentally and emotionally disturbed and hurt by something hurtful, they feel and believe that they are suffering from mental and emotional hurts and suffering, and they are looking forward to be receiving some kind of 'spiritual healing' treatment from someone 'spiritual' to heal them, to take away their painful hurts and suffering. Meanwhile, there are many different kinds of 'spiritual healing' being 'advertised' in the world claiming to be able to 'heal' people's mental and emotional hurts and suffering, including in the world of yoga. That's their freedom. Getting certain 'healing treatment' or receiving certain 'comforting love and affection' from some other beings might relieve certain degrees of mental and emotional pain, but it doesn't stop the mind to be continuing perceiving/experiencing/feeling 'hurts' and 'suffering' mentally and emotionally whenever people think and believe they are 'experiencing' and 'disturbed by' some kind of 'hurtful' and 'suffering' experiences.

When people come to us, we don't give them 'spiritual healing' treatment. We don't take away or remove what people think and believe is their mental or emotional painful hurts and suffering. We teach and guide everyone to contemplate upon or look into their own minds to know what is going on in their minds, that allows them to see the truth of hurts and suffering, to realize the root cause of hurts and suffering, to realize selflessness and compassion. We don't heal anyone, but it's coming from people themselves willingly to let go all the ignorant perception about everything that will liberate them from any kind of 'so called' mental and emotional 'hurts' and 'suffering'.

If people are not willing to learn about what is going on in their own minds, and reluctant to open their minds, where they insist that all their painful hurts and suffering are caused by somebody and something that is being hurtful and suffering, and feel greatly insulted and offended when being told to 'identify' and 'see' the ignorance and egoism in their own mind, then the teaching and practice is useless to them.

I don't need to 'heal' anyone, and I don't 'heal' anyone. All kinds of 'hurts' and 'suffering' ceased existing or vanished from the mind when the mind is free from ignorance and egoism, upon knowing thyself and knowing the truth of names and forms. 'Hurts' and 'suffering' don't exist upon the realization of the truth, and nobody needs to be 'healed' from 'hurts' and 'suffering', as nobody is being there to perceive or experience 'hurt' and 'suffering' upon the realization of selflessness and compassion. That is real freedom.

Non-attachment and letting go towards actions and the fruit of actions is the essence of the yoga practice. One can be performing many actions but is not determined by the actions or the fruit of actions. There's no success or failure, no praise or condemn, that can motivate or demotivate me to perform actions, or not. There's no need any acknowledgment, recognition, approval, appreciation, gratefulness and thankfulness from anyone to motivate one to perform actions, to feel happy and meaningful, or not.

I am peaceful as I am. This is why I am always cheerful and lighthearted even if there’s some challenging situations arise in my life, as I am not disturbed or determined by the pleasant and unpleasant life experiences, and undetermined by other people’s judgments, opinions, likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements. If my mind is ever being disturbed by certain names and forms, I could let it go very fast.

I take full responsibility for the consequences of my decisions and actions made. There are no regrets. If the consequences of my decisions or actions are unpleasant, I take them as they are. Most of the time, what we think and believe as good and right decisions and actions are not necessarily bringing pleasant consequences. Life experiences can be very unpleasant and difficult, but it doesn’t mean that we did something wrong or bad.

Yoga and meditation and Buddhism practice is practical in every moment in life while we experience what we recognized as happiness and unhappiness, pleasant and unpleasant experiences in life and in relationships with anyone. The practice is in the present moment now, being aware of the reality as it is and accepting the reality as it is, without generate attachment or identification, without craving or aversion towards the impermanent qualities of name and form that our mind perceives through the senses. There’s no such idea as “I did a lot of yoga and meditation practice in the past”, or “I do lots of yoga or meditation in the present”, or “I am going to practice yoga and meditation in the future”.

I share what I am with the guests who come for our yoga retreats. I don’t teach yoga according to what we learned from the yoga teachers training course curriculum or the teaching manual, or from reading yoga books, or from hearing from somebody else about what is yoga and how they teach yoga.

Whatever I am and am not, whatever I do and don’t do, it’s not I. It’s all nothing but selfless impermanent changes of some qualities of name and form.

Before this mind realized love and peace in itself and was full of unhappiness and behaving terribly, hurting itself and others out of deep ignorance and egoism, it needed help and it was inspired and influenced by particular person (Madonna), teacher (Buddha, Ajahn Chah, Swami Sivananda) and teaching (Buddhism, Yoga) to change itself, to uplift itself, to discipline itself, to see the ignorance and the consequence of ignorance in itself. After this mind realized what is suffering and the cause of suffering, it is what it is. I am what I am. Impermanent and selfless. This mind stops blaming, longing, expecting. All is itself and the consequence of itself. All is impermanent. All is selfless.

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For more stories about our relationship, there's an article in the newspaper, you can read on this link Love Came Slowly