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Friday, March 2, 2012

Confused relationship mixed with love and hatred?

Lately there are some readers find Be Happy's Blog through this search word - "confused relationship mixed with love and hatred"...

We might be interested to know about "love and hatred in relationship", maybe it is coming from our own life experience or from other people's life experience, it is beneficial for anyone and any relationships for us to know about why a love relationship can turn sour and bitter, and have hatred towards our partner and the relationship...

From the point of view of Yoga teachings about the mind, the ego, the feelings, desires, ignorance, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, attachments, suffering, compassion and the law of impermanence, here are some explanations why there are quite many confused relationships mixed with love and hatred in the world...

Before we can love another person and get into relationship with anyone, we need to have love in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves and are happy with ourselves as we are, and not having expectation that our lover or partner will make us happy or expect the relationship will give us love and happiness...

To love ourselves, we need to be able to accept ourselves as we are in the present moment as it is... Then only we can love ourselves and be happy with our own self as we are... If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, and don't know how to love ourselves, how is it possible for us to accept other people as they are and know how to love other people as they are? If we are not peaceful and have no love, how can we share peace and love with others?

We will be very disappointed by our own expectation, and the relationship will definitely turn sour and bitter if we expect our lover or partner or the relationship to give us love and happiness, to make us happy and be loved... It's because nobody and no relationship can give us love and happiness... Love and happiness is coming from within ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and accepting ourselves as we are, whether we are in a relationship with someone or not...

If we don't have love in ourselves and are not happy with our own self as we are, and trying to get love and happiness from other people or from relationship to get rid of the incompleteness and emptiness in us, then no matter how much our partner love us and be nice to us, we will never be satisfied and happy...

At the beginning of a relationship, two people must be in love with each other and decided to be in a relationship sharing life together.

But, as time goes by, impermanence strikes... Physical condition changes, appearance changes, abilities change, mentality changes, things change, environment changes, the state of mind changes, feelings change, hormones change, likes and dislikes change, what we want and don't want change...

After spending some time together getting to know each other deeper, exposing our real personality in front of our partner, we realize that we don't really like or love our partner as much as before, because we start to see the qualities in our partner that we don't like about... The feeling of love become lesser and lesser, and one day, it's completely gone... We are not in love with him or her anymore... It's heartbreaking for our partner to know that we are not in love with them anymore, if they are still in love with us... They might get upset and be angry with us... And they have the rights and should be allowed to be upset and angry with us...

Even when we feel in love with our partner more than before as time goes by, that is because we start to see more qualities in our partner that we like about...


This is definitely nothing wrong... It is the Truth of impermanence.

It is also the Truth of "We don't really love anyone at all, but we only fell in love with some qualities that we like and agree with in that person at that moment... Maybe it's the physical body, the face, the entire appearance, the sexuality, the energy field, the personality, the way that he or she talks and moves, the way that he or she treats us, what he or she does, what he or she likes and dislikes, what he or she believes, how he or she thinks, and etc..."


Once those qualities in our lover or partner changed into something different from what we like and want, or when what we like and want has changed, we like and want something else, then we don't feel love or interest in this person anymore... And from then, everything that our partner do and say will annoy us easily and this will turn into feelings of disgust and hatred towards our partner and the relationship...

When we are still in love with the qualities in our lover or partner, everything that our lover or partner say and do is nice and positive... When we stop loving the qualities in our lover or partner, then everything that our partner say and do is not nice and negative...

Our partner and the relationship doesn't have the qualities or intention to make us happy or not happy, to give us love or not... It is the projection from our own mind's expectation that we will be loved and be treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, then we will be happy and feel love... And if we are not being loved or treated the way that we want it to be from our lover or partner, we will be unhappy and feel frustrated... From frustration it becomes anger, and from anger it turns into hatred...

When we say we love someone, know that we don't really love that person... We are selfish. We only love what we like and agree with... Once it changed into something that we don't like and don't agree with, we don't feel love for that person anymore and replace with disgust, disinterest and hatred, because we couldn't find pleasure, excitement and happiness in the relationship with that person, because we cannot love him or her as he is, as she is, as changes happen in us and in our lover or partner from moment to moment... We cannot find satisfaction in our lover or partner or the relationship now, because they are not the things that we like and want anymore...

This is a cruel reality about love relationship, but it is the Truth...

So, if we feel hatred in a relationship, ask ourselves this question, "Do we really love this person?" or "Are we just in love with the qualities in that person that we like and agree with?"

If we really love this person, we won't have hatred towards this person or this relationship... We will be able to accept our partner as he is or as she is, and able to accept the relationship as it is, even though there are constant changes in us or in our partner or in the relationship... And if we really know what is unconditional love or selfless love or unselfish love, we won't have any expectation in getting love and happiness from our partner or from the relationship... Even if we don't get any love in return, we are fine because we love ourselves. We have love and happiness in ourselves. We do not depend on our partner or any relationship to give us love and happiness...


And if we feel hatred, then that clearly indicates that we don't really love this person. How can we hate someone that we really love? That indicates that we only love the image of that person that we built up for him or her, we only love the qualities that we expect from him or her, but we hate the reality of that person being what he is or what she is, but then this reality is not something that we like and want... That's why we feel love and hatred at the same time in a love relationship...

Sometimes the feeling of hatred is not about our partner not being the person that we like and want, but it is from ourselves being dissatisfied with ourselves, looking for compliments from our partner to fulfill that imperfection or incompleteness in us, and if we couldn't get that from our partner or from the relationship, we will be more disappointed and frustrated with ourselves, and turn that frustration and anger towards our partner and our relationship as well, blaming our partner or the relationship causing us unhappiness...

We think we are angry with our lover or partner, but actually we are angry with ourselves...

Sometimes it is just some hormonal changes in our body that generates the feeling of disgust, disinterest and hatred. That is nothing to do with whether our partner is being loving and nice to us or not. Even though our partners love us very much and treat us the way that we want them to treat us, but due to the hormone changes influencing our mood very much, we'll still feel like "we don't love our partner", or "we hate our partner", or "we hate our relationship", or "we hate ourselves", or "we hate our life"... If this is the case, then by changing our lifestyle, do some exercise regularly, eat some healthy choice of food, stop eating junk food, stop abusing the body and mind with unhealthy inputs, have a healthy sleeping pattern, balancing work, rest and play, will help to balance up the hormone system in our body and will change how we feel and don't feel...

Sometimes we feel anger and hatred towards our lover or partner or the relationship, it is because our partners did something or said something that really hurt our feelings, we cannot forgive and hold on to that bitterness, and it turn into anger and hatred towards our partner for hurting us... We need to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves by letting go of anger and hatred... Forgive and let go whatever had happened... If our partner is still hurting us with his or her actions and speech, we can choose to let go of this relationship, in order to allow ourselves to heal ourselves, to love ourselves, to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, and not allow ourselves continue to be abused or hurt by that person, even if we love that person very much and don't feel like leaving him or her.

If our lover or partner really loves us, they won't be abusing or hurting us so much... And if they really love us, but at the same time unwittingly, whether intentionally or unintentionally hurting us through actions and speech, that must be something isn't right going on in his or her mind... He or she is in suffering. He or she is not happy, not peaceful... And if this is the case, we won't have anger and hatred towards him or her, because we will be compassionate towards his or her situation or condition...

Some people are being over-powered by drugs or alcohol, and cannot control their own actions and speech, and generates hurts to their lover or partner, physically, mentally and emotionally... But, when they come back to sanity, they feel so guilty and regret for what they have done... If this is the case, this person needs to help himself or herself to come out from this suffering... We cannot do anything to help this person if he or she doesn't want to help himself or herself to be free from drugs or alcohol abuse... Sometimes we have to let go this relationship, but we can continue to help this person to come out from his or her problems, if we love this person, but this action of helping is out of compassion, and not as a person in the relationship being responsible or obligated to help this person...

If our lover or partner is taking pleasure in their actions and speech to hurt us physically, mentally and emotionally, that means he or she is very sick, mentally sick... And he or she is in great suffering being totally deluded by ignorance... We should be compassionate towards him or her, and won't be angry with him or her... We don't have to continue to be in this relationship if we don't want to, and let him or her takes responsibility for himself or herself... We cannot take responsibility for his or her ignorance. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves... We cannot expect our lover and partner to take responsibility for our mentality and behavior, or to remove the ignorance for us, just because they are in a relationship with us...

If things can be fixed, we can try our best to fix it. If things cannot be fixed, we have to let it go...

No matter what reasons that induce the feelings of anger and hatred in relationship, most important is that we need to be able to forgive and let go... Free ourselves, free our body and mind from anger and hatred is more important than try to please other people, or to help other people to come out from suffering, when we ourselves need to be helped and healed. We need to love ourselves, accept ourselves as we are, and then we are able to love someone else, and accept other people as they are... Even though they don't love us or didn't treat us the way that we want them to treat us, we will still love this person as he is or as she is, out of compassion, without asking any love and appreciation in return...

And if continue in a relationship will only bring further unhappiness and suffering onto one of us or the two of us, because we cannot change how we feel about the other person, or change how the other person feels for us, then it is better to let this relationship go... May ourselves be happy, and may our lover or partner be happy... We might meet some other people who can teach us how to love ourselves and be happy in any relationships... We allow the universe to bring us the one who is our partner and our teacher as well... Who knows maybe days later, or weeks later, or months later, or years later the two people will love each other again, and want to start a new relationship with greater understanding and unconditional love...

We should be able to be free and be happy with ourselves whether being in a relationship or not being in a relationship...

If being in a relationship that doesn't allow us to be truthful and honest for being what we really are, then this relationship won't last long, even though we love that person very much and want to be with that person... If we try to please the other person by presenting ourselves pretend to be somebody with the image and personality that he or she likes, we will be exhausted and unhappy... There's no meanings in preserving this relationship...

If we are really angry with our lover or partner whether there's a reason or there's no reason for that anger, we should be able to let our lover or partner know that we don't feel good and we are angry... And if he or she really loves us as we are, they won't mind about it and will accept that in this present moment now, we are not in a good mood, and not necessarily that there is a problem in the relationship...

We don't need to find faults nor blame anyone for our anger and unhappiness as this will energized the fire of anger and unhappiness. Even this anger and unhappiness will pass away... It's impermanent... After a few moments, or a few days, or a few weeks, or a few months, that feeling of anger and unhappiness will be gone... Why want to ruin a fine relationship just because of some common feelings of up and down that exist in everyone, that are impermanent?

If we really love someone, we should be able to allow that person to be able to freely express his or her present feelings and emotion, and give support to him or her... Develop an open-minded understanding that sometimes (especially when we are still not being free from identification with the ego yet), we can be disturbed, we can be imbalanced, we can be fragile, we can be not so kind, we can be selfish, we can be emotional, we might have anger, we might have jealousy, we might have disappointment, we might have dissatisfaction, and etc... And through this understanding, we allow ourselves and the other person to be who we really are, to express freely and honestly how we feel, and be able to be "not so nice" and "not so loving" once in a while... We are not perfect, and we cannot expect our partner to be perfect all the time...


Go and find love and peace and contentment in our own self first, before we get into a relationship and telling our partner, "I love you..." when we don't really love ourselves and are not happy with ourselves, and expect to find love and happiness from our partner and love relationship... Expecting our partner and love relationship will give us love and happiness to remove the feelings of loneliness and unhappiness... We will be very disappointed because our partner and the relationship cannot give us love and happiness... They cannot take away the loneliness and unhappiness in us...

Love and happiness is coming from within our self, when we are free from attachments, craving and aversion... Momentary feelings of love and happiness that come from getting what the ego likes and wants, and having our desires fulfilled, and not experience anything that we don't like and don't want, are conditional and impermanent... As long as craving and aversion is there, we can never be fully satisfied, or be truly happy for being what we are and accepting everything as it is...


There is nobody nor any relationships will give us love and happiness, if we don't have love and happiness in ourselves... If we feel love and happiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we love ourselves... If we feel hate and unhappiness being with somebody in a relationship, that is because we don't love ourselves...

We will be disappointed and feel frustrated in the relationship, when we realize that our partner and our relationship cannot give us the things that we want, such like love, happiness, completeness, satisfaction, pleasure, and etc...

The warm happy love feelings and satisfaction that we think they are coming from our relationship with our partner, and our partner is loving us and being nice to us, it's conditional, it's limited, it is not real happiness... Why? Because if there is some problems occur in our relationship, and our partner stop being loving and are not nice to us anymore, do we still feel warm happy love feelings and satisfaction? Nope, we don't... Instead we will feel so unhappy, angry, hating and disappointed...

We feel love and happiness it's not because our partner love us, but because they love us the way that we want them to love us... Even if our partner love us, but not love us the way that we want them to love us, we won't be happy and satisfied. In fact, we will be angry with them... Where is love? There's no love... We only love our own selfish intention and expectation towards our lover or partner and the relationship... When our intention and expectation is being gratified, we feel good and happy... But when our intention and expectation is not being gratified, we feel unhappy and angry... Do we still want to say that we love our lover or partner?

If we both have love and happiness within ourselves, then both of us can compliment each other without trying to expect the other person to give us love and make us happy... This type of relationship will last long, even though sometimes we have mood swing, and sometimes there are ups and downs in life...

Every time when we feel angry with our lover or partner, know that it is nothing to do with our lover or partner... It is because we are angry with the reality of things that are not the way that we like them to be... Our likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement, craving and aversion are not being gratified, that's why we are angry and disappointed... It is not because of our partner's behavior is not nice, but it is because we don't like or don't agree with the way things are, especially when our partner didn't behave the way that we "expect" them to behave...

It is okay that sometimes we don't feel love or we feel angry in a relationship with someone... Allow ourselves and our partner to experience impermanence of feelings and moods... Feelings of love will pass... Feelings of hatred also will pass... What remain is unconditional love that is beyond feelings of love and hatred that keeps the relationship growing and lasting...

Real love and happiness is unconditional and will not change... It is always there in us, no matter how is our relationship with someone, or how is our partner treating us, or whether our partner will fulfill our desires, or having qualities that we like and want or not...

May all be happy whether being in a relationship with someone or not...

Om shanti...

Be happy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Additional notes :

Feelings always changing... It's impermanent. That's why sometimes we feel love, sometimes we don't feel love... It's normal.

Unconditional love is being kind and compassionate towards any beings without selfish desires, selfish intention, judgment, likes and dislikes, craving and aversion, expectation and attachment... It's selfless and unconditional...

There's no differences between us and everyone else. We love everyone including ourselves. There's no differences between "my" family or not "my" family, "my" friend or not "my" friend, people whom I know or don't know, people whom I like or don't like, people whom I agree with or disagree with, people whom I think they are good or not good.

And we do not expect love, gratitude and appreciation in return. There is no anger, hatred, jealousy, disappointment, unhappiness in compassionate love. Just like the sun, the air, the water, the earth and the space are always there giving and providing all the necessary elements and energy for everything to be exist in the universe, without any desires, intention or judgment or comparison or expectation or likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement... They never ask anything in return...

They don't get upset and angry or disappointed when the people polluting the earth, the water and the air. The space doesn't mind when people start to think that they "possess" the space as their own private space. The wind doesn't mind that the people harvest the wind and make money out of it... The sun doesn't get upset when people condemn the sun is too hot or too much, causing them skin cancer or skin burn... The sun has no intention to benefit anyone to be exist, nor cause anyone discomfort or painful suffering... The sun has no expectation that anyone will be grateful and thankful for its contribution for everything to be exist in the universe... (If we don't want to get skin burn or skin cancer, we take responsibility for ourselves, don't stay under the sun for too long...)

They are always there providing and giving for everything to be exist in this universe... It doesn't matter what are the reactions or judgments coming from the beings about the water is too much or too little, the air is too strong or too weak, the sun is too much or too little, the earth is too soft or too hard, the space is too big or too small...

Selfish passionate love comes with our selfish desires, intention, judgment, expectation, and possessiveness... Expect "my..." to be there for me, support me, love me, appreciate me, take care of me, to be grateful and thankful for "what I did for you and how much I love you..." and etc...

When our desires are not being gratified, when we don't get what we want from "my...", we get upset, angry, unhappy, disappointed...

Passionate love based on qualities, names and forms that I like and want. If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I like about you, then I feel love for you... If I see, hear, smell, taste, touch and think about qualities that I don't like about you, I don't feel love for you, I feel disgusting for you...

If you do things and say things that I like and agree with, I am happy and I love you... If you do things and say things that I don't like and don't agree with, I am angry and I hate you...

In selfish passionate love, we only love something that we like and agree with, but we cannot love something that we don't like and disagree with...

Compassionate love is beyond all qualities, names and forms... No love, no hate... Beyond likes and dislikes, agreement and disagreement... We don't have to love or hate anything or anyone... We accept and respect everything and everyone as it is...

If we can love "our" family, "our" friends, "our" parents, "our" siblings, "our" girlfriend or boyfriend, out of compassion, there is no unhappiness, anger or disappointment... We don't own them, and they have no obligation to love us or satisfy our desires or to make us happy... Even if someone we love doesn't love us at all, it doesn't matter... We won't feel hurt from not getting the love that we want... If we are compassionate... We don't need to get love from anyone, because we are love itself...

We have no desire for anyone to give us love... We don't need to... There are unlimited or abundance of love in us already... And we can love anyone without expectation...

That's why selfish possessive type of passionate love relationship ends up sour and bitter, full of anger, hatred, unhappiness and disappointment... It's because our desires are not being fulfilled... We didn't get what we want... The relationship didn't turn out the way that we want... "My..." didn't treat me or behave the way that I want them to treat me or behave...

You see, it's all come from what "I" want and what "I" like... We make ourselves suffer and unhappy... It's not the people that we love or people in the relationship with us that make us suffer and not happy...

Om shanti...

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this valuable article. "why a love relationship can turn sour and bitter" first we have to find out the reason behind that. i strongly believe this article help those couple who are actually facing problem in their married life.

    ReplyDelete

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Know thyself. There is no existence of 'I'. Everything is impermanent. Be free, be peaceful, be happy.

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My husband and I run ongoing yoga retreats in Langkawi Malaysia. We teach traditional Hatha Yoga - a combination of Asanas (postures) and Pranayama (breathing techniques) and relaxation, that has given benefit to millions of practitioners over thousands of years. Our yoga studio is situated in Langkawi. We also run yoga retreats in Europe and India.

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