Possessiveness, jealousy, control, self-righteousness, and hurtful behavior

One of the common habitual thinking and behavior pattern in the world of human beings under many different diversities having different qualities of names and forms is -

"I love you, you are mine."

"If I can't have you, no one else can have you."

"If I can't control you, I will destroy you."

"If you are/I am bad and wrong, I will hurt (punish) you/myself."

"If you go against (don't obey) me (my desire/wish/aspiration), I will hurt (punish) you."

"If I can't enjoy this, no one else can enjoy this."

"If I am in some kind of painful suffering, you all should also be in the same kind of painful suffering." 

All these are the synonyms of one another.

Possessiveness

Jealousy

Control

Self-righteousness 

Hurtful behavior

All are the by-products of ignorance/the idea of 'I'/egoism/restlessness.

 

This is not merely as simple as about someone is being born with certain condition of being needy or attention seeking, but upon not getting everyone and everything to be exactly the way that it desires (the urge to control and self-righteousness) or upon not getting the full attention/ownership that it desires to be getting (possessiveness and jealousy), the mind would generate hurtful behavior that would hurt itself and others or objects that it thinks and believes that it loves very much, that it thinks and believes and desires that everyone and everything that it loves, should belong to itself (and only to itself), and everyone and everything that it loves should always be in accordance to its desire towards how it wants everyone and everything should be like.

Such mind would hurt itself and others or objects that it thinks and believes that it loves very much, when some others express liking and compliment towards the people and objects that it thinks and believes that it loves very much but not really, as that hurtful behavior indicates that it doesn't love anyone or anything, not even itself, but merely 'unwittingly/unconsciously/autonomously' being the slave of the desire of craving and aversion/possessiveness/jealousy/the urge to control/self-righteousness, and impulsively generating actions and reactions that are hurtful and destructive upon ungratified desires.

There are minds that are being born with the condition of being needy and attention seeking, but they don't necessarily have the hurtful tendency/impulse/idea of hurting themselves and others or objects upon ungratified desires, as they have certain degrees of clarity of thinking and correct understanding under the presence of conscious awareness towards "Don't want to hurt anyone or anything, regardless of likable or dislikable, agreeable or disagreeable, and desirable or undesirable affairs/beings/objects/conditions/situations," or "Don't want to hurt someone or something especially the people and objects that one loves very much," even if their specific condition of neediness and attention seeking as well as their desires are not being gratified.

It is a common thinking and behavior pattern (a common mental illness/corruption under different degrees or intensity) that exists in all minds, of all age, in all fields, in all affairs, in the family ties and connection, in the relationship/interaction with other living beings/objects/experiences/activities/surrounding environment, in the social friendship, in the community, in the school, in the work place, in all kinds of organizations, in anywhere and everywhere, in the minds that think and believe and acknowledge that themselves are extremely good and righteous and superior, and in the minds that think and believe and acknowledge that themselves are bad and wrongful and inferior, and desire to be good and righteous and superior, except the minds that had conquered or transcended the selfless impermanent limited and conditional modifications of themselves, that know Thyself.

A common (natural, and yet, evitable) mind disease that manifests in oneself, that not only affects/hurts/damages oneself, but also everyone and everything and the surrounding environment that oneself comes in contact with.

However, like all kinds of names and forms, this common mental disease/corruption/hurtful behavior pattern is also selfless, impermanent, limited, conditional, and non-self, that doesn't belong to the selfless impermanent limited and conditional existence and function of the perceptive cognitive intellectual emotional thinking and acting mind that is neither good nor bad, neither pure nor impure, neither right nor wrong, neither positive nor negative, neither superior nor inferior, which can be weakened and eliminated (cured) under specific cause and pace, that can only be activated by the conscious mind itself, alone, under the presence of conscious awareness, of being conscious/acknowledging towards this hurtful thinking and behavior pattern in itself, and having the conscious freewill/desire to be free from all that, of want to stop hurting itself and others, through engaging in conscious action taking, of consciously activating the (prolonged and persevered) mind purification/silencing process under the help of certain physical and mental observations and practices, under the presence of non-grasping and non-violence or non-forcing.

A mind that is either wittingly/consciously or unwittingly/autonomously/unconsciously being possessive, jealous, controlling, self-righteous, and hurtful, can change and be free from possessiveness, jealousy, the urge to control, self-righteousness, and hurtful behavior, only if it wants to change and be free.

Inquire the truth of everything.

Dispassion and non-attachment

Dispassion and non-attachment is the essential practice of yoga and/or buddhism.

Dispassion and non-attachment doesn't mean that one doesn't love anyone.

On the contrary, one loves all and everyone unconditionally as they are, without the influence of passion, lust, desire, possessiveness, selfishness, attachment, identification, craving, aversion, comparison, judgment, expectation, likes and dislikes, agreements and disagreements, or any kind of impurities, such as dissatisfaction, disappointment, hurt, anger, hatred, jealousy, resentment, bitterness, exploitation, violence, pride and arrogance, and so on.

One doesn't need to have, or be in a relationship/family ties/relative connection/friendship with anyone, or have any physical/mental/emotional interaction with anyone, in order to show that one loves all and everyone unconditionally as they are.

It's about one stops generating thoughts, actions, and speech out of ignorance, egoism, impurities, and restlessness (dissatisfied, disappointed, disturbed, agitated, violent, angry, hating, jealous, unhappy, prideful, or suffering state of mind), under the intention of causing unnecessary damages, or inconveniences, or obstacles, or difficulties, or painful sorrow, or suffering unto anyone and anything.

One can love one's family and friends unconditionally, accepting and respecting all and everyone as they are, even if they are imperfect, but one doesn't need to be like one's family and friends, especially if they are behaving, acting, and reacting under the influence of ignorance, egoism, impurities, and restlessness.

One also doesn't need to be determined, or influenced, or disturbed, or affected by the behavior, actions, and reactions of one's family and friends that are under the influence of ignorance, egoism, impurities, and restlessness, to also behaving, acting, and reacting like any of them, even if they are one's parents, siblings, lover/spouse, best friends, or teachers, or the highly respectable or famous people.

By loving all and everyone unconditionally, accepting and respecting all and everyone being what they are, it doesn't mean that one should agree with, or support, or justify, or empower, or glorify any kind of behavior, action, and reaction of one's family and friends, or anyone, that are under the influence of ignorance, egoism, impurities, and restlessness.

Out of jealousy, or anger, or disappointment, or disagreement, or dissatisfaction, or hurt, or ungratified desires, or the disturbed state of mind, lovers/spouses, or siblings, or best friends, or parents and children, or anyone in any kind of relationship/ties/connection will hurt each other deliberately, not to say, towards some others that are not in any relationship/ties/connection with oneself.

Perform self-introspection, look into the modification of this mind, and see how this mind behaves, acts, and reacts, even if one thinks and believes and identifies oneself as a good and kind human being with great enthusiasm, aspiration, and expectation towards hoping and making the world to be a better place. And then, without any judgment, attachment, or identification towards the ignorant egoistic impure modification of the mind, inquire towards why does this mind behaving, acting, and reacting in such way, to develop correct understanding towards the mind's behavior pattern under the influence of ignorance, the idea of 'I', egoism, impurities, and restlessness, or knowing Thyself, attaining self-realization towards the truth of impermanence and selflessness.

Many minds might be having such 'confused' state of the mind that is functioning and behaving under the influence of ignorance, egoism, impurities, and restlessness, thinking and believing that oneself loves and appreciates all and everyone very much, but then, they keep behaving, acting, and reacting in the way that cause unnecessary damages and inconvenience to all and everyone, while without any awareness towards all that, and don't have any initiative to be looking after one's mental health, while thinking and believing and identifying oneself as a healthy, intelligent, knowledgeable, educated, talented, experienced, qualified, successful, good and kind, cultured/civilized, well brought up, generous, unselfish, loving and compassionate human being, while constantly craving and longing for receiving attention, acknowledgement, recognition, praise, compliment, agreement, appreciation, acceptance, validation, admiration, and affection from others towards 'I' and 'mine' that the mind recognized as 'strength' or 'accomplishment', and to be receiving understanding, tolerance, sympathy, and empathy from others towards 'I' and 'mine' that the mind recognized as 'weakness' or 'imperfection', in order to feel good, proud, confident, happy, deserving, or meaningful.

Inquire the truth of everything.

Inquire towards what we have been told to learn, believe, follow, practice, admire, aspire and become

Inquire towards everything that we have been told about this and that by everyone, including our parents, care takers, or elders, not to say, what we have been told by relatives, friends, community, famous people, successful people, wealthy people, inspirational people, powerful people, all kinds of teacher, all kinds of leader, all kinds of group, all kinds of social media influencer, content creator, advertiser, movie maker, story teller, book writer, news reporter, philosopher, researcher, activist, and etc.

Find out what are the intentions behind all kinds of saying, guidance, advice, teaching, motivational speech/story, inspirational speech/story, or sentimental speech/story, including all the teachings of yoga and/or buddhism coming from the many different lineages and teachers.

Regardless of whether it's something out of good or bad intention, it makes no difference in the path of self-inquiry and self-realization.

As if it's out of bad intention, there are things that are not necessarily incorrect or completely untrue.

Even if it's out of good intention, there are things that are not necessarily correct or completely true.

There are many made up stories and/or distorted/corrupted/incomplete/manipulated/misinterpreted/exaggerated/add on information in many things that we have been told by everyone everywhere, regardless of whether there is good or bad intention behind them, in order to be achieving certain agenda/desire/ambition.

That's why the importance of open mind (non blind-believing, non blind-following, non blind-practicing, non blind-propagating, non blind-agreeing/disagreeing), mind purification (the observation of renunciation, dispassion, seclusion, solitude, silence, the elimination of egoistic attachment, identification, desire of craving and aversion, judgment, comparison and expectation, renouncing the fruit of action, and etc), self-introspection and self-inquiry to attain direct self-realization.

Many loving parents, would have certain good but yet selfish intention to be molding/conditioning/educating/training their children to be in certain way that they think and believe as good, right, positive, successful and meaningful, and they won't feel comfortable to encourage or allow their children to investigate the truth of everything, particularly what they think and believe is the best for the children, that they want their children to learn, to believe, to follow, to value, to respect, to uphold, to practice, to be proud of and to propagate, so that their children will be influenced by and following those advice/teachings/belief/guideline to think, judge, behave, desire, act and react, and live life in certain way, to become the person that the parents think and believe is the best, where there are many things are not necessarily true, or completely true, in the process of influencing, molding and leading the children and/or the next generations to become what they think is the best.

The wise parents or teachers will only guide the children or students towards developing the essential independence for looking after themselves and being responsible for their own thinking, desire, action and reaction, and the consequences of their thinking, desire, action and reaction, and developing the ability/basic skill to investigate the truth of everything independently without the influence of any particular ancestral/cultural/social/spiritual/religious belief and disbelief or values and teachings, allowing them to be free to be growing, failing, doubting, exploring, learning, understanding, investigating, realizing and becoming what they are, as they are, without intention or expectation to be influencing, molding or expecting the children or the students to be or not to be in certain way.

When the children or the students come to the parents or the teachers, and ask, "Is this true, or not true?" The parents or the teachers don't tell them, "This is true." or "This is untrue." But telling them, "Go and find out the answer by yourself."

Just as teaching the basic skill of how to bake to people, but not giving them any specific recipes and telling them "This is the best way of baking" and "These are the best recipes," or "That is how and what you should or shouldn't be baking," while allowing everyone to explore, learn, experience and realizing many different ways of baking and finding many different recipes, failing and learning, and eventually, discovering their own ways and recipes, and/or what is best to them.

There's nothing wrong with the minds that think and believe in something that they think is right and good or very good, they will have the good intention of to be inspiring, influencing and desiring all the others to also like, agree with and appreciate that. That is what happening in the world of egoism, where people have the tendency to inspire, motivate, invite and convert as many people as possible to also take up and believe in something that they think is right and good or very good. Meanwhile, the selfless yogis are free from such intention or aspiration to be inspiring, influencing or converting all the others to also like, agree with or appreciate yoga, but merely being what they are, as they are, while allowing and respecting all and everyone whether they will be interested in yoga and appreciate yoga, or not, and whether they want to be free from ignorance and egoism to realize unconditional peace, or not.

Out of good intention, many yoga practitioners or yoga teachers who love yoga very much, who have been benefited a lot from their sincere regular yoga practice, but somehow, they are not free from ignorance and egoism yet, and hence, they would have the tendency of hoping their community/family/spouse/partner/friends/children would also be interested in yoga and practice yoga. Especially those who have children and they love their children very much, might have the natural tendency of desiring and expecting their children will also pick up yoga, love yoga, and will become great yogis.

It's okay and there's nothing wrong, if the children/spouse/partner/family/friends/community of the yoga practitioners have no interest or very little interest towards yoga, or even, have great aversion towards yoga.

It's everyone's freedom of how they want to think, judge, feel, desire, act and react towards everything as they are, and how everyone want to teach and bring up their children. There's neither right nor wrong with the different thinking that have different agreement and disagreement. However, if the mind feels annoyed, intimidated, threatened or offended upon coming in contact with something that it disagrees with, that is contradicting to its belief, values and practice, then it reflects what egoism is about.

Be free.

Feel disturbed by other people's behavior that the mind thinks as 'inappropriate' or 'wrong'?

There's nothing wrong with people feel disturbed by and be unhappy about other people's behavior that the minds think as 'inappropriate' or 'wrong', that are different from one's cultural practice and belief.

Those who practice yoga are aware of the different types of behavior that the minds think as 'inappropriate' or 'wrong', that are different from one's cultural practice and belief, but they will not be disturbed by it or be unhappy about it.

Go beyond the conditioned worldly thinking and belief. Allow all the worldly thinking and beliefs to be there and to be what they are, but without attachment or identification, craving or aversion towards any of these worldly thinking and belief, no matter how 'good' or 'bad' the mind think they are.

The truth is always here as it is, when the mind is free from being conditioned by worldly thinking and belief.

See how the ego reacts, and tame this ego, not other people's thinking, belief and behavior.

If one doesn't know this, and is constantly reacting with craving or aversion towards all the perceptions of names and forms whether wittingly or unwittingly, be disturbed by what the mind doesn't like and doesn't agree with, and trying to 'influence' or 'control' or 'change' other people's thinking, belief and behavior, then even though one might thinks one loves yoga and is practicing yoga for a period of time by doing some form of yoga practice, but one is not practicing yoga at all.

Everyone is free to think, believe and behave about how they want to think, believe and behave, whether they practice yoga, or not. Or whether those who practice yoga are truly practicing yoga, or not. If people think they rather be disturbed by things that they don't like and don't agree with than to have peace, and that they prefer not to practice yoga, but be happy with the restless mind of dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, bitterness, hatred, envy, defensiveness, offensiveness, fear and worry, that is their freedom.

There's no intention to 'influence' or to 'inspire' anyone to improve, or to be better, or to do good and be good, or to be free from suffering, the teachings of selflessness and compassion are being disseminated without attachment and identification, but allowing everyone whether to develop their own awareness and realization of selflessness and compassion, or not.

Be free.

Self-introspection and self-discipline

None, not even our 'beloved teachers', can perform introspection for our minds to purify our impure minds, but oneself.

People might can perform research and study about other people's mind behavior, but none can remove the defects and impurities from one's mind, but oneself.

If one is capable of being aware of the pleasant and unpleasant thought activities, feelings, emotions, actions and reactions, desires, clinging, craving, aversion, and all sorts of impurities like anger, hatred, lust, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment, fear and worry, and so on, then one is capable to perform self-introspection towards the thought current/activities/behavior, and perform self-inquiry into the truth of the mind and its modifications, without the need of attending 'yoga classes', without the need of supervision from a 'teacher'.

One needs to have self-discipline and perseverance to perform self-practice of self-introspection and self-inquiry on daily basis. It's checking the impurities of the mind, and safe-guarding the mind from worldly influences and distractions.

If after studying and learning the basic teachings and practice of yoga and meditation from a teacher for some time, one still gives oneself some 'excuses' about being reluctant to perform yoga and meditation practice by oneself, alone, such like -

"I don't know how to perform my yoga practice without the presence of a teacher giving me instructions on what I am supposed to be doing."

"I am lazy or demotivated or don't like to be doing yoga practice or any other beneficial activities by myself, alone, without the company of some 'friends'. I feel lonely without the 'social elements' of practicing in a group with some other people." Some people don't like being in silence with oneself even for a short period of time, without any social interaction with some other people.

"I get bored doing the same type of yoga practice repeatedly for some time." Such like, some people would feel annoyed by hearing or chanting the same chanting over and over again.

"I don't like the practice of self-introspection and self-inquiry as it shows the defects of my impure mind, and that hurts my ego and breaking the 'nice' and 'beautiful' self-image that I would like to project onto myself or to be identified with as This is who I am."

"I don't have the discipline or motivation to perform the yoga practice by myself but I have to attend 'yoga classes' to be doing some forms of 'yoga practice' as it is more 'motivating', 'interesting', 'interacting', 'fun' and 'enjoyable' with the company of some other people and under some 'motivational instructions' of a 'teacher'." Some people (the ego) rely on other people's feedback about their performance, to receive encouragement, praise and compliment, and by attaining good result or achievement, to feel confident or to feel good about themselves.

Then we are not really practicing yoga, even though we might have been attending different brand names, levels and styles of 'yoga classes', learning and doing some yoga exercises and yoga poses regularly for some time.

It's all about our own practice, it's not about how and what other people practice...

Yoga practice is a self-cultivation through one's effort, self-control and self-discipline based on one's temperament, characteristics, needs and requirements. It has nothing to do with how much or how often other people perform their practice, or what do other people practice or don't practice, or how other people perform their practice, or what do other people achieve from their own practice.

We can't even compare with, or try to imitate the people who teach and guide us to perform our yoga practice (our yoga teachers). How do the teachers perform their practice, or what the teachers practice or don't practice, and what do the teachers achieve in their own practice, has nothing to do with the students own practice and achievements. It is not about the teacher being a role model, so that we can become like the teacher.

Just like medical treatments or prescriptions. Every patient is not necessarily having the same type of disease, nor will be receiving the same type of treatment or prescription. A doctor cannot prescribe one single treatment and drug for all types of disease, nor give the same dosage of drug for everyone with different types of condition. It is based on individual conditions, needs and reactions towards the medical treatments and prescriptions. And the doctor's personal health condition has nothing to do with the patients' health conditions.

By looking at other people eating some food, doesn't remove our hunger. What other people can digest with their body, and how other people react towards the same food, has nothing to do with our own digestion and reaction towards the same food.

By looking at and knowing about the teachers' yoga practice doesn't remove our ignorance, egoism and attachment, nor make us be free from suffering and unhappiness.

Om shanti.

"Do you think non-attachment is possible?"

"Do you think non-attachment is possible?" Someone asked.

What if somebody tells us "No."

Does this prove to us that non-attachment is impossible, or unrealistic, or impractical? Nope.

What if somebody tells us "Yes."

Does this guarantee and assure us that we will be free from doubts, attachment, egoism and ignorance, and will not be disturbed, nor affected, nor influenced, nor determined by all the qualities of names and forms? Nope.

What if somebody tells us "It depends on each individual's effort and determination to purify the mind, to free the mind from all kinds of desires, restlessness, egoism and ignorance, to turn the mind inward, to allow the mind to perceive the truth of names and forms as they are, without being contaminated nor influenced by any impurities or conditioned and limited thinking and beliefs. Only through oneself realizing the truth of things as they are, not being influenced by any thinking and beliefs in the mind, then naturally one doesn't even need to practice non-attachment, as there won't be any attachment towards any names and forms will arise in the liberated mind."

Will this answer clear all our doubts and make all our attachment, fear and worry disappear? Nope.


It doesn't matter what answer we get,  we will still need to find out the answer of our doubts, or find out the truth through our own effort, through our own direct experience and realize the truth by ourselves, to clear all our doubts.

Whether other people or our teacher is completely be free from ignorance, egoism and attachment or not, it's nothing to do with our own practice of letting go of attachment, nor has anything to do with our own realization of the truth, or our own liberation from ignorance, egoism and attachment.
That's why in (serious) silent meditation retreat, we are basically being on our own to contemplate upon the truth, through observing noble silence throughout the entire retreat. There's no conversation, nor interaction, nor discussion about this and that. Talking and discussing about non-attachment doesn't free us from ignorance, egoism and attachment, nor will give us liberation.

Whatever doubts we have, the only answer that will remove all our doubts is to turn the outgoing mind inward, and find the answer from within, and it's not coming from somebody else telling us about what they know or don't know, nor it's coming from reading books with all the information about this and that.

Even if a liberated being is right in front of us, and talks to us about Dharma (The truth), it still won't remove our doubts or ignorance, unless we realize the truth by ourselves, through our own effort of self-inquiry or contemplation.

Silent the mind, and meditate...

Om shanti.

Yoga retreat?

'Retreat' is a period of special time and space of solitude and seclusion for the mind to be with itself, to retreat from worldly social interactive activities, to allow the mind to have the opportunity to move away from restlessness and its usual habits, to turn the outgoing tendency of the mind inwards for introspection, for self-inquiry, to know its-Self, even if there are other people being in the same retreat.

Real (yoga and meditation) retreats are not designed for socializing or mingling. It's an opportunity for us to practice solitude. As solitude is an important element in conquest of mind or fear. Some minds are fear of being with people, they want to be alone to feel safe. While some minds are fear of being alone, they want to be surrounded by or interacting with some other minds all the time. But both of them also is about fear. Fear derives from ignorance and attachment. There's no peace in the mind, always thinking that something bad is going to happen, or somebody is going to hurt us, either when we are alone, or when we are being with some other people. There is so much tension in the mind and vibrating into the surrounding environment.

If we are afraid of being with ourselves even just for a few days, and 'have to' cling onto other people in the retreat all the time, please be considerate that we need to learn how to respect other people in the retreat centre who purposely coming here to have their own solitude time and space for themselves for some personal practice in seclusion, as what the retreat is all about. We could be disturbing other people's precious time and space to be with themselves and focusing on their own practice in the retreat centre.

We cannot expect everyone to be understanding towards this simple and basic principle about 'retreat'. As there are many other yoga retreats in the world that are not really about silencing the mind for self-inquiry, but it's more like commercialized luxury pleasurable enjoyment and socializing kind of yoga holidays.

In the end, it's about compassion. Being compassionate towards those who are influenced by ignorance and whose mind is out of their own control, and being over-powered by fear towards many things. Yoga and meditation practice are here for beings who have fear, to learn to deal with fear, and to let go of fear. But, most of us refuse to confront with the fear in us, and choose to avoid what we are fear of. Actually, there are many spiritual/religious/cultural/social/educational/political teachings, thinking, belief and values emphasize on planting 'fear' in the mind in order to control human beings to behave or not behaving in certain way complying with those teachings, thinking, belief and values in order to empowering and sustaining their particular spirituality/religion/culture/society/educational system/politics.

 

Inquire towards the truth of everything. Do not blind-believing, blind-following, blind-practicing and blind-propagating anything.

Most importantly, it is being compassionate towards ourselves if our minds are still under the influence of certain fear and still couldn't let go of fear, but with awareness, and without attachment, identification or aversion towards the presence of fear. All is impermanent. The one who perceives fear and the fear itself, are both impermanent.

Om shanti.