My life stories - Part 6
Stories from my past memories - childhood, family, friends, growing up, poverty, integrity, dreams come true, finding peace and happiness, Buddhism, Yoga, and now...
(Updated November 2020)
I continued my journey of yoga and Buddhism after the library finished.
One day in April 2004, my employer from a dance studio where I had
been teaching aerobics classes for many years had called me in the
afternoon and asked me if it was possible for me to teach a yoga
exercise class for her that evening. The yoga teacher couldn’t make it
and it wasn’t the first time. Somehow, I was free that evening, even
though I was always busy with teaching classes every day. I took up the
offer because it meant extra money for me. I had to continue to support
my parents after I came back from the world sport aerobics championship
in France. I had to teach many classes every day to make a living at
that time. The pay for aerobics instructor wasn’t very high.
I taught some yoga exercise classes in the past before, but not for
long. I wasn’t interested at all in teaching yoga exercise classes in
the beginning of my fitness career. Yoga exercise class was really
boring for me. I was more interested in disco dancing and vibrant cardio
fitness exercises with energetic music. That was why I enjoyed doing
and teaching aerobics dance very much.
At that time, many of the yoga poses were being criticized as
exercises contradicted with the rules and regulations for safe exercise
of the fitness teaching industry. Lots of the yoga poses would be
categorized as dangerous physical positions with high risk of injury. I
didn’t think that I would be teaching yoga one day. Of course, there’s a
huge difference between teaching yoga and teaching yoga exercise
classes. We might be doing some yoga poses every day, but it doesn’t
mean that we are practicing yoga. Vice versa, we might not be doing any
yoga poses every day, but it doesn’t mean that we are not practicing
yoga.
There was a situation in Malaysia around thirty five years ago, where
the yoga teachers criticized the aerobics exercises were harmful to the
physical body and the aerobics instructors criticized the yoga poses
were inflicting serious physical injuries. There were many women came to
ask me why did the yoga people said that aerobics dance could cause
their uterus to drop? There were rumours circulating in the fitness
industry that doing yoga exercises could cause serious neck injuries,
back problems, knee problems, blindness, stroke and some other
side-effects. It was like a war of criticism between the aerobics
fitness industry and the yoga industry for attacking their competitor,
to get the people from the other side to support their products and
services. As well as the aerobics instructors and the yoga instructors
also tried to protect their source of income to get more people to join
their classes and stop their existing clients from leaving to join other
exercise classes by saying bad things about some other types of
exercise that they don’t teach.
Sort of like a political game that many politicians play to harvest
support of the people by attacking their opponents by saying many bad
things about them, instead of constantly improving their contributions
and services to the people to win more support from the people, they
attack their opponents to bring down their reputation with slanders, to
stop the people from supporting their opponents.
We can’t put traditional yoga asana practice and aerobics dance
exercise in the same category, or apply the same rules and regulations
on them. They are completely two different forms of practice. Yoga asana
practice is very slow pace, gentle, stilled body positions, very few
repetitive movements, non-competitive and almost without impact.
Meanwhile aerobics dance exercises are fast pace, violent, lots of high
speed repetitive movements, competitive and with much higher impact.
Above all, yoga asana practice is not about fitness training, although
it enhances people’s health and fitness level as one of the by-products
when it’s being practiced regularly. There’s nothing wrong when people
use the yoga asana exercises as a form of fitness training. Just that
enhanced physical health and fitness level have nothing to do with the
realization of unconditional love and peace. One can be very healthy and
fit physically, but the mind might not be free from ignorance, egoism,
impurities and suffering.
I honestly told the students in that replacement yoga class that I
wasn’t a trained or certified yoga teacher, but I knew some yoga poses
that I could guide them as an exercise class. I didn’t know that yoga
was about self-evolution, peace and compassion, which wasn’t any
different from the teachings and practice of Buddhism. I thought yoga
was just some stretching exercises originated from India to promote good
health, fitness and beauty. That was what I learned from the yoga
classes at the yoga and aerobics dance academy in Petaling Jaya. In
those forty five minutes yoga exercise classes, they only taught some
yoga poses as a form of physical exercise and never talked about any
yoga teachings or philosophy at all.
When the replacement yoga class finished, the response from the
students was very good and the majority of them had requested me to
teach them once a week of yoga exercise class. I told them again that I
was only a qualified aerobics instructor and that I wasn’t a yoga
teacher, but they said they didn’t mind. Meanwhile my boss was very
happy that the students loved my class very much and she would be happy
to arrange a yoga class for me to teach.
And hence, I started teaching yoga exercise classes once a week and
getting higher pay than from teaching aerobics classes. Initially my
intention for teaching yoga classes was to earn more money. But very
soon that intention was gone and replaced with gratitude and loving
kindness to share yoga with many others, even though I received payment
for teaching yoga classes. There’s nothing wrong with getting payment in
the form of money or fees for conducting yoga classes. It’s ignorance
when people think and believe that ‘asking for donation’ is okay, but
‘being paid in the form of fees’ is not okay.
I learned that there’s a huge difference between the aerobics
students and the yoga students. The behavior of the people and the
atmosphere of the classes was very different. It was calm and peaceful
in the yoga class and everyone seemed to be happy and content. I myself,
was calmed, relaxed and refreshed after teaching a yoga class. I could
feel the energy in my body was vibrating differently from teaching
aerobics classes.
One day, one of the yoga exercise class students doubted my
qualification and asked me what type of yoga I was teaching and what
were the Sanskrit names of the yoga poses and what were their benefits? I
was very honest, and told her that I didn’t know what type of yoga it
was, and I guessed the yoga exercises were to promote good health,
fitness and beauty, and I didn’t even know what were the names of the
yoga poses in English, not to say, in Sanskrit.
At that time, I didn’t feel bad at all for being questioned about my
qualification because I knew I wasn’t a yoga teacher. I didn’t pretend
to be one. But that little conversation had initiated a strong desire in
me to look for a yoga school to learn yoga. I wanted to know what yoga
is. I wanted to teach yoga classes because I thought they were very good
for me and everyone, and I wanted to be a responsible yoga teacher.
In the end, we will realize that whether what type of yoga that we
do, or what are the names of the yoga poses whether in Sanskrit or in
other languages, or what type of benefits of the yoga poses, are
irrelevant to whether we will be free from ignorance and suffering and
realize unconditional peace, or not.
Besides teaching once a week of yoga exercise class at that dance
studio, I also conducted a few yoga exercise classes at my own studio,
where the response was very good as well. This had encouraged me deeper
to pursue my wish to learn all and everything about yoga. I am thankful
to everyone who had been influencing me, supporting me and encouraging
me to learn and practice yoga.
It was September 2004. My sport aerobics mentor cum partner helped me
to search the internet for Sivananda Ashram in India which was
recommended by a yoga teacher in Singapore.
I was in Singapore for a couple of weeks to update myself on the
latest aerobics dance exercises in one of the famous fitness clubs in
Singapore. They started with one fitness studio and then they had maybe
seven branches everywhere in Singapore within a few years. The lady boss
was a very smart and kindhearted person. She liked me very much and
wanted to employ me as her instructor when we met for the first time,
but I wasn’t interested to work in Singapore. Once every two or three
years, I went there to update myself by attending different types of
fitness classes under many different fitness instructors. It also
allowed me to have a break and not getting burnout from teaching classes
all the time. That year, I attended most of the yoga classes as well,
which I never did before in the past years. I never thought that one day
I would be teaching yoga or practicing yoga. Unfortunately, many of the
yoga teachers there didn’t know what they were doing. They had to keep
looking at a notebook while giving the instructions to the students in
the yoga classes. But then there was a particular yoga teacher who
actually knew what she was doing, and I felt the calmness flowing
through her that spread over everyone in the class, including me. And
so, I asked her for advice about where I could go to learn yoga. She
didn’t say much, but just gave me a name ‘Sivananda’. But that was
already helpful enough.
I didn’t have a computer and never surfed the internet before. I knew
nothing about information technology. I didn’t have an email account.
My mentor said that he could help me to search the internet for
‘Sivananda’. He found the website for International Sivananda Yoga
Vedanta Ashram in Kerala, South India, and printed out the registration
form for me. Without any hesitation, or tried to look for some other
yoga schools to compare, immediately I filled up the form and sent it
off with the 300 USD deposit the next day, hoping to get a place for the
yoga teachers training course starting in January 2005. The 300 USD was
all the savings I had at that time. But I didn’t worry about how I
could get the rest of the money.
I needed more than 15,000 Ringgit for me to go to India – the course
fee, the return flight ticket, the money for my parents and my car
installment. My mother was ill at that time. She had a stroke for the
third time and became paralyzed. Every month, I gave 1,800 Ringgit to my
parents and left a few hundred Ringgit for my own living. Knowing that
my sister might take away the money that I gave to my parents to pay her
debts and bills, we didn’t tell my sister how much money I gave to my
parents every month. Only my uncle knew about this because sometimes I
passed the money to him to bring to my parents who were living with my
sister in another town about an hour drive from where I lived.
Though initially I didn’t have all the money for the rest of the
course fee, I never asked the Ashram to give me any discount, or asked
for any special rates.
There are many people involved in running the Ashram and the courses.
They contribute their time and effort in making the courses to be
available to the people. The existence and operation of the Ashram need
to be maintained by labour and money. The fees that we give to the
Ashram is supporting the Ashram to be able to continue doing what they
are doing – giving opportunities to many people to come to the Ashram to
learn and practice yoga. It isn’t about give and take. It’s not about
paying some fees or working as a volunteer for the Ashram in exchange
for something that we want in return. When people volunteer to work in
the Ashram is not about in exchange for free food and accommodation and
free yoga classes, or to gain credits of working and teaching
experiences to put into their profile as experienced yoga teacher who
had been working and teaching in an ashram, though many people come to
the Ashram are with such intention. It’s merely performing selfless
service without selfish intentions and desires, without expecting
anything in return, to eliminate the ego and egoism.
At that time, people need to pay 200 USD per month to the Ashram if
they want to live and work as volunteers in the Ashram. It’s not about
what can I get from paying some fees to you or volunteering for your
organization. There’s no guarantee that after we paid the fees or
volunteering for the ashram, we will attain peace and happiness, and be
free from ignorance and suffering.
People who are volunteering in the Ashram aren’t perfect either. If
we feel disturbed by their imperfection it isn’t because they are not
good enough or they didn’t do things right, but it’s because we expect
them to be perfect, to be the way that we think they should be. We are
disappointed by our own expectation that they should be wise and
compassionate beings in order to work in the Ashram. But they are just
like everyone else who try to do their best for themselves and others.
They also will have bad days and bad moods. They also need other people
to be patient and compassionate towards them for being imperfect.
My mentor didn’t only help me in making my dreams come true, but he
had also helped me in the connection with yoga. The first few emails
between the Ashram and me were sent through his email address. He would
inform me whenever the ashram sent me an email and he would reply the
email for me. For all that he had done for me without asking anything in
return, I am always grateful and indebted to him. He also looked after
me when I was in financial difficult moments where my income from
teaching aerobics classes wasn’t enough to support my family. He would
pay for my food when we ate together after our sport aerobics training
sessions.
Sometimes my brothers would borrow money from me for them to have
food to eat. During the worst days, I gave all my scarce savings to my
brother who had no money for food, and I was using the coins in my piggy
bank to get my own food. Less than two hundred Ringgit of coins was all
that I had for the month until I get my next pay, and that was enough
for me to survive for one whole month, just by eating cheap bread
mostly.
I decided to close down the aerobics dance studio before I left for
India. I called my cousin in Singapore and asked him if he could lend me
a few thousand Ringgit if I didn’t manage to get enough money by
January. Though he wasn’t rich he said he would help me out if I needed
the money, but it turned out that I didn’t have to borrow any money from
him or anyone at all.
Not long after I made the phone call to my cousin, some students
started to recommend me to teach yoga classes and aerobics classes in
some other studios. From my usual income about two thousand five hundred
Ringgit a month, it had increased to about seven thousand Ringgit for
the next three months. I had earned the biggest amount of money that I
had ever earned before. Though I had to work very hard by teaching a lot
more classes within that few months, I managed to save enough money to
go to India.
A few weeks after I sent in my registration form, the people in the
ashram informed me that I was confirmed a place and that I should
prepare myself by reading the Bhagavad Gita. I had no idea what it was
and I didn’t know where to get it. A few days later, an Indian woman
came to join my aerobics classes. I talked to her about my wish to study
yoga in India and asked her if she knew anything about the Bhagavad
Gita. She told me that her husband was a direct disciple of Swami
Sivananda since he was a little boy, and he had been studying the
Bhagavad Gita every day. She told me that he would be happy to lend me
the book.
It was two months before the course. I got the book of Bhagavad Gita
commented by Swami Sivananda (published in 1989) which I finished
reading within a few days. It had touched my heart deeply. I could
naturally understand and resonate with all the teachings in the Bhagavad
Gita. I realized that the teachings of yoga wasn’t any different from
the teachings of Buddhism. It was what I always believing in and
practicing all the time. This realization had strengthened my faith in
the path of yoga and Buddhism, and had no fear to go to India for the
first time alone by myself.
My departure flight to India was just two weeks after the deadly
tsunami which hit Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka, the Andaman Islands,
Thailand and Northern Malaysia on the 26th of December 2004 that caused
so much damages and casualties. Many people said that it was a bad
timing to go to India as there would be many diseases brewing not long
after the tsunami. But it didn’t stop me from going. I was determined.
Initially the course was fully booked for more than two hundred
participants, but many people didn’t turn up or had cancelled their trip
to India because of the tsunami. And so, there were about one hundred
and sixty something people turned up for the course. My husband, whom I
haven’t met at that time, actually was on the waiting list, and he got a
place in the end because of the many cancellations. That was also how
we got to know each other while attending the same course.
There was purification process happening in our body and mind when we
went through intensive learning and practicing yoga in an intensive
course like that. There were past accumulated physical, emotional and
mental blockages being released during the course. Different people
experienced different types of purification. Most people cried a lot.
Some of them went to the teacher asking for explanation because they
didn’t understand why they feel like crying after the yoga practice even
though they weren’t unhappy about anything. Some people got very
impatient and agitated about many things. Some people had diarrhea,
while others had constipation. Some people kept missing classes because
they felt physically and mentally exhausted from the intensive practice
and the disciplined daily schedule. Some of the students would get angry
with the teachers when they didn’t get what they want and like. Some
people strongly disagreed with the teachings of yoga because they had
strong attachment and identification with their own thinking and belief
that were different from the teachings of yoga, and they even shouted at
the teachers with bad words in front of the class. There was so much
anger and hatred in these people. Again, that’s their freedom for what
they wanted to think and feel, act and react, and it was part of the
purification process as well.
Yoga is about attaining peace and harmony in oneself through
opening the mind while respecting many other different types of thinking and belief that are
co-existing in the world, even if we can’t agree with them. We don’t
have to agree with them, but we don’t have to be disturbed, or angry and
hating either. But for many people, they believe that only their
particular way of thinking and belief are right and good, while any
other thinking and belief that are different from theirs, are wrong and
bad. They get irritated, angry and hating other people for being
different from them. Those who understand the mind won’t be disturbed by
them, but wishing them be free from anger and hatred, and have peace
and harmony.
Some people left the course halfway because they didn’t agree with
the teachings and they were really unhappy to be continuing the course.
They came to learn yoga but it wasn’t the yoga that they were looking
for. They wanted to learn yoga that wasn’t yoga. Some people even
insisted that the yoga being taught in the Ashram is not real yoga, but
the yoga exercise classes that they attended at home that didn’t talk
about any yoga teachings is real yoga. People can think and say what
they want, and manipulate yoga into something that they prefer, but yoga
is still yoga. While some others left the course because they didn’t
want to go through the unpleasant purification process, and some felt
that it was too intense for them to follow all the disciplines. In the
end there were around one hundred and fifty five people had completed
the course.
I was sick for the first three weeks, but I never missed any
classes. I didn’t ask for any medicine or go to a doctor. I knew that it
was part of the purification process. I just observed and endured the
inconvenience and discomforts coming from being sick during that three
weeks.
One evening after dinner, I was studying the teachings of yoga in the
office area as there was better lighting in the office than in the
dormitory. There was also a proper bench and desk to do some writing.
And then there were a few female students came in to see the teacher.
They had some problems with some other yoga students that they wanted to
complain to the teacher. The teacher looked at me, and then told them,
“Look at her. She looks after herself. She doesn’t need to come to the
teacher to complain about anything.”
After I came back from India, I found the Chinese version of the
Bhagavad Gita on my book shelf. It was given to me more than sixteen
years ago as a present from an ex-aerobics student. I never had any
interest at all to pick up that book to read, but somehow I still kept
it on my book shelf. Then only I realized that the Bhagavad Gita (the
essence of yoga) was always with me, but I didn’t know. And now, this
Chinese version of the Bhagavad Gita is with somebody who is at the
right time to have it.
I wasn’t a person who like to read books. I only read books about
Dhamma. I read many of Swami Sivananda’s books after I came back to
Malaysia, and they were all strongly connected to my heart. It was like a
direct teaching from Swami Sivananda. Like all the other Dhamma
teachers I had never met in person, I always feel that he/the teachings/Dhamma and any other form of teacher is with me all
the time, guiding me in silence. The Dhamma passes through this body
and mind to other beings who need guidance to find their way back to
their nature of unconditional love and peace.
Some people appreciate my classes, while some others might criticize
my classes and myself as a person for being very hard or intense,
because I practice and teach about depriving the ego and elimination of
egoism. It makes no difference to me whether people compliment or
criticize me. Everyone has the freedom to like or dislike anybody and
anything. That’s their freedom of thinking, action and speech. Those
with strong ego and attached strongly onto certain qualities of name and
form to be identifying as who they are, and they take pride in being
who they think they are, they don’t like to hear the teachings of yoga
about eliminating the ego. But I don’t and can’t teach what other people
expect me to teach, and I can’t not teach what other people don’t like
and don’t want to learn or practice. I teach yoga. Everyone who comes
for the yoga classes is learning how to identify the ego and let go of
the ego. Of course, it’s up to their own free will whether they want to
practice yoga as it is, or not. I can only tell the students if there
are some teachings or practice that they don’t like and don’t agree
with, that they don’t want to learn or practice, they don’t have to
learn or practice them and they can just put them aside. If one day they
think they want to take up those teachings and practice, then they can
come back for them.
If people don’t like to practice yoga about letting go of the ego,
attachment and identification, and the desire of craving and aversion,
no one can force them. The teachings of yoga teach about respecting
everyone’s freedom of thinking, actions and speech, for what they want
to do with themselves, their lives, their bodies and minds. Everyone
takes the responsibility for the consequences of their own actions and
inactions, for what they believe and disbelieve, for what they want and
don’t want. No one can control or purify other’s mind. It is up to
everyone’s own effort and free will to control and purify one’s mind.
The teachings of yoga never condemn anyone who doesn’t like and disagrees with the
teachings of yoga, or who doesn’t want to practice yoga as it is, or who
misunderstands about yoga, or who criticizes yoga. Anyone can take up
any yoga practice and practice anyway that they like, or do whatever
they like with yoga, or they can stop practicing yoga for any reasons.
There’s no condemn, or sin, or punishment.
Those who practice yoga, they don’t condemn or criticize. Vice versa,
those who condemn and criticize out of self-righteousness, they don’t
practice yoga. We share yoga out of compassion, not out of egoism
thinking that “Yoga is good for everyone. Everyone should practice yoga
and should practice properly in a particular way, or else, they are
insulting the sacredness and purity of yoga.”
One type of medicine may cure a person’s illness but may not
necessarily has the same effect on another person with the same illness,
or would it cure some other form of illnesses. People react differently
towards the same medicine and have different tolerance towards certain
side-effects of that medicine which appear differently on different
people. Some people may be a good friend for many others, but may not be
a good partner or good parent. There are people dislike and disagree
with the teaching and practice of yoga. That is their freedom. We can’t
expect or force everyone to like yoga and practice yoga as it is. There
are people who never heard about the teachings of yoga and don’t do any
yoga practice in a particular name and form, but they are selfless,
compassionate and peaceful beings. And if yoga is something sacred and
pure, how can it be insulted or contaminated by anything at all?
Some people kept modifying the traditional yoga practices into many
different new styles and versions to suit the preferences of what people
like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want. Though there’s
nothing wrong with that in terms of business marketing strategy,
customer service and commercial value, but then the yoga teachers are
not really teaching yoga, and the students are not really practicing
yoga. Instead, it is empowering the ego and egoism, attachment,
identification, desires of craving and aversion, worldly thinking, ideas
and habits of the egoistic mind. When we practice yoga, we stop giving
the egoistic mind what it likes and wants. No doubt that sharing yoga is
about sharing love and happiness. Yoga teachers are there to guide the
yoga students on how to attain unconditional love and happiness by
letting go the egoistic desires of craving and aversion. It’s not about
giving them what they like and want, or don’t give them what they don’t
like and don’t want, to gratified their desires of craving and aversion,
to make them feel pleased, loved, satisfied and happy. They feel
satisfied and happy is because they are getting something that they like
and want, and not getting anything that they don’t like and don’t want.
It’s conditional. It doesn’t help them to be free from the desires of
craving and aversion, to realize unconditional peace and happiness. Once
they don’t get what they like and want, and are getting something that
they don’t like and don’t want, they will feel dissatisfied,
disappointed, unhappy, or miserable. This is moving away from what yoga
is about.
It isn’t a pleasant experience when one learns the truth of one’s
impure egoistic mind. Most people would want to run away. Those who have
the courage to confront the impurities in the mind will also need
intense discipline and will-power to purify the mind. The mind
purification process requires tremendous patience, perseverance,
determination, tolerance, forbearance, forgiveness, adjustment,
adaptation, accommodation and acceptance. The entire practice is all
about letting go of the egoism, attachment, identification, desires of
craving and aversion, and eventually seeing the truth of things as they
are, being free from ignorance and suffering. All these teachings and
practices seem to be anti-social and unpractical in the modern society
for the worldly minded people.
Even when some people think that they love yoga and like to practice
yoga, but actually what they really love is what they like and want, and
what they can get from yoga. There’s nothing wrong with this either.
There are many different paths in yoga to suit many people with
different personalities and temperaments. But in the end, all are
leading us back to oneness or non-separateness. If some people wanted to
do yoga that is easy and pleasant for the egoistic mind, there’s
nothing wrong with that. Enjoy doing the easy and pleasant yoga, and be
happy. If people aren’t interested in attaining liberation from
ignorance and suffering, that’s their freedom.
Teaching yoga is not about trying to convince other people to believe
in the teachings of yoga, or to persuade other people to like yoga and
practice yoga in certain way. It’s not about recruiting many people to
be our yoga students and joining our yoga classes, or to set as an
example for others to imitate and become like us, or to build a yoga
empire of certain brand. The students of yoga shouldn’t follow or
imitate the teacher, or blind-believe in the teachings of yoga or what
the teacher taught them. It’s guiding the students to be free from
egoism, and allowing them to take their own pace to be free from
attachment and identification towards any thinking and belief, including
the teachings of yoga, to investigate into the truth of everything and
to attain self-realization. Everyone may or may not need some guidance,
but it’s up to everyone’s free will to change their own thinking and
behavior by developing self-control and self-discipline over their own
thoughts, actions and speech, to stop hurting themselves and others out
of ignorance. The teacher doesn’t and can’t control or change the
students, but can only give them guidance and support. The teacher and
the student will meet at the right time, at the right place, naturally,
when the time has come, without the influence of egoistic selfish
desires.
There’s nothing wrong when people think that when they feel unhappy,
angry, hurt and disappointed is nothing to do with their own ignorance
and egoism, but instead, they think it’s everyone and everything that
they come in contact with, that are bad and wrong, that cause them
unhappiness and suffering. There’s nothing wrong when people believe or
disbelieve in God. It is everyone’s freedom of thought, actions and
speech. But when one starts to have strong attachment and identification towards what they think and believe, there will be separateness,
discrimination, prejudice, hatred, violence, fear and unrest in their
minds towards others who are different from them. Some people even enjoy
being angry and violent. They won’t feel good unless they get angry and
violent.
I came back to Malaysia after the yoga teacher training course,
finished all my savings, without any money left to buy food. Some of my
students knew that I came home with no money left and they invited me to
eat at their home and also brought me out for food for many days. But,
very soon I started earning my livelihood again by teaching classes at
home and some other dance and fitness studios. I continued to teach
aerobics classes and yoga classes, but with deeper understanding about
yoga. I also immersed myself into regular yoga practice.
In February 2006, I went back for the advance teachers training course
which was designed more for developing understanding, self-reliance, discipline and perseverance in
our own personal practice, or Sadhana, than to teach classes,
which was another great learning process for me. Many people, including
most of the teachers training courses providers, would think that by
attending, completing and graduating from the advance teachers training
course will provide training for people to teach ‘advance yoga practice’
and give them the title of ‘advance yoga teacher’ who are being
qualified and authorized to teach ‘advance yoga class’. That’s their
freedom of thinking and desire.
Again, somehow I managed to save enough money, which was about 18,000
Ringgit, to go to India for four months this time.
Coincidentally, I met my husband again in the same course and we went
travelling together in India after the teachers training course, to
learn more yoga and meditation from other schools and teachers. We
attended a three weeks long yoga course with Iyengar teachers, Swati and
Rajiv Chanchani, in Dehradun. We also attended Vipassana silent
meditation retreat in Dehradun after the Iyengar yoga course. During
this meditation retreat, I went through a very intense purification
process where lots of pimples broke out on my whole body and my face as
well. I didn’t bother about it. It had lasted for one and a half years
before it cleared out from my system completely.
We also went to Gangotri, Rishikesh and Dharamsala after completed the courses.
On the way to Gangotri, we stayed a night at the Gangnani hot
springs. We wanted to do the pilgrimage walk towards Gaumukh from
Gangotri along the hilly paths of the mountains, but my husband felt
sick after about three hours walk. He wanted to go back to the hotel in
Gangotri to take rest and he asked me to follow the other pilgrims to
continue walking towards Gaumukh, and he would wait for me at the hotel.
I couldn’t let him going back by himself as he was complaining
dizziness and fatigue. And so, I insisted to go back with him, taking
over the backpack he was carrying, and slowly we walked back to
Gangotri. On the way, I told my husband that I wished to see snowing, as
I never saw it before. And surprisingly a few minutes later, snowflakes started falling down from the sky. By the time we arrived at our
hotel, the weather became bad where hailstorm were raging.
We were lucky to have come back down to Gangotri that day and didn’t
continue our walk. There were others pilgrims came back later in the
evening, all wet and tired, and it was freezing cold below zero degree.
Some of the women were trembling in shock, as they were caught in the
hailstorm and there were landslides and rocks falling down in front of
them. And they had to turn back as the path was blocked by huge rocks.
We didn’t stay the night at Gangotri in the end, as it was too cold and
the half-built hotel didn’t have a heater. We went back to Gangnani hot
springs to stay the night instead. We also visited the Sivananda Kutir
in Uttarkashi on the way to Rishikesh the next day.
My husband and I got very sick from food poisoning that lasted for a
month from the first day we arrived in Delhi after we left the Sivananda
Ashram, where both of us took turn to take care of each other at our
worst condition. We knew each other a lot more during that two and a
half months traveling together, which led my husband came to Malaysia to
be with me in 2007, and we got married in 2008.
My husband had left India before me, as he had to go back to France
working for a refuge in the Pyrenees. I had another two weeks in India
by myself before my flight back to Kuala Lumpur. I took the train from
Delhi to Trivandrum which took more than 54 hours. That was quite an
experience as well. An incident happened in my coach where a man was
being accused for touching a girl when we were all sleeping. I was woke
up by the sudden shouting between the father of the girl and the man,
and then the police came and he got slapped very hard by the police
right in front of me, and then he was taken away. I couldn’t say
anything as I didn’t really know what happened and I don’t understand
their language, but from their body language, I guessed that was what
happened.
I stayed a few nights in Kovalam, and then I went to stay in an
ashram that looked after underprivileged children in Trivandrum until
the day I flew back to Malaysia. These children were not orphans, but
their parents were either too poor or didn’t have the time or effort to
look after them properly at home. And so, they came to stay in the
ashram and were given food, accommodation and educational support until
they reached eighteen years old.
While I was in Trivandrum, I went to a shop owned by a young Indian
woman who was being friendly to me initially, but when I told her that I
had been travelling with my husband (unmarried at that time) in India
for the last couple of months, she was so disturbed and angry that she
spat on me because my husband and I weren’t married at that time. I
learned about other people’s different thinking and cultural belief and
practice. I wasn’t disturbed by her reaction, but respected her cultural
belief and practice. I left in peace and wished for her be in peace
too.
Though there is a very significant teaching of yoga about seeing God
in all and everything, that God exists in all and everything, but one
doesn’t need to believe in God or spirituality to practice the teachings
of yoga. For those who don’t believe in God, this teaching can be
taught as seeing the one same universal consciousness in all and
everything, which is the truth of impermanence and selflessness, where
there’s no ‘I’ or individual existence exists in everything that is
subject to impermanent changes. For those who don’t believe in God or
the one same universal consciousness, this teaching can be taught as
seeing the essence of a teacher in all and everything to teach us
something to attain higher understanding about worldly life existence,
and be grateful and thankful for all kind of good and bad experiences.
Those who truly implement this teaching in everyday life wouldn’t be
disturbed or determined by all the pleasant and unpleasant, agreeable
and disagreeable experiences, and wouldn’t generate anger or hatred
towards anyone or anything. They would respect the law of impermanence
in all the different qualities of name and form, and respect all the
different types of thinking, belief and behavior that exist in the
worldly community as they are. This teaching leads us to peace and
harmony in ourselves and stop generating violence, anger and hatred in
ourselves and into the world. If our minds are over-powered by egoism
and have pride and arrogance about ourselves and our particular thinking
and belief, we would find this practice impossible or very difficult,
unless we are ready to let go of the ego, pride and arrogance.
Disturbance and disharmony exist in our minds due to the ego and
egoism, pride and arrogance, attachment and identification, craving and
aversion, greed and discontentment, fear and worry, and all kinds of
impurities deriving from ignorance or the corrupted thinking and belief
in the mind. One also generates disturbance and disharmony into the
surrounding environment when one isn’t peaceful and harmony. If every
being is free from ignorance, egoism and impurities, naturally the
society will be free from separateness, discrimination, prejudice,
hatred, violence, fear and unrest.
If we want peace in the world, we must have peace in ourselves.
Having peace and harmony in oneself is the only effective way to help
the world to have peace and harmony among all the different qualities
and diversities. By being violent, angry and hating others and
happenings that we don’t like and disagree with, and provoking anger and
hatred in other people to also be angry and hating those whom we think
they are bad and wrong, it won’t help the world to be peaceful and
harmony as how we would like it to be, but instead, we contribute so
much restlessness and disharmony into the world, it doesn’t matter how
good and right we think we are.
After I came back from the advance teacher training course, I retired
from teaching aerobics classes and focused on teaching yoga. I learned
that aerobics dance exercises were very good for fitness, but it didn’t
help people to come out from miseries. While yoga being practiced with
the correct understanding would lead us to self-transformation besides
giving many health and fitness benefits to the regular practitioners.
Though I was quite physically fit I never emphasized on the physical
ability to perform the yoga asana practice. I emphasized on
disseminating the Vedanta teachings in all the yoga classes and allowing
the students to take it or leave it.
Teaching yoga is definitely not a job, even when we are receiving
fees that can support our living. It’s sharing and learning at the same
time. It’s in everyday life. It’s in every relationship we have with
everyone and everything. Everyone and everything is an instrument for
passing the Dhamma from one to another to purify all kind of impurities,
allowing the mind to see the truth of itself, to know thyself.
Before my own self-transformation, I perceived the world as a
suffering place, and I was very angry and disappointed and feeling
meaningless most of the time. But after the transformation, I didn’t see
that there was anything bad or good about this world. Unhappiness is
here, happiness is here too. Hell is here, heaven is here too. They are
not out there in the names and forms that the mind perceives through the
senses about what we experience in life. They are right here, right
now, in our mind, upon how the mind reacts towards all the names and
forms being perceived through the senses.
This was how I had changed from teaching aerobics classes to teaching yoga.
Everything was already there on the path for everyone. It was just
waiting for the right time. Whether there were some good or bad
experiences, they were all learning process for us to realize
selflessness and compassion.
When we know what is yoga, we will know that teaching yoga has very
little to do with qualification and certification coming from attending
yoga teachers training courses. Yoga teachers training courses are merely one of the platforms for
people to learn to become their own teacher. When one realizes the
teacher within oneself, one will know that everything and everyone are
teachers to teach everyone something. One will be free from
discrimination and hatred towards anyone and anything, and will respect
everyone and everything as they are. And naturally, one can also guide
other people to become their own teachers to realize unconditional love
and peace, without the need of any certifications, or authorization, or
acknowledgement from anyone or any organizations.
It’s not important whether we know the names of the yoga poses in
English or Sanskrit, or not, and what type of yoga we practice and what
are the benefits of the yoga exercises. Practicing yoga is not about
attaining the benefits from the yoga exercises at all. Knowing the names
of the yoga poses in different languages and which type of yoga we
practice have nothing to do with the realization of unconditional love
and peace. It’s about letting go of the ego and egoism of attachment,
identification, expectation, desire of craving and aversion towards our
actions and the fruit of actions, or towards the yoga practice and the
result of the yoga practice.
Yoga is about realizing compassion and selflessness through the
practice of dispassion towards worldly objects and ideas, discrimination
of what is real and unreal, eliminating the ego and quieting the
modification of the mind, and be free from all kinds of attachment,
identification, desire of craving and aversion, expectation and
impurities. All these practices have nothing to do with the impermanent
condition and ability of the physical body to perform the yoga poses, or
how many years we have been doing yoga exercises, or how much yoga
exercises we had done, or how many yoga poses we can perform and whether
we can perform the yoga poses in perfect alignment, or not. It’s also
nothing to do with all the physical health and fitness benefits that
come along as side-effects from performing the yoga practice. All these
names and forms doesn’t determine whether we know about yoga or not,
whether we are practicing yoga or not, whether we can teach yoga or not,
and whether we will be free from ignorance and egoism and be liberated
from suffering, or not.
Many people including many yoga enthusiasts don’t like to hear about
the practice of dispassion and renunciation. They give themselves many
reasons to justify themselves that they don’t need to be dispassionate,
instead they promote passionate way of thinking and living. They said
follow all our desires and live life passionately. There’s nothing wrong
with having desires and being passionate towards life existence,
self-image, worldly ideas and ambitions and social activities, and
everyone has the freedom to choose what they want to do with their life
existence, but it isn’t what yoga practice is about.
Dispassion towards worldly objects, ideas and activities helps to
render the mind calm and quiet to be able to perform self-inquiry to
know who we really are, or, who we are not, to know what is the ‘I’ that
we think is who we are. Passion invigorates strong attachment and
identification towards worldly life existence, the function and ability of
the body and mind, and the passionate desires of craving and aversion
towards names and forms. Instead of quieting the mind, annihilating the
worldly ideas and eliminating the ego, it is stimulating the mind,
strengthening the worldly ideas and empowering the ego. Passion hinders
the mind to see the truth of things as they are. If people enjoy being
passionate and don’t mind being restless, that’s their freedom.
Dispassion doesn’t mean that we have no love. It is loving the world
and everyone as they are, without selfish desire, expectation,
discrimination of likes and dislikes, attachment, identification,
craving and aversion, not necessarily it’s the way that I like it to be,
or the way that I think it should be.
Passion is loving the world and everyone with selfish desire,
expectation, discrimination of likes and dislikes, attachment,
identification, craving and aversion. It’s I love the world and
everyone being the way that I like it to be, or the way that I think it
should be.
When one is free from ignorance and egoism, there’s no difference
between passion and dispassion. One can live and perform actions
passionately in the world, but is being undisturbed and undetermined by
one’s actions and the fruit of actions, the desirable and undesirable impermanent relationships with everyone, the agreeable and disagreeable worldly affairs and experiences, as well as the impermanent good and bad condition and situation in the world or the surrounding environment.
The realization of selflessness will allow the mind to be undisturbed
or undetermined by whatever the mind perceives through the senses,
remain equanimous and be at peace unconditionally. When one has realized
unconditional love and peace, one won’t be intentionally generating
thoughts, actions and speech that will hurt oneself and others under any
circumstances, which is compassion. The realization of unconditional
love and peace has nothing to do with the knowledge about anatomy and
physiology, or the physical condition, ability and alignment to do the
yoga poses. In the end, no matter how much effort we put into maintaining and enhancing the condition of this physical body, it will still be conditioned by selfless impermanent changes of decaying and weakening, and eventually will stop functioning, and disintegrating.
Everyone can practice yoga and share the wisdom of yoga and its
practice with anybody, when the mind is free from ignorance and egoism
and realized unconditional love and peace. They don’t need a piece of
commercialized paper to allow or authorize them to share love and peace
with others. Those who haven’t realized unconditional love and peace in
themselves, they can’t share love and peace with others even if they
have been attending many yoga courses and possess many certifications.
Those who think and believe that they need to attend professional yoga
courses and acquire a few pieces of paper to accumulate credits
recognized by such and such alliance and organization to allow them to
share love and peace with other people, they don’t really know what is
yoga. These minds are still under the influence of worldly ideas and
attached onto the qualities of name and form.
All kinds of different yoga practice serve the purpose of influencing
and purifying the mind, preparing the mind for self-inquiry, or
contemplation upon the truth of “Who am I?” or “What is this I?”
To practice yoga is not necessarily that we have to be doing some
form of yoga asana exercises. Yoga asana practice is one type of the
many yoga practices. Some people are being limited by health condition
and physical limitation which hinder them from doing certain yoga asana
practice, and it’s okay. Some people just do Japa and chanting alone.
The practice of Japa and chanting generates harmonious vibrations that
serves the purpose of influencing and purifying the mind. Some people
just perform selfless service to eliminate egoism and attachment. Some
just practice living in the present moment as they are. Some spend most
of their time on contemplation. Some focus on observing their thoughts
and have self-control over their actions and speech at all time. Some
people combine a few practices. Some try to practice all of the
different practices. But in the end, all the different practices are not
separated from one another when being practiced with non-attachment,
non-identification, non-expectation, dispassion, right discrimination,
and free from the desire of craving and aversion. Ultimately, it’s
freeing the mind from impurities to see the truth of names and forms as
it is, and be free from suffering that derived from ignorance.
There are yoga centres that teach traditional yogic and meditation
practices combine with the practice of dispassion, right discrimination,
six fold virtues and the yearning for liberation that would gradually
lead to the annihilation of egoism and ignorance. But most of the yoga
classes we come across everywhere in the world are only about attaining
benefits from the yoga asana and pranayama practice, and many are about
using yoga asana practice as a form of fitness exercise to achieve
fitness results, which is neither bad or wrong.
By doing some yoga asana and pranayama exercises regularly without
the practice of dispassion, right discrimination, six fold virtues and
the yearning for liberation, will bring some physical and mental
benefits to the practitioners, but it doesn’t lead to the annihilation
of egoism and ignorance, or be free from unhappiness and suffering.
That’s why, many people might have been practicing yoga and pranayama
practice regularly, but if they still have strong attachment and
identification with the worldly life existence of the body and mind and
are over-powered by the desires of craving and aversion, and have
attachment towards their action and inaction and the fruit of action,
then they would still be disturbed and determined by all the perceptions
of name and form, and have no peace, as the mind is in a state of
restlessness being disturbed by ceaseless impurities arising and passing
away in the mind due to the constant egoistic reactions towards all the
perceptions of name and form, generating craving and aversion towards
what it likes and dislikes, agrees and disagrees with.
It’s not about how much good health, good feelings, physical strength
and flexibility that we gain from practicing yoga, but whether there
are less and less impurities and restlessness in the mind. There are
less anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction, disappointment,
pride, arrogance, ill-will, feelings of hurt, fear and worry. There is
more peace and harmony. In the end, there’s only unconditional love and
peace, being free from ignorance, egoism, impurities and suffering.
Traditionally, yoga asana practice is about holding a few different
basic postures in stillness and at ease for a period of time, to
influence and quiet the state of the mind. It’s knowing and respecting
the limitation of this physical body without generating attachment,
identification, craving and aversion towards the impermanent condition
and ability. The skill, the stamina, the strength and flexibility will
gradually develop as we practice regularly. In the beginning, when we
put our body and mind in certain positions that they aren’t familiar
with, there will be certain degrees of discomfort or struggle and we
need to exert great effort to perform the yoga asana practice. We need
to endure the discomforts and be patient and persevere in our practice
until one day the practice becomes steady and we can hold each position
effortlessly for a prolong period of time.
There are many different variations of yoga poses that sprung from
the six basic positions. Yoga asana practice combines with the practice
of pranayama serves the purpose of influencing the mind in different
ways internally without using any external influence such as drugs, but
using our own physical body and the breath as the tools. The purpose is
mainly to balance and calm the mind so that the mind isn’t being overly
elevated or depressed, while purifying the energy centres and channels,
and unblocking any blockages, releasing physical, emotional and mental
blockages. Instead of exerting energy outward strengthening worldly
ideas, desires, attachments and identifications, yoga practice is
channeling the energy inward for realization of the truth, rendering the
mind calm and pure to perceive the truth as it is.
The six basic positions are:-
1.) Inversions like headstand, shoulderstand and plough.
2.) Forward bends like sitting forward bend and standing forward bend.
3.) Backward bends like fish pose, cobra pose, locust pose and bow pose.
4.) Twists like sitting twist, standing twist and lying twist.
5.) Balancing positions like crow pose, peacock pose and tree pose.
6.) Side bends like standing side bend and sitting side bend.
Yoga asana practice is very different from the commercialized yoga
fitness exercise classes. It’s beyond the physical fitness training. It
isn’t about training the body to be able to perform complex exercises or
challenging the physical body to go beyond its limitation to become
more fit, flexible and strong than what it is. We don’t have to be
physically fit, strong and flexible to perform the yoga asana practice.
But it’s using the physical body and the breath as tools to control our
mind, to balance the mind, to purify the mind, to calm the mind, and
eventually allowing the mind to be able to perceive the truth of things
as they are under a pure and calm state of mind, and be free from
egoism, impurities and ignorance, to go beyond the body and mind, to
transcend suffering and have peace.
Yoga asana practice helps the mind to develop awareness and
acceptance towards the reality that is not necessarily the way that we
would like it to be. Being aware of all the impermanent changes in the
physical body and the state of the mind, and allowing all the changes to
be what they are – accepting the impermanent condition of the physical
body and the state of the mind as it is, from moment to moment. We learn
to be undetermined by what our body can do and can’t do in the present
moment. We learn to let go of pre-judgment based on our past
experiences. We let go attachment and identification with the thinking
and belief in the mind. We stop judging, comparing and expecting. We let
go attachment and expectation towards the existence and function of the
body and mind. We let go craving and aversion, passionate worldly
desires, anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, dissatisfaction,
disappointment, fear, worry, feelings of hurt, guilt, pride and
arrogance.
Though I didn’t have the rest of the money for paying the total
expenses for me to go to India after I paid the 300 USD deposit payment
for the course, the money came to me naturally when I needed it, without
me worrying for it. But of course I had to work harder and work more to
earn the money. It didn’t just fall down from the sky and land in front
of me.
Yoga is not for sale, but the fees are important to support and allow
other people to have the opportunity to come to the Ashram to learn
about yoga. There are basic expenses that keep the Ashram running, to
provide classes, food and accommodation for the students, and also to
provide living and travel expenses, food and lodging for the many
live-in ashram care takers and teachers as well.
I never see teaching yoga as a job, or a business, but the fees
coming from the students is supporting our living and enable us to have
the time and space to perform our own practice, besides paying the cost
to run the yoga retreats and maintaining the yoga studio. This allows us
to continue doing what we are doing and allows some other people to
come to us. It doesn’t matter if one day we stop running retreats and
teaching classes. I didn’t have any intention to teach yoga, or to own a
yoga centre, or to recruit yoga students.
Teaching yoga doesn’t has to be in classes or retreats.
Read on...
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