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Sunday, December 3, 2017

The connection between low self-esteem and parenting

There's a huge connection between low self-esteem and the way of the parents bring up their children.

Low self-esteem is a form of mental illness. And there are quite many of the world population are suffering from some forms of mental illness, especially low self-esteem.

The main element that contributes to low self-esteem is the family brought up of how the parents bring up their children, where people are being influenced by the trends of the society on how they bring up their children, where the society emphasize on appearance, performance and achievements to be the important values of self-development individually and as part of a society.

People feel that they need to look and behave and carry themselves in certain ways so that they will be accepted and respected by the family and the society. Their perception towards themselves of what they think is who they are and their life existence is very much being defined by their appearance, performance and achievements that is determined by the expectation, opinion, commentary, judgment and criticism from themselves and other people towards them.

Proudness is the shadow that follows low self-esteem. If low self-esteem is absent, proudness doesn't exist.

Those who suffer from low self-esteem need to feel proud of oneself. This is mainly the responsibility of how their parents brought them up. The parents have expectation towards their children and whether they are aware or unaware, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they are influencing the thinking and belief of their children to become the person that they want them to be and the way that they like it to be, and the way that they think is good for their children. They try to motivate their children to be they way that they like them to be by giving them praise and compliment, and they try to demotivate their children to be the way that they don't like it to be by giving them criticism and punishment. There's always assessment and judgment coming from the parents towards their children for how they look and behave, how they perform physically and mentally, and what they achieve or can't achieve. They will be happy and be nice to their children when their children fulfill their expectation, that they behave and achieve something the way that they like it to be. They won't be happy or be nice to their children when their children didn't fulfill their expectation, that they didn't behave or achieve something the way that they like it to be.

The parents hope that their children are 'good' enough and be competent to be able to compete with other people in the society to excel among the others and to be able to fit in into the higher or better class of the society. They want their children to be successful to be respected by the society and live life meaningfully, according to their thinking and belief about what is success and live life meaningfully.

Many parents will say this to their children, whether they are aware or unaware of the consequences of their action and speech, and whether they really mean what they say, or not. But the children will take it seriously, even if the parents didn't really mean what they say.

"You need to have some sorts of expectation towards yourself to improve and be better. Set up your goal and expectation and strive to achieve your goal and expectation. Then you are considered successful and well-deserved lots of love and happiness and respect from everyone."

 "Good boy/girl! Well done! You make us so proud, mummy and daddy love you so much. Keep it up and be better and better."

"You are so bad and terrible. Can't make anyone proud of you. You don't deserve love from anyone. Mummy and daddy don't want you anymore. We are so disappointed in you."

"If you are like this, mummy and daddy don't want to love you. Look at your sister/brother/friend, they are so much better than you."

"If you achieve this result, we will give you this and bring you there. If you don't, we won't give you this or bring you there. Let you stay at home by yourself. We only bring your brother and sister."

"Say please and thank you, or else, I won't give you what you want."

"Come on, you can do better than this, and you will make everyone proud of you."

"Are you a good boy/girl, or not? This is not good enough, you can be better than this. If you are very good, then people will love you. If you are not good, then no one will love you."

This is how the parents nurture their children to grow up becoming people who suffer from all sorts of mental illness.
The parents never teach the children, "We love you unconditionally, as you are. Just do your best in whatever you want to do. It's good if you succeed. It's okay if you don't succeed. Do not let success and failure to determine you. You don't need cheers, motivation, encouragement, appreciation or acknowledgment from anyone to do your best in what you want to achieve. Do not let other people's agreeable or disagreeable reactions and their judgment of praise and criticism to determine you. It's needless to have pride and arrogance to be who you are, even if you are very good and successful. Accept and love yourself and everyone else unconditionally."

They always feel bad and dissatisfied with themselves towards the ability, performance and achievements of their physical body and their mind. They always feel that they need to compare and compete with other people, including their siblings, their spouse, their friends, their classmates, their colleagues, their neighbours, and anybody. There is an instinct to constantly judge their and other people's appearance, ability, performances and achievements to compare and compete with one another. They were being told by their parents to think and believe that they are always not good enough and will never be good enough, that they always have to be better than what they are now. They want to be loved by their parents and everyone, but they think they must first be good enough, and they always afraid of being not good enough for their parents and other people, even though they know they are good enough for themselves. They always longing for praise and compliment, liking, support, agreement and acknowledgement from other people, especially the parents, siblings, friends and spouse. Or else, they will feel very dissatisfied, disappointed and depressed about themselves and their life.

It's so tiring to try to fulfill the expectation from their parents and the society and themselves, to be good enough that they can be proud of themselves in order to love themselves, and to please everyone expecting people will like and love and be nice to them, for their whole life, in the family, in love relationship, in friendships, in the school, in the workplace, or in the community. They are defined and determined by their actions and the result of their actions, and other people's reaction and treatment towards them to be who they are, to be happy and feel meaningful, or not.

These children grow up without knowing how to accept and love themselves and everyone else as they are, because their parents don't accept and love them as they are, and never teach the children to accept and love themselves and everyone else as they are. There's always some form of expectation to determine the presence and degree of acceptance and love.

Those who are free from low self-esteem don't need to feel proud of anything. They don't feel bad or dissatisfied about themselves for being what they are, as they are. They know what they can achieve and what is their limitation. But they are not defined or determined by their achievement or limitation to be who they are. They don't need praise and compliment, liking, support, agreement and acknowledgement from anyone. They are not affected or disturbed or determined by other people's expectation, opinion, commentary, judgment or criticism towards them. They are not determined or affected by their actions and the result of their actions. They don't need to be good enough the way that how the world think and believe as good enough in order to love themselves. They love themselves as they are, and they love everyone as they are.

This is the essence of yoga.

There are yoga practitioners including some yoga teachers are not free from the suffering of some forms of mental illness, and it's okay. There's nothing to be ashamed about if the mind is not free. Everyone takes their own time to practice and realize the truth and be free.

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About Yoga

Know thyself. Everything is impermanent and selfless. There is no 'I'. There is no 'I am selfless'/'I am not selfless'. There is no 'I am hurt'/'I need to be healed from hurt'. Non-blind believing, non-blind following, non-blind practicing and non-blind propagating, but be open-minded to inquire the truth of everything. Be free. Be peaceful. Be happy.

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