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May all find the teacher within to guide oneself towards unconditional love and peace

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Confused Love Relationship Mixed With Hatred & Jealousy?

In most love relationships, we are struggling with mixed feelings in ourselves being in the relationship. Love and hatred seems like existing side by side or back to back of each other.

How many love relationships ended up in hatred and condemn about each other? And why?

There is nothing wrong with having disagreement or argument in a love relationship. That is something very normal and healthy. It is because we all are having different personality, character, likes and dislikes, and different goal and objective in our life. All these things are constantly changing as well because our mind keeps changing. If our love relationship is based on all these things which are subject to impermanence or changes, we will be so frustrated when the things that we like about our partner had changed into something that we don’t like about.

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry and upset, and want to express our feelings and talk about it when things went wrong in a relationship. It is very good to be able to express how we feel and talk about the things that are troubling us openly with our partner. This will help us to understand each other more and to develop tolerance, adaptation, adjustment and acceptance among ourselves. This will help our relationship to grow.

Usually when things happen that are against our wish, we tend to get upset and frustrated. Instead of trying to find faults in each other and blaming each other, or do things and say things that we will regret for the rest of our life, we need to know what was the cause for the anger and hatred in us when our love relationship turns sour and bitter.

Sometimes we feel so much love and passion in the relationship. We’ll tell our partner or lover about how much we love them or how grateful for having them in our life. But at some other time we will feel love-less and passion-less. We’ll tell them about we don’t love them anymore or complain about they don’t love us and don’t care for us anymore, or complain about they didn’t love us or care for us the way that we want it to be.

And usually, after sharing life intimately with each other for some time, knowing about each other’s little habits, on how we would spend our time, and about different ways of doing things, we might be so unhappy and dissatisfied with our partner, with our relationship. We will have so much resentment in us, having anger, hatred, jealousy, comparison, competition, hurtful argument and back-bitting, but at the same time we thought that we love our partner very much. And thus we develop conflict in our heart whether to continue the relationship or to let go of the relationship. We don’t know what we really want and don’t want. We are afraid of losing something “important” if we let go of a sour relationship. We don’t want to bear the guilt of being responsible for the unhappiness that arise in the relationship. We are having lots of expectation towards everything and having assumption in the relationship. Sometimes we might take things for granted, not knowing how to appreciate the little good things that exist in the relationship.

When we think and say that we love somebody, do we really have love for this person? Or is it we are merely looking for love, care, comfort, companionship, attention, support, reliance, some sort of social status, or family recognition from being in a good and stable “love relationship” with somebody? If these are the reasons why we are having a love relationship with somebody, then it’s because we have no love in ourselves, feel empty in life and in our heart, and are afraid of loneliness and being unloved. Usually this type of relationship is built on great possessiveness mixed with anger, hatred, dissatisfaction, frustration, irritation, jealousy, doubt, fear and worry. This is because we don’t really love that person but actually we are trying to please our own selves, to fill up the emptiness in our heart and try to satisfy our own craving for love, care, companionship, attention, support, respectful social status and recognition from our family especially from the one who we look up to, who is very important to us.

This type of relationship usually doesn’t last long. We will be changing partner unceasingly trying to look for fulfillment and satisfaction that come from getting what we want. We will never be satisfied no matter how nice our partner is or how much goodness that our relationship has brought to us.

Some people are in a love relationship because they are in love with the partner’s physical appearance or personality.

Some people are in a love relationship because they think they need a partner in life for companionship and to build a family.

Some people are in a love relationship because they want to be loved and want care and attention from somebody.

Some people are in a love relationship because they merely want to please their family especially the parents.

Some people are in a love relationship because they want to have somebody to share some of their life responsibilities off their shoulders.

Some people are in a love relationship so that they can stay in a country legally to live or to make money.

Some people are in a love relationship because most of their similar age friends are not single anymore. Everyone has a life partner or a family as priority and couldn’t spend their time with us to do things together as often as it used to be anymore.

Some people are in a love relationship because part of the society will respect and appreciate people who are in a stable and good relationship with the partner or with the family. This is one of the criteria when people are being interview for an important position in the company that requires good communication skill and effective public relation.

Some people are in a love relationship because they feel lonely and empty in life and in their heart. They are looking for companionship.

Some people are in a love relationship because they need the love relationship to give them sense of self-worth and confidence, to give them sense of security and protection.

Some people are in a love relationship because they need the partner to give them love and attention, to give them supports and encouragement, to do the housework, to make babies, to build their dreams, and etc…

Some people are in a love relationship because they want to build a “healthy” and “normal” image.

Some people are in a love relationship with somebody because that’s the way it is.

Some people are mainly interested in sexual relationship that doesn’t talk about love or commitment at all.

Some people are in a love relationship because they are truly loving each other selflessly, want to learn and grow together, want to share life and commit to each other, want to respect and support each other without selfish intention.

How many love relationships out there are based on true love without possessiveness, anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, worry, doubt, selfish intention, hurtful argument and back-bitting? I guess there are quite a number of people as well. For better or worst, in good health or in sickness, sharing life and taking care of each other without selfish intention. These people are patient, tolerant, forgiving and love unconditionally.

If we have love, peace, compassion and wisdom in ourselves, then there is no differences whether we are in a relationship with somebody or not. And it doesn’t matter if the relationship is having ups and downs or not. We will still be happy and contented. This is because we are not attached to anything and are self-independent and are truly self-confident. This happiness and contentment are not coming from a good relationship nor come from any success in our life.

If we don’t have love, peace, compassion and wisdom in ourselves, then there will be lots of discontentment, disappointment, frustration, irritation, anger, hatred, jealousy, possessiveness, doubt, fear and worry in us whether we are in a relationship with somebody or not. And it doesn’t matter if the relationship is very good and calm, it doesn’t matter if our partner love us and care for us very much, we will still be unhappy and discontented deep in our heart. It’s because our craving and aversion are still there never satisfied.

If we are happy and contented in our heart, then everything in our life and in the world cannot determine, nor affect, nor influence our happiness and contentment.

If we are not happy and discontented in our heart, then our happiness and confidence is determined, or affected, or influenced by everything in our life and in the world.

The happiness and satisfaction that come from a relationship that we think is “good” and it is just the way that we want it to be, then this happiness and satisfaction will be shattered very soon due to the law of impermanence.

That’s why sometimes our partner will tell us, “oh my darling, I love you very much and am so glad to be with you, am so grateful to have you in my life…”

And some other times, our partner will tell us, “I don’t love you anymore. I am not happy with you. I want to be with somebody who is better than you, who can give me love, who can give me what I want, and who knows how to love and care for me the way that I want it to be…”

Most of the time we think we love somebody but actually we are not. We are loving our own selfish ego and wanting to fulfill or satisfy all our cravings through a love relationship.

We want to have a good relationship to prove to ourselves and to the world that we are doing okay in our life. We want to have a stable income or a good career to prove that we are successful in life. We want to have a partner that is obedient to all our requests and will respect us and do whatever we want them to do as the way that we want it to be done.

We also want our partner or lover to fulfill or to satisfy all our cravings or else we will be so furious, angry, hating, frustrated, disappointed, and upset with our partner.

We will be so unhappy when our partner didn’t meet our expectation of how our partner should behave, or how they should treat us, or how they should present themselves while being with our family and friends.

We will be so jealous and irritated when our partner is more successful than us or they are getting more attention and applause than us from the society, from our family and friends.

If we truly love somebody, there won’t be any selfish cravings that come into this relationship.

If we truly know what is love and being loved is nothing but realizing the love within ourselves, then no matter we are in a love relationship or not, it makes no differences because true happiness is not based on geting love from the outside but it is coming from within our own self. And we can give and share so much love with others unlimitedly, unconditionally and inexhaustably without any expectation, without any intention, without attaching to the fruit of our action of giving and sharing.

We need to know how to love ourselves unselfishly before we can love somebody else and share love with others. If we don’t know how to take care of ourselves, don’t know how to love ourselves, don’t have love and peace in ourselves, don’t have peacefulness, then how can we share love and happiness with others?

If we don’t know how to be happy and have no love in ourselves, then how do we guide others to be happy and have love?

By truly loving our own self unselfishly, naturally we are loving all, and we don’t crave for love from the outside. People who complain about they don’t get love from anybody or don’t get enough love and care from somebody, it is because they don’t love themselves.

If we know how to love ourselves, we will be fine and contented. Our peacefulness and confidence about our own self won’t be disturbed nor affected by whatever is happening in our life, and whatever we encounter and experience from moment to moment.

People who are not happy with themselves or with their lives or not happy with some other people is because they don’t love themselves. If they do love themselves, they won’t be unhappy.

We are weak is not because of the physical limitation and physical weakness, but it is when we are having lots of craving and aversion, and we are being over-powered by our own craving and aversion, easily being disturbed or affected by whatever our mind perceives through the senses (sights, sounds, smells, taste, touch and thoughts). We are attached strongly to the body, the mind and the ego. We are attached strongly to our likes and dislikes, and constantly being influenced by what we like and don’t like, pleasant and unpleasant sensation. We are being disturbed by the law of impermanence. We cannot accept, adjust, adapt and accommodate to changes and uneasy situation and condition. These are what making us weak.

We are not happy because of our own attachment towards craving, clinging and aversion. It is not because of the things out there. It is because our craving, clinging and aversion are not being attented and not being satisfied.

If we really want to be unhappy, there is nothing wrong about it too. Be happy being unhappy. Enjoy being unhappy. After all what is happiness and unhappiness when we are beyond duality?

May all found this unconditional love within ourselves and be happy no matter what.

Om shanti.

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About Yoga

Know thyself. Everything is impermanent and selfless. There is no 'I'. There is no 'I am selfless'/'I am not selfless'. There is no 'I am hurt'/'I need to be healed from hurt'. Non-blind believing, non-blind following, non-blind practicing and non-blind propagating, but be open-minded to inquire the truth of everything. Be free. Be peaceful. Be happy.

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